My Sweet, Sweet Daddy

Yeah, I'm still a Daddy's Girl...

Turns out my Daddy had a wonderful suprise in store for me for the weekend too. Mom called and sort-of spoiled it, but she felt she really needed to.

My Dad has carved a little headstone for my baby kitty Cocoa's grave. It is so sweet it brings tears to my eyes.

He was going to give it to me this weekend. So, he called my Mom (she was out shopping) and told her about it. She asked him how he spelled Cocoa's name... He said "Coco", isn't that right?

Ooops! Mom thought for sure it wasn't, so she called to check. Of course, I didn't know why she was asking, so I told her it was "Cocoa, he's named after Cocoa Puffs cereal".

When I found out what the questions were all about I told her it was OK to leave it like that - that Cocoa would understand, and I thought it was wonderful that he had thought to do it for me.

She said she would leave it up to my Dad. I know him well enough to know he will try to do it over... He's a true perfectionist. It will bug him more than it would ever bug me.

I Love my Daddy and he obviously loves me too.

Beta # 3 Tomorrow...

Well ladies, I'm feeling a bit less stressed after that US this week. I was sooo worried that I couldn't quit stressing, but now I feel pretty secure that everything is probably OK. I realize bad things can happen, for sure, but for right now it is a tiny bit easier to relax.

Tomorrow is Beta # 3, which should tell me if everything is still clicking along as planned. The next hurdle after that will be the 7 wk US on Monday the 23rd.

We are seeing my parents this weekend and, if the 3rd beta is ok, I'm thinking of telling them about our news. I haven't decided for sure, for sure, for sure, but I'm getting into the idea. So, I probably will.

I think I might just take the chance... You see, I've never shared our good news when we had it to share. I've always waited to tell them and each time things have gone wrong and I've called my Mom upset that it didn't work. Don't you think they deserve to get some good news this time, while it is good news? Rather than just finding out when things have gone wrong and being part of mopping up the pieces? Feel free to disagree - I need help making my decision...

BTW - I LOVED Gemini's idea of using the bib to convey the news. So, I'm thinking of buying either bibs or some booties (maybe one of each) and giving them to my parents to open. I am tearing up just thinking about it. I so want them to be happy, but of course it will take this whole thing working out for them to truly be happy.

I wish we were going up the weekend after the US instead... That would make me feel more confident in my news. *sigh*

So hit me with your best assvice... I really need it right now.

Also, thanks everyone for making me feel OK about not reading blogs for a bit. It helped me get through a few scary days. I started back reading last night and was totally OK. I realized that my own anxieties and fears were what was keeping me locked out of the blogverse... Thank you for helping me be OK with what I was feeling and coming back on my own time. :)

Lastly, you guys should see my tummy NOW! It totally doesn't look all cute and "welcome home" anymore. It looks more like the scene of a crime! Bo has seen it and says I look like I've been beaten up... The Hep.arin shots have left me with bruises from one end of my abdomen to the other - they have turned a putrid shade of greeny-yellow. NICE! Two shots a day - fun, fun, fun. I'm running out of non-bruised places to shoot. I'll take a pic if I get the nerve...

I talked to my fav RE Nurse about the bruising... She said they might switch me to a different med once I've hit 12 wks. Starts with an "L" but I can't remember it right now. She said it is once-a-day and should give me some relief from the bruising. I can't even imagine making it to 12 wks, so I got a little thrill from her idea. She said it like it would really happen - it is the little things we hold on to, isn't it. :)

Much Pain and an Early 5-wk US

Last night at about 2 AM I woke to sharp pains from my left side. The pain happened when I tried to roll from sleeping on my left side to my right. I woke yelling in pain, rolled back to my left side and the pain quit. Then I tried again, thinking maybe it was hip pain... It was just as bad but was more clear that it was coming from my the area of my uterus.

I was very scared that my worst nightmare had come true and I had another ectopic. I started gearing up to cry, and realized it would be silly to scare myself for the rest of the night. The pain went away as fast as it came on. So, I petted Humphries for a few minutes and fell back to sleep.


I called my RE this morning - they said to come in about 9:45. I dropped by my work office for a few minutes, answered a few emails, and then left for the RE's office. While I waited several ladies came out of the procedure rooms carrying light blue bags. It appears these are Congratulations bags. Several of the ladies were told "I can't believe you are graduating to the OB's office!" and "We'll miss you!", so I guess these were parting goody bags. :) One lady said to me, "Don't worry, you'll get yours!", with a big grin on her face. One can only hope...

Finally I had my turn... They did an ultrasound on my (I'm 5 wks today). They saw a very small gestational sac, right smack in the middle of my uterus. It appears, unless there are identical twins in there, that we are having a singleton. That's just fine by me.

They then scanned my ovaries and the previous location of my left fallopian tube. There didn't appear to be anything unusual in those areas.

I talked with the RE afterwards and he thinks the pain could be from scar tissue or an adhesion (where something mis-attached after ectopic surgery). The pain could be pulling or tearing from either of those things. He said if the pain continues or gets worse to call and they would have another look. Right now he isn't worried, based on the scan.

So, for right now, it looks like baby is right where it should be and there is nothing obviously scary going on.

They scheduled me for my follow-up ultrasound for Monday, July 23rd first thing in the morning. That is about a week later than I thought it would be, but that's OK. By that time the heart should be in full swing, and we should get some good pictures of how baby is doing.

Boob Pain, Birthdays, Fears and Friends Who Understand - good times!

Tonight we had dinner with our best friends, it was Big B's birthday, DD's hubby. We had a wonderful time at the local Fondue place - 3 course dinner, mmmmmmm! I was soooo hungry, which I haven't been as much lately.

We kept the topic mostly about the beach and such until the conversation turned to RE's, pregnancy and fears.

DD has just had her first IUI and is to get her results this week on Wednesday. We are all hoping they will get some good news so she and I can go through this PG thing together. Our hubbies have started joking that they will move into DD's house together and move DD to my house until the 9 month ride is over. :)

The conversation was light and silly until we started talking of fears... I am still very afraid something is going to go wrong. We went over the things that we have gone through and how it makes you very cautious, and how we feel cheated. Other people in my situation would be jumping for joy and telling everyone they know, but I have to be scared and cautious to keep my heart whole.

It was so nice to be with people who truly understand why we are still not considering ourselves truly and fully pregnant. We aren't planning anything yet, and it seems all 4 of us are holding our collective breath. DD and I have planned a shopping trip after I get that 1st major US milestone under my belt.

I had already told DD the following, so we didn't discuss this at dinner, but a couple of things over the last 2 days have left me quite scared indeed. I have been having pain on my left side, right where my ectopic pregnancy hurt last time. I am terrified that this pregnancy is attached to the stub from my ectopic. Last night I felt a lump under the skin in the location of the pain. I am terrified I tell you...

I called my REs office today and left a message, but got no callback. I am going to drop by in the morning, I think, to tell them what is going on and see if they want to do a quick US peak and maybe another beta.

The other scary thing is reading blogs... There are so many things that go wrong with people's pregnancies, including mine. Reading your stories is actually scaring me at the moment. I have caught up with many of your blogs, but I seem to be unable to leave any comments. I feel disconnected, sad for everyone that is not pregnant this cycle, hurt for those who's recent pregnancies have ended, and t-e-r-i-f-i-e-d that I will read a similar story to mine and it will end badly.

I want to be there for every one of you, I really do. I am just not sure how to get past my roadblock. Maybe it will get easier as I pass some key milestones, but I can't be sure. It is like I am in limbo at the moment. I just want to go to sleep and wake up when there are real answers - I want to see what the end result is - I want to just know that it will be OK.

Sad, I know... I am trying to just make it one day at a time. I have 4 more days until my next beta (assuming they don't do one tomorrow). Just 8 more days until the first ultrasound. Just breathe...

Home Sweet Home!

Just wanted to check in and say "Hey"! We're back from the beach!

Everything is going along as expected. I'll be catching up on blogs this evening...

This morning I had a few minutes of panic because I felt odd - well, the problem was I didn't feel as PG as I've been feeling the last few days. Suddenly I realized something could be wrong, so I started pressing my boobs and searching for the constant heartburn feelings. No heartburn was present, but the boob pain was consistent, so I relaxed a bit. I remember with my pregnancies that didn't go well the boob pain was the 1st thing to go, almost instantly. Weird how that works, huh?

We had our very first "baby" conversation on our long ride home (5 hrs). Bo brought it up... I was surprised at first, because he hasn't really had anything to say about thing related to when baby is here. It seemed like he wasn't thinking about it at all.

We talked about the nursery, and which room it would be. He was thinking we would use his current office since it has a built-in changing table in the closet. He would then move his office into our smallest guest room. However, his office is really so small that you would want to move the child out of that room once they were over 2, and if we had 2 babies there is no way it would be big enough. Really, it is the very smallest room in the house (maybe 9 x 8). Our closet is bigger.

I told him I wanted our baby to have the best bedroom, which is currently a very pretty guest room. He can still move his office into the 2nd bedroom as he wanted. We do not have guests enough to need to save the prettiest room for them. Also, we would still have 2 other rooms that can serve as nice guest rooms - the smallest bedroom and our library. Frankly, the library makes the nicest guest room of all, and it is on the main floor.

I think I won the discussion. :) I didn't even have to tell him I already bought cute curtains for that room. :) Yay me!

Right now Bo is unpacking the car and told me to get some kitty time - a.k.a doesn't want me lifting stuff. :) Humphries is doing just fine and seems a bit skinnier, which is good.

Beta 2 - 14dp3dt

The results of our second beta came in this afternoon while we were watching a live presentation on Gullah/Geechee life and language at Boone Hall Plantation, just outside of Charleston, SC. I had to get up and excuse myself from the crowd - rude, I know, but I SOOOO wanted those beta results. I apologized to the speaker after the show for interrupting her great presentation. She kindly said she hadn't noticed.

I wondered over under a 300 year old Live Oak on the allee leading up to the mansion... The wind was blowing cool marsh breezes over the plantation. The cell reception was bad, and I barely heard my nurse say that my beta numbers more than doubled! I asked her again what the number was, because I wasn't sure I heard right... We needed to get to 640, and we got to 708!!! Whooo hooo!!! :)

She also said that my proges.terone numbers were really good (43) from Tuesday's test and to keep on my same dose. No problem! :)

I asked what she thought about the possibility of more than one baby. She said she didn't think so, but that you couldn't really tell from the numbers. Not what I've heard from you guys and your REs, but I'm thinking she doesn't want to get my hopes too high. I'm still a little bit hopeful, especially with the reports from Gemini and Stacie. However, I am going to try not to get too wrapped up in the idea until I've seen the US. It is definitely niggling at my brain though. :)

I have an appointment for next Thursday morning to run beta number 3. If all is still going well we will have our first ultrasound early the next week (wk of the 16th). At that point I should be 6 wks along give or take a day.

I asked how doing IVF affects the "due date" and was told that it does take some days out of the normal cycle, so while I tomorrow I'll be at 5 calendar weeks I am officially considered to be at 4 1/2 weeks on the IVF-adjusted calendar.

I just looked up the due date - first time ever... It would be Monday, March 10th. This makes me 4 wks 3 days pregnant. :)

I sooooo want a pregnancy ticker, but I think I'll wait until the ultrasound. I want to know there is a heartbeat, and then I think I will let my hair down, sigh a big sigh, and will do all the things newly-pregnant non-IF women take for granted - like enjoy this special time and GLOW.

I told my best friend DD that I would want to go shopping for my first-ever baby purchase as soon as that US shows us a heartbeat. I have never let myself buy something for baby - something just for baby.

Yeah, I bought some curtains recently for the hopefully eventually nursery, but they were on sale and are grown-up enough to be practical right now. I plan to put them up when I get home... However, I haven't let myself even so much as dream the look of the actual nursery.

Also, once we have a heartbeat I want to tell our families (Mom doesn't know yet) and I'm thinking up creative ways to break the news... I'm looking for ideas ladies - how did you break the news to your families??? ESPECIALLY if your parents live out of town (mine are 5 hrs away). Nooooo idea is too silly, trust me !!!

On to the medical side of things... My BOOBS HURT!!!! They have started hurting not only when I accidentally bump one, but also when I'm just sitting there, not even considering them. OUCH!


OH, and the need to eat... I'm not ravenous between meals or even antsy when meal time comes around, but MAN let me miss a meal by a few minutes and my tummy lets me know in the most uncomfortable fashion imaginable. This afternoon we were about 1 1/2 hrs late eating and I thought for SURE I was gonna be sick from the signals in my stomach - I was so nauseous. It is a wee too early to be getting morning sickness, but I think my body just realized how hungry it was and got confused - since being nauseous hasn't been known to make me hungry before. LOL


PIOs are going good... Bo and I have gotten into a rhythm about it. I setup the shot and he goes through with the sticking me part. He has stopped apologizing for causing pain though - that is a relief to me. :) I know he hates sticking me, but we have to do it and we are committed to it.

The He.parin has left the most unusual tracks across my tummy... I have what looks like a Connect-the-Dots puzzle from one side to the other! Man, it is scary looking. I'm glad to be doing these shots though - they may just be the key to the whole thing.

Lastly, we are still having a good time at the beach. Family, food, fun - good times I tell you. Last night we had one of the cousins announce her pregnancy. I longed to announce ours too, but knew it was too soon. Way too soon. We haven't even told our immediate families yet (the group is mostly made up of Bo's Aunt's kids and their kids).

Also, I learned something so important from all of you out there - it is NOT nice to steal someone's thunder. No matter how much you want to say ME TOO it is going to leave hurt and pain in the heart of the person you "added on" to. Before IF, and hearing your stories, I wouldn't have thought of it - it never occurred to me because it hadn't happened to me. Thank you so much for your insights it made it easier to bear not being able to share our news. :)

I've rambled on long enough I guess... Let me say I've cherished getting all the notes of love and support from you guys. I'm so glad I am able to share this with you guys. Thank you for being there for me.

Beta Results - 12dp3dt

Thank you soooo much everyone for all the kind wishes!!! I have been able to check my email a little bit while on vacation, and I've enjoyed the happy messages from my IF friends. So, without further stalling....

The 1st Beta results are in!!!

270!!!

Yep, I'm definitely pregnant! :) It is a good healthy number! :)

Bo and I are very excited with the news, and both had a good joyful crying stint this afternoon.
Bo captured my tears of joy on film, until I told him to quit shooting so I could have a good cry.

We are so pleased to have made it this far, but it doesn't feel real yet. I have been holding back my "what ifs" for so long that I haven't let myself feel this is real.

As is customary for BFP bloggers - here's my symptoms list so far:
- daily heartburn
- sore boobs
- mild cramping
- starting to get some weird/vivid sexual dreams (could just be the forced abstinence since 4 days before retrieval!)

We are to go back for Beta # 2 on Thursday, as you know they want to check that the numbers will double appropriately. Assuming everything is still good we will have our next appt on next Thursday for follow-up beta and Throm.boph.ilia blood work. They are going to try and tell me how long they think I will need to be on the Heparin shots.

Personally, I'm fine taking the shots daily for the whole time, as long as it means my baby(ies) will make it to the other side of this long journey healthy and whole.

On the baby vs. babies thing... As you may know, they put back 2 embies, so we are looking forward to knowing if there is one or two babies in there. :) Personally, I'm hoping for two, but I will be perfectly happy with one. My only real goal is for this to work out well.

I heard from my friends that are looking in on my kitty Humphries for me - they say he is doing well and doesn't seem to be in distress. He seems to have fallen in love with one of my throws. I'm OK with that - I know it is just a surrogate for Mommy-love. :)

Hey S&S, I'm working on a playmate for your boy big B!! :) I would have called today with the news, but we are having cell phone limitations at the beach. Hope you read this soon!!! :)

Well guys, I'm going to go back to doing the beachy thing... Hope everyone out there is having a wonderful time this Fourth of July week. I'll be catching up on your blogs when I get back.