Scared... Sleepless...

I am sitting here thinking, "Why am I so scared?". All the while I am looking at those from the July/August Cyclesistas log to see if others have gotten and been able to keep a BFP this cycle.

I go for my 2nd beta tomorrow. I can feel my veins constricting in fear. I am scared of the results, so scared.

I don't want to go to bed, because as soon as I wake up I'll need to high-tail it down to the RE's office to take the next step. Am I? Am I still? Am I really going to keep this pregnancy? Can you hear me now, baby?

You'd think, since I've been through this before, that I would be cool about tomorrow's test. I don't remember being this nervous before. I'm sure it IS because I know... Catch 22, eh?

I've seen as many stories of happiness as sadness in this month's roll. I've seen the heartache, and those that are still waiting to have their shot at the goal. I wonder where I will be tomorrow...

For what it's worth... I've had a few symptoms here and there, but I don't think they are as strong as they were. I know, doesn't mean a lot. It is just comforting to think there's still a chance, maybe someone's still there... I'll let you all know when I know!

Life and Death, Thoughts of the Day

Today I attended a visitation for a friend, a co-worker, and a great lady. She was my manager at my current job and had been out for a month or more on medical leave.

She had a comparitively rare form of cancer and we thought she was doing well with her treatments. She passed away suddenly on the 11th.

It was quite a shock to all of us at the office. She was someone that everyone respected deeply and wanted to do their best for. She was someone that made you want to always put forth your best game.

The whole office seemed to turn out for her visitation - with her friends and family in attendence it was a big crowd. I brought along my friend DD, as DD had done some interior design work for her - they had really hit it off, so she wanted to give her condolences too.

The visitation made me think of the strangeness of life and death. People were there, walking around, mingling, talking about how much they loved and cared for the deceased. I was too. But, here I am, carrying life. My friend is carrying life too (allthough her's is much more obvious). Between the 2 of us we are carrying 3 new souls through this celebration and ceremonial closing of another's life.

It struck me as a very surreal moment in my life.

I had the hardest time watching the little picture show that was put together about her life. I cried seeing pictures of her as a child with her brothers. I realized that one day, my baby boy's pictures wherein I have so carefully recorded his laughter and milestones will most likely grace a picture show much like this. A picture show where everyone is happy, all the clothes look odd, everyone is healthy and enjoying life. I had to turn away.

How odd it is, to imagine a future... Now that I have my son the variables are too great. Will his pictures include siblings? When will they stop including my parents? My husband? Me?

Yes, I so dearly hope that there is a time, way far away in his life (50 - 60 years or more from now), where he will lay me to rest. I do not want it to be the other way around. The idea alone scares me and causes sleepless nights.

Watching that one little show gave me a glimpse into my baby's mortality, and I guess my own a little. I don't think it is a bad thing - it just made me realize that I should be careful to make good memories, fun pictures, lots of smiling days to capture.

*sigh*

Survey Says!

We are on our way...

165.7 - Beta
6.76 - Progesterone
312 - Estrogene

Yikes and Wow!



---- Protect the time and space to carry out your dreams -----

Beta Reminder - FET #1

In case you have forgotten, my beta is tomorrow! *deep breath*

I'm scared about the results. I don't think I was this scared last time.

I think my emotions are all messed up because this time I KNOW what a good beta means AND what a bad beta means. Both options are terrifying.

Don't doubt that I want my beta to be good, and I want it to stay good, and I want to bring home baby! I'm just fearful of all the what-if's between now and then. It is a long, long hard road.

I have been down the "beta looks good ...but isn't" path. That scares me just about as much, as it takes months to get over it and get back to feeling like yourself again. Miscarriages seem to chip away a little part of you every time...

Then there is the negative beta. Ugh. We all know about that one. :(

I can tell you this - I've had slightly sore boobs (mostly shooting pains), crampy pains, twinges of round ligament pain, incredible hunger, and exhastion. Hower, none of these have been with any fervor or lasted very long once they started. So, I'm not going to hold my breath that they are signs to hang my hat on.

So, we'll see. I'll let you all know as I can.

Rain, Leaves, and Little Boys ...Things that Fall

Jim has taken to the idea that he is a big boy - bigger by a couple of inches than he is. I know this in 2 ways:

1) He can't quite comfortably reach a normal stair rail, yet he keeps trying out taking the stairs like a big boy. Twice this month he has fallen down the stairs, while I watched in horror. Can you say slow-mo-fall? I can not only say it, I have nightmares about it. The 2nd time he was left with a swollen and scraped nose, because he tried to catch himself while falling. No, no Jim, roll with it baby!

2) He has started head-butting kids that are bigger than him. Especially when they won't share. I would find this somewhat funny, because damn, it works to get that toy! But, I have been the "big kid" that wouldn't share before - that shit HURTS! OW! He'll do it more than once too, if you are dumb enough not to give him what he wants or move quickly out of forehead range. For the initiated, this can lead to pushing the forehead out of reach, thereby landing baby Jim on his butt, hard. Ow!

So, we are dealing with both issues as best we can. We have started teaching Jim to touch lightly the offending person while saying,"No no insert person's name here!". It results in the cutest little "petting" action, where he lightly strokes your arm/hand/foot and gently chides you - unless you don't immediately comply, which results in a fast and furious head butt or a slap (his alternate form of disciplining bad parents). *sigh*

His teachers have been teaching him "not nice" as a method to communicate his frustration. It sounds like an odd combination of "No, no" and "Night, night", so we were glad to have it explained for us in today's report from daycare. We had been having some confusion over why he wanted to go to bed before 8 o'clock. :)

On the stairs training - he won't do the tummy-thing, I've tried. People keep telling me that is the method he should use, but this boy ain't having it. So, I have been teaching him to bump, bump, on his rump to navigate our huge flight of steep stairs. For 3 days now, since his fall at our friend's house, he has successfully bumped his way downstairs whith the help of Mommy. I figure we'll encourage this for quite a while before we allow him to solo... My goal is that he survive it, should he solo without permission.

Boy, oh, boy, my boy.

PPD vs. PPP

Akeeyu, over at Her Very Own, posted a very important story - please go over and read it.

For all of you who know and love a woman that is wanting to get pregnant and bring home baby - please go over and read it.

Her message isn't about IF, it is about her postpartum struggle and her walk through the 9th level of Hell. She has bared her soul so that women will know about PPP - Post Partum Psychosis and provided links that will help you know the difference between PPP and PPD (Post Partum Depression).

So, why am I all hot on the topic? It is because, while I didn't get as far down the rabbit hole as Akeeyu, I did experience a very bad case of post partum depression. Really, until today, I didn't know how bad it was...

"Why today?", you ask all full of wonder and awe that 1 1/2 years later I'm just figuring it out.

Because, darling, I was reminding hubby of the hard time I had right after Jim was born as a lead-in to telling him how brave and amazing I thought it was that Akeeyu told her story, and he bleated out, "Oh, no, did she hurt her children?".

If you know much about PPP, you would know that this clued me in that he knew a main differentiating symptom of PPP vs. PPD, which is thinking of hurting oneself or the baby. I quickly explained that no, all was well, and that she had asked for help and received it. He was visibly relieved.

Then he said he had been worried about me, and my reaction post-baby. That's why he had understood PPP without much explanation. He did research on what was affecting me!!! Thanks for telling me to seek help, hubby - NOT! Granted, we did discuss it, and I declined help, but MAN push me next time! Or make the Dr's appt for me! :)

As you can imagine, this lead to a long and important discussion about what we would do differently if we manage to bring home another baby.

We also discussed the GAPING hole in post-partum care for the mother. See, baby gets seen by their pediatrician within 2 days of being released from the hospital.

Mommy? When is your checkup? Who's watching to see if you are OK? Ummm...

Bueller? Bueller?

Yep, that's right Mommy - the OB is on call for you, and tou can reach out for help anytime, but your next scheduled appointment isn't for 6 WEEKS!!!

What?

You read it right, 6 WEEKS!

Doesn't that just seem a bit long to you? Yeah, me too...

Hubby and I discussed making stop-gap plans to set up a MANDATORY check-up at 2 to 3 wks post partum with my General Practioner. We will give him pre-baby-arrival instructions to question me about PPD and PPP symptoms, and he is to take evasive action with anti-depressants (or whatever is necessary) and send over a Nanny*.

See Akeeyu, you have already helped someone plan to ask for help ...before they even need it. :)

Thanks again! Really, from the bottom of my and my hubby's hearts.


* Yes, Akeeyu, I think it is a darned good idea! I might just plan to have one on call...

On Our Way?

I've been keeping a little something from the bloggy universe... We are "trying again", not as in at-some-point-we-will-start, but as in we went in for our transfer this morning! Yeah, I know, I'm bad because I didn't share. :(

I've told a couple of people recently that we were trying again, and I think I might have blogged about it in my last post, but I haven't felt like making a big production of it.

You see, until this morning, I figured it would all fizzle out. I kept taking my shots, like a good girl, but I didn't expect to get through today with baby-on-board as I had only 1 embryo in the freezer, and there was only a 50/50 chance that it would thaw and survive. However, the embryologist said it was expanding and looking good, which is a HUGE hurdle for an embryo.

We do our beta next Thursday... Not that I really expect anything. Last time we put back 2 and only 1 took, and those were Grade A. This one was a B when it went in, and they didn't grade it when they replaced it today. I'm not sure if that means anything or not, but it doesn't make me feel like dancing.

I've spent the day on the couch - writing emails and napping. I've picked up my son only 1 time, which I was told was allowed as long as I don't "repeatedly lift" anything over 10 lbs.

Jim did not appreciate that I wouldn't pick him up, but he seemed pleased when he was able to climb onto my lap and show me how his Fisher Price farm worked. Hubby has been great... He was there for me this morning, stayed home from work to keep tabs on me, and has graciously done all the heavy lifting, changing, and toting of our prince. We'll just have to refer to the next 10 days as "Daddy bonding time". :)

For now, I guess I'll be doing the slightly-shorter-than-two-weeks wait!

P.S. - I had some sort of negative reaction to the PIO shots this time. Nothing too severe, but I was worried that I might be headed for an allergic reaction. So, my RE gave me VJJay suppositories instead of PIO! Wooo Hooo! I like them, they aren't messy, and they are easy to use. I give it a thumbs up!

Note: this also means I have some extra PIO if anyone is maybe needing to kinda save some money. Not that I would do anything illegal like give it to anyone, but I'm just sayin'...