Back in the Saddle Soon?

Yes... That's the plan!

I'm supposed to have an SHG (sonohistogram) tomorrow morning. Should be fun! Ugh. I hate these things, but I guess it is what it is.

Starting in Feb, whenever it is I hit CD1, assuming I don't have a cyst, we will do the supression check bloodwork to start IVF #2. I am not really nervous or anxious this time, I'm just ready to begin.

Dr. S is going to try to up my stim response - he wants to try to get more eggs so we'll have a larger crop of eggs to work from, and possibly more blasts to freeze and should we hit a great stim cycle they might be able to freeze some eggs too! With our 1st IVF we had 4 blasts, 2 were used and 2 were frozen. We used the last 2 in FET #1 over the summer.

I'm not positive what the drug name is, but it is something like gan.orelex? I'm going without any BCPs or Lupron - no down-reg. I'm very worried about this idea - cyst is my middle name, you know. If I remember right, every cycle we've monitored Day 3 without BCPs first has resulted in a no-go due to a cyst. I'm not confident it'll be a go, can you tell?

Had chromosome testing on hubby and I - the results came out just fine. We are normal - ha ha ha hah ah, whew! What a good one!

So, I am ready for this next cycle. I am moving forward with the plan.

I am still sore on the inside, as I expected I would be, but it is worse than I expected. Not physically, but mentally. There are 2 ladies that I come into contact with ofthen that are having babies at or around the time I was due. I keep watching them get larger, more round. I can't help but think about my own loss - how I SHOULD look now.

Then, I shake it off. I do NOT wish that I had my little girl instead of them having their babies, so I do NOT wish them ill will. I still believe in my core that someone else having a baby, or not, has nothing to do with my own chances. I want to celebrate their success, but it has been very hard. So, I settle for polite interest, then I get the hell away from them. That's about all I can manage to do right now. Let me be clear - I don't go away and fall to pieces, I just feel so lonely. Like no one would understand the pain, but I know you guys will... so, I thought I'd share, see if I can let some of it free into the ether.

I'm somewhat afraid I'm going to get asked to head-up a baby shower for a guy in my office. His wife is due on the SAME DAY I was due. Everytime he sees me he's friendly, but he also stutters over baby stuff. I think he's not sure if he can tell me about it or not. I'm not sure either - so I have stayed mute on the subject.

I don't know that my issues are obvious to the rest of the world, but until April passes I don't expect to be able to move past this particular greif. I think it is just a little too deep.

So, early Feb... That's our plan.

US at 7.25 Wks - To Be Precise...

Our RE ultrasound tech, whom I love, but I find somewhat interesting was very, very precise when she gave us the answer to "what day are you on?" today. I found it quite funny, and giggled a bit, but couldn't bring myself to poke fun - I was nervous about the wanding that was about to foretell my future.

I won't bury the lead - everything was fine! Baby was measuring exactly 7.25 days! YAY! We were just barely able to hear a heartbeat. We didn't measure it, but I was fine and dandy with that.

I am to repeat my scan in 1 1/2 wks and then I'll be officially released to an OB. However, due to my # of wks presently, I'm to find an OB before I come back. How odd, and yet comforting - no lag between "Captains" of this PG trip we have embarked on.

I have had a pretty OK day on the symptoms front. I craved sweets like a mo-foe though, so I convinced a sweeter than pie work-friend to play hookey for a tiny amount of time today and we ran to Costco to get ICE CREAM! See, that is a real friend, right there... I DID get a brand that will be kind to me in the weight and sugar department, but damn was I happy to eat that yummy bar!!!

Jim had to come home from school today - he had a fever. He looked like crap when I came to get him - at home his temp was 102.o. We laid around, played with puzzles, watched some Sesame Street online. See. THAT is the BEST use of the internet yet - SStreet on demand - 24/7 and you can PICK the freakin' show you want to see! You don't have to suffer through the Pinball that only goes to 4, when you know damn well you only want to see 12!!! Damn, I'm hooked, and I so totally remember some of these shows when they were NEW. Wow.

Jim dozed off early, while happily watching Elmo in Mommy's lap. So we dosed him with Tyl.enol and put him to bed.

Hubby is home from a long day at work and is complaining of a "nose issue", which most likely means we both have colds, given that I'm feeling the very same thing. On top of that, I have nausea that is waaaaaay more than PG nausea for me. I'm hoping I didn't catch hubby's stomach bug. Ugh.

Going to bed - catch you guys later!

Scared... Sleepless...

I am sitting here thinking, "Why am I so scared?". All the while I am looking at those from the July/August Cyclesistas log to see if others have gotten and been able to keep a BFP this cycle.

I go for my 2nd beta tomorrow. I can feel my veins constricting in fear. I am scared of the results, so scared.

I don't want to go to bed, because as soon as I wake up I'll need to high-tail it down to the RE's office to take the next step. Am I? Am I still? Am I really going to keep this pregnancy? Can you hear me now, baby?

You'd think, since I've been through this before, that I would be cool about tomorrow's test. I don't remember being this nervous before. I'm sure it IS because I know... Catch 22, eh?

I've seen as many stories of happiness as sadness in this month's roll. I've seen the heartache, and those that are still waiting to have their shot at the goal. I wonder where I will be tomorrow...

For what it's worth... I've had a few symptoms here and there, but I don't think they are as strong as they were. I know, doesn't mean a lot. It is just comforting to think there's still a chance, maybe someone's still there... I'll let you all know when I know!

Survey Says!

We are on our way...

165.7 - Beta
6.76 - Progesterone
312 - Estrogene

Yikes and Wow!



---- Protect the time and space to carry out your dreams -----

Beta Reminder - FET #1

In case you have forgotten, my beta is tomorrow! *deep breath*

I'm scared about the results. I don't think I was this scared last time.

I think my emotions are all messed up because this time I KNOW what a good beta means AND what a bad beta means. Both options are terrifying.

Don't doubt that I want my beta to be good, and I want it to stay good, and I want to bring home baby! I'm just fearful of all the what-if's between now and then. It is a long, long hard road.

I have been down the "beta looks good ...but isn't" path. That scares me just about as much, as it takes months to get over it and get back to feeling like yourself again. Miscarriages seem to chip away a little part of you every time...

Then there is the negative beta. Ugh. We all know about that one. :(

I can tell you this - I've had slightly sore boobs (mostly shooting pains), crampy pains, twinges of round ligament pain, incredible hunger, and exhastion. Hower, none of these have been with any fervor or lasted very long once they started. So, I'm not going to hold my breath that they are signs to hang my hat on.

So, we'll see. I'll let you all know as I can.

On Our Way?

I've been keeping a little something from the bloggy universe... We are "trying again", not as in at-some-point-we-will-start, but as in we went in for our transfer this morning! Yeah, I know, I'm bad because I didn't share. :(

I've told a couple of people recently that we were trying again, and I think I might have blogged about it in my last post, but I haven't felt like making a big production of it.

You see, until this morning, I figured it would all fizzle out. I kept taking my shots, like a good girl, but I didn't expect to get through today with baby-on-board as I had only 1 embryo in the freezer, and there was only a 50/50 chance that it would thaw and survive. However, the embryologist said it was expanding and looking good, which is a HUGE hurdle for an embryo.

We do our beta next Thursday... Not that I really expect anything. Last time we put back 2 and only 1 took, and those were Grade A. This one was a B when it went in, and they didn't grade it when they replaced it today. I'm not sure if that means anything or not, but it doesn't make me feel like dancing.

I've spent the day on the couch - writing emails and napping. I've picked up my son only 1 time, which I was told was allowed as long as I don't "repeatedly lift" anything over 10 lbs.

Jim did not appreciate that I wouldn't pick him up, but he seemed pleased when he was able to climb onto my lap and show me how his Fisher Price farm worked. Hubby has been great... He was there for me this morning, stayed home from work to keep tabs on me, and has graciously done all the heavy lifting, changing, and toting of our prince. We'll just have to refer to the next 10 days as "Daddy bonding time". :)

For now, I guess I'll be doing the slightly-shorter-than-two-weeks wait!

P.S. - I had some sort of negative reaction to the PIO shots this time. Nothing too severe, but I was worried that I might be headed for an allergic reaction. So, my RE gave me VJJay suppositories instead of PIO! Wooo Hooo! I like them, they aren't messy, and they are easy to use. I give it a thumbs up!

Note: this also means I have some extra PIO if anyone is maybe needing to kinda save some money. Not that I would do anything illegal like give it to anyone, but I'm just sayin'...