Vacation and 9dp3dt...

We're off for a week of sunsets over the ocean and sand on our toes!

Yes, I did another HPT this morning.... But, I can't compare the color darkness because I used a different kind of test.

HOWEVER, the kind of test I used was important because it makes a "positive" or plus sign instead of just 2 lines. Bo didn't like the lighter line on the last test, he just didn't trust it. THIS ONE makes a positive sign, and it was quite prominent. So, he was inclined to think that it really was more reliably positive than yesterday's result. :) Gotta love logical thought processes!

I'm going to be getting my betas while I'm at the beach next week - I've located a lab that can do the needed tests. So, I'll let you guys know how it goes when I get back!

I'm worried about my baby kitty Humphries, since he will be alone at home for the whole week. I'm not sure that he won't go a bit nuts thinking everyone has left him. I've got got a cat sitter coming to feed him daily. I've also friends that he loves setup to come over to give him some extra attention.

I've told them all that if he seems really upset or stressed to call me and we'll make a plan. He may need some kitty-prozac if he gets too freaked. My poor baby.

Well, I think that's it... The car is packed and Bo is getting restless. We'll see you all when I get back! Hopefully with good beta results!! :)

Um... Well... I peaked...

I know, I KNOW, I'm supposed to resist... I KNOW!!!

You see, tomorrow we are going on vacation for a week - a whole week at the beach. So, me being the frugal person that I am, I reasoned that HPTs would be more expensive at the beach. So, I got a 2-pack... Just for the savings, not to peak.

Well, I not only bought pregnancy tests, but I was callous enough to LEAVE THEM ON THE SINK right by the toilet all night. Yeah, like I was gonna resist them with them right there.

I even took measures to semi-sabotage my "wait until the date" efforts. I realized, to my horror, that this box has plastic wrap on the outside - much like a CD. I HATE getting CDs open, and I KNEW my bladder would not hold while I fumbled with the packaging when I did need to use one. So, I unwrapped the top of the box - for safety's sake, not because I was going to use them early. No, not me....

I usually don't peak, I swear!

Birthday packages? No Peaking!
Christmas presents? No Peaking!
Surprises from Bo? No Peaking!
8dp3dt? Yeah, I caved. Bigtime...

Bo was in the shower - not 2 feet from where I was breaking the golden rule of IF. Thou Shalt Not Peak!!

I knew I could break my own heart... This has been such a rough week with Cocoa and all. BUT I have been having twinges, a few cramps and crazy all day heartburn. Also, I realized it was Friday, and I would have to work all day today with whatever happiness/sadness this test would bring, but I HAD TO KNOW!

So, knowing Bo would kill me if he saw... I waited until I heard the water running for his shower. Then I went in and quietly opened the box and unwrapped the wrapper, all the while carrying on a conversation with him and acting like NO PEAKING was going on. I am GOOD I tell you.

I peed on the stick, put the cap back on, and watched the line of urine creep across the test. All of you know this is the LONGEST 5 seconds of your life!!

My heart jumped as I thought I saw a faint line as the urine moved past the "test" part of the stick - you know, where that fateful line needs to be. I was just SURE it was there, but it disappeared. Ladies, that is when I realized then how stupid it was to take a test at 8dp3dt. Man, what a dope.

I put the test on a piece of TP on the sink to let it sit for the minimum of 3 mins before I discarded the darned thing. I didn't want to look at it though... I hate it when all that stark whiteness stares back at me - daring me to inspect it more closely.
. 30 seconds

.

. 1 minute

.

. 1:30 seconds

. 2 minutes

I washed my hands, petted Humphries and talked to BO. When he got out of the shower I went over to brush my teeth, and that's when I saw it....

THERE WAS A SECOND LINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, it is a faint second line... But it was certainly there - you do not need NASA grade optics to see it.

I grabbed the test, showed it to Bo and said "We just might have the winning lottery ticket, right here!". He took the test from me and looked. He frowned and said, "Now don't get all excited, that line looks pretty faint to me. It could be something in your medications that's making it show up." My Bo, ever the optimist made several more remarks about its lack of being a real second line.

I think I actually pouted. I started doubting my HPT and HCG knowledge. I wasn't SURE it wouldn't be the HCG shot, and suddenly I couldn't remember if PIO causes false positives. Darn it!! It would be 2 hours before the clinic opened and I could ask my favorite RE nurse! Grrrr!

Well, I managed to make it to opening time and called the nurse. She said that the HCG shot should be well gone, and that if there was a line then it was coming from my body, naturally. As in - made by an implanted embryo. The bad news is, they wouldn't do my beta this early.

She said the RE wouldn't want to see beta numbers this soon, and would want me to wait until Tuesday anyway. Darn it! I was sure hoping we could use this as "beta 1" to make the beta on Tuesday be the "Is it doubling" test. Darn, darn, darn. But hey, wait a minute...

THERE WAS A SECOND LINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOOOooooooooooo - while I am excited that there were two lines, I know darned well that anything could be going on in there. I know that there are a million ways in which this could all go wrong, even before Tuesday gets here.

I am seasoned enough to know that I am barely at step one of a very scary and potentially painful roller coaster ride of emotions until that beta doubles, the heart(s) beats and all of the other milestones follow successfully in a line leading up to delivery. I know foe sure that it is way to soon to be convinced that we have the winning lottery ticket.

However, I just want to be happy, just for a few minutes, and dream that maybe, just maybe, we made it this time.

The one promise I made to Bo was that I WILL NOT let myself get giddy and all worked up into a frenzy of happiness until we have beta numbers to "officially" signal a healthy pregnancy. My sweetie doesn't want to see me crushed... I easily agreed, as it would be best to maintain our sanity and provide that little bitty cushion of comfort called cautious and optimistic hope.

Bo said something sooooo sweet before he left for work... He said, "If that test is right it is the second best thing I will see in all my life." To which I replied, "What is the first?" and he said "Seeing them in our arms." It was so sweet I almost cried. I guess this is his little way of saying he's reserving his judgement, but is hopeful that this is, in fact, signaling the answer to our prayers.

Thank You Everyone...

Thank you everyone for your heartfelt sympathies. It has been very hard to read these messages, knowing they will break my heart by reminding me that my baby Cocoa is gone. And yet, with each message my heart has gotten a little lighter.

Today is easier than yesterday, tomorrow will be easier still. Sometimes I still break into tears at the seemingly silliest things, and sometimes I am happy when I remember his wonderful brand of silliness.

Thank you again, it means so much to know that so many people care.

Bye Bye Baby Cocoa... I'll Miss You, Forever

My sweetheart, my love, my loverboy is gone. I took him in this morning and had him put to sleep.

He was so bad off, so tired, so skinny and it was time to say goodbye. He stopped eating without being forced about 2 weeks ago. However, he was doing OK until a couple of days ago when he stopped drinking water voluntarily. No matter how much I love him, and maybe because I love him so much, I just couldn't force him to go through the indignities of this any longer.

The loving, sweet baby had gone through too much and had lost the sparkle that made him who he was. He simply sat and stared into space, he no longer purred from my touch. He could barely get up, barely walk.

It was time and I was lucky enough to be able to hold him while he went off to sleep. He snuggled me one last time and then he was gone. I didn't stay for the euthanasia part - it is too painful to watch according to friends whose judgements I trust. I just held him, then laid him gently into the arms of the Dr. who promised he would treat him as gently as possible.

My furbaby Cocoa is gone, and my heart aches.

Humphries, Cocoa's littermate and brother seems to somewhat understand. He looked for him when I came home. He smelled him on my hands, on my face. He crawled into my lap and cuddled me for a long time. He keeps watching the door for Cocoa, but I think he already knows that his brother is not coming back. We took a nap and it felt good to have his warm body curled up next to mine.

I know I will get through this hurt. I know it will be OK. It will take a while - tomorrow will be a little better than today, again and again, until he is just a sweet memory in my heart.

3dp3dt & How I'm feeling today....

Today has been a very relaxing day... I woke up around 10:30, lounged in the bed with a very happy Humphries kitty. :) He loves it when I don't have any rushing around to do. He totally takes advantage.

I got out and puttered around my yard, watering my sad plants. The heat and complete lack of water has just zapped them. I have some BEAUTIFUL hydrangeas blooming in my yard, but their poor heads are wilted and they are looking so sad. Hopefully they will perk back up now...

Hubby and I got ourselves together and went to brunch at a local deli. It's a nice place, and they have GREAT freshly made potato salad - mmmm.

After such a workout I was just exhausted, so we came back and I took a long nap on the couch. :) I'm such a bum!!!

Today while I was perusing all your bloggy pages I realized I liked the theme songs some of you were posting on your nav bars. I thought about it carefully, then looked for "my song", the on that has been in the back of my mind since our exctopic in March - "Grieve" by Peter Gabriel.

When I listened to Grieve today I realized that no, actually it doesn't fit anymore. I've just been carrying it with me, without thinking. I've sort-of stopped grieving, I guess. So, I've picked a new song, one that better suits my current thinking. One that says what I would say to someone asking me about IF and where I am... Please, have a listen...

On another note... Monitoring is happening over at Still Passing Open Windows too. I hadn't ever heard that heartburn could be a sign of implantation... Hmmmm... I'm not one for heartburn, but I've been blessed with it now for 3 days. Ugh, I mean YAY!

I've been thinking it was the darned antibiotics they've got me taking. The only other time I have had trouble with heartburn was when I was taking met.aformine and also when I was PG in February. So, I guess I'll let you guys know in a few more days whether it was a good sign, or just drugs, right? :)

Rated PG - Yeah Right!

Ann's over at A Brief History of You got a fun link... It rates your blog based on its content.

I did my blog...

OMG - Mine came up "PG"??? Me? PG?? Yeah, I like the irony too. :)

The funniest thing is that the tagline reads "Some material might not be suitable for children". Well DUH! Not being suitable for children is the WHOLE REASON for this damned blog!!! :O

The reasons for this rating; pain (3x) ass (2x) pissed (1x)

I love the fact that it totally missed the numerous fuck, damn, and shit sprinkled throughout. LOL Gotta love it!

If you want to rate your site, just click on my PG rating above and enter your web address.

What D@wn Needs...

Apparently this little game is going around blogland...you go to google and type in your first name and "needs" and see what google thinks you need. Here's what D@wn needs, according to google (I've modified the name so I don't show up on other's searches).

• D@wn needs a headcount before Thursday of this week so sign up quick! - Not sure what for - but you'd better sign up!!!


• D@wn needs a Tripod - - Um. Not that I know of.


• D@wn needs to get over herself. I'm willing to bet her hits and readers would go down significantly if she stopped posting half-naked pics -- Interesting, I was just about to post my very first 1/2 naked pic of my belly. Maybe I SHOULD! My #'s would go up!


• D@wn needs to be on TV land -- Oh, yeah! I'd like that.


• D@wn needs to do is figure out a basic strategy that can lead into four different moveset uses, which she can easily ready. -- A basic strategy is always good, yesterday is a good example. :)


• D@wn needs a MIRACLE -- For Sure! Anyone got an extra one handy??


• D@wn needs some man on man action! -- OK, no, I draw the line at this one...


• D@wn needs a plan to help her live beyond her injuries. -- Oh man, what injuries?


• D@wn needs to develop more speed endurance. -- LOL, hell yeah, snails can beat me at this point.


• D@wn needs to show us more of the extraordinary young woman she showed us glimpses of & less of the needy attention-seeker that occasionally peeked out. -- Oh, that hurts. That really, really hurts you guys. I mean.. *sniff, sniff* I don't vie for attention. *Whaaaaaaaaaaaa!*


• D@wn needs to get out of the house. -- Yeah, probably true. :)


• D@wn needs You! -- For Sure! You guys are the greatest! I felt sooo good when I came in and saw all the love from yesterday's adventures. Thanks, Guys!