Scared... Sleepless...

I am sitting here thinking, "Why am I so scared?". All the while I am looking at those from the July/August Cyclesistas log to see if others have gotten and been able to keep a BFP this cycle.

I go for my 2nd beta tomorrow. I can feel my veins constricting in fear. I am scared of the results, so scared.

I don't want to go to bed, because as soon as I wake up I'll need to high-tail it down to the RE's office to take the next step. Am I? Am I still? Am I really going to keep this pregnancy? Can you hear me now, baby?

You'd think, since I've been through this before, that I would be cool about tomorrow's test. I don't remember being this nervous before. I'm sure it IS because I know... Catch 22, eh?

I've seen as many stories of happiness as sadness in this month's roll. I've seen the heartache, and those that are still waiting to have their shot at the goal. I wonder where I will be tomorrow...

For what it's worth... I've had a few symptoms here and there, but I don't think they are as strong as they were. I know, doesn't mean a lot. It is just comforting to think there's still a chance, maybe someone's still there... I'll let you all know when I know!

Fertility Reminders Are Everywhere!!!

Baby Blues blogged news to me, Shrek now has kids (in the Movie Shrek III). It is interesting to see the responses to her post, because [some] people are being tounge-in-cheek frustrated that Shrek seems to have followed what might be called the "natural path" of meet someone, fall in love, get married, kids (in that order). Others are intrigued that the above path is considered natural, like any other path would be unnatural.

I love applying the real world to our fairy tales - the results of which are always an interesting study of people. I'll tell you what comes to my mind first when I think about Shrek - Mrs. Shrek, Princess Fiona IS NOT SKINNY!!!!

Most of you have not seen me before, so it isn't evident that I am very far from being skinny (but oh how I try).

I love it that some company out there realized that Fiona didn't have to be pencil-thin, white, and princess "beautiful" to be loved (although she started that way). They also gave her a REAL attitude - which I think is completely kick-butt. This chick is more like me - strong, independent, overweight, beautiful and very lovable. I love Fiona - you go girl!!!

About Fiona and Shrek's children (triplets) I am very happy to see the larger character is able to have a family. I think a lot of people assume that if you are fat you cannot have kids. Well, maybe it is less likely for various reasons, but it certainly isn't impossible!!!

I happen to have a motto about other people's fertility successes, "As long as they are still making babies I have a chance to get one!". It keeps me sane, and gives me something non-snarky to say when someone is worried about how I will feel about others' successes.

I can't wait to see the movie!!! GOOooooo FIONA!!!!

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IVF Update:

Made an appointment with the RE for Friday to go over our IVF protocol. Also scheduled a cyst check for Monday, if it is good then we are moving forward!!! :)

note: I edited the post a bit... It originally seemed that I was making statements about other people's comments. That wasn't the intent - just noticing that the story provoked interesting comments. :)

"Why Me?" or "Whine, Me?"

OK, I just got hard news... Two ladies in my neighborhood are due with their 2nd children this summer. The total will equal 11 to 15 children that have been born to the 50 houses in my neighborhood since I started trying. That is a 1 in 5 chance that a house you visit will contain a newborn - 3 yr old. These specific women are each on their 2nd child during the time it has taken me to fail to have 1 child.

It makes me want to cry... It makes me want to scream and throw at tantrum and refuse to try any longer... It makes me want to find a small hole in the ground and crawl into it. It makes me want to scream "WHY ME???????" or "Where is my child?????" and my favorite "Why do I deserve this???"

Then, when I really look at what has transpired in my life and that of my friends I feel silly for being so dramatic. I have had 2 relatively OK miscarriages (by this I mean no major drama, just sadness) and 1 real emergency ectopic. That is not bad for 3 years of trying.

- One of my friends, in this same time period, has had 3 2nd-trimester miscarriages, complete with the drama of DCs and/or delivering the child naturally but stillborn.

- One of my friends has a child, but is coming to terms that she will NEVER have another. High blood pressure spikes and 2 miscarriages and have just about convinced her to quit forever.

- Many of my blog-friends have never achieved pregnancy at all. They have fought and labored to never have achieved those coveted HPT lines.

- Many of my blog-friends have been through horrible repeated losses, which I will resist recapping here, as we all know the stories.

OK, so sure I can cry, whine and complain every time someone else has joyful news, but what is the benefit? What will it bring me to scream? Will it improve my chances of a healthy pregnancy? No, of course not, but it may decrease the chances by making me be bitter or maybe start avoiding treatments. In addition, it will make me sound petty and childish to those that have had so much worse to live through.

So, what do I do to move forward? I think I will try to keep my IF troubles in perspective....

My life is OK, my health is OK, my world will continue to exist if I never have a child. I am not be happy that life/fate is not following my plans, but I will most likely survive it. I may eventually actually attain my goal, who knows.

For now, I am going to TRY to focus on those things that will help me attain my goal. Go ME!

Whew, this whole experience is just exhausting....

The race is on...

Today I had some interesting news... A friend and I are both TTC during the same week. Up to this point we had been offset by a few days or weeks, but now we are both doing the "baby dance" at the same time.

I'm going to tell you how I'm feeling very frankly... I am scared that as my testing day grows closer, I will feel like I am in a race - where if one of us "wins" and the other does not. I realize this isn't real, but it will add an extra layer of frustration to this game of infertility. Specifically, I am scared that she will come out the "winner", and I will be left to support her while her tummy grows big, and mine does not.

I know, I know, I'm being silly... I'm being selfish, and I freely admit it... I feel silly and selfish. That is why I am trying to work out my feelings here. Please don't berate me for airing my real feelings... I would hate to have to be Politically Correct even on my own blog!

Obviously, there are other possibilities - we could reverse positions... Then I would have to question the fairness of life, and watch myself when I was around her. I really care that she not be hurt. Or, we could both come out winners or both try again soon.

I realize there are a myriad of possibilities. However, I don't want to feel like I am in a competition for a baby. I want to feel like I am doing what I need to do, when I need to do it, and the only considerations I have are for me, my DH, and my as-yet-unconceived child.

If you have comments or suggestions, I'd love to hear them. Maybe I can find a way to make it past the two-week-wait without being too anxious over the outcome.