Monday, April 16, 2007

High Stakes...

I am not a good gambler... I'll admit to getting all worked up when I have a "chance to win!" in a raffle or even at slots. However, I don't really enjoy the thrill of gambling that much. I think it is because the letdown is too much for me when I loose - I really, truly feel defeated when I loose.

The stakes in the IF game are high for me, and sometimes it is hard for me to see a reason to keep gambling. I continue to work myself up for "one more cycle" knowing how very real the crash-down may be.

So, how high are the stakes for Hubby? Somtimes I forget him and his worries while wallowing in my own worrying and sorrow. Yes, I want a child to love. Yes, I want to have a family, but for my Hubby the stakes are higher. With each passing month, he is looking at the end of his family lineage, on both sides of his family (mom's lineage and dad's family name).

I am writing this post to get the information out of my head and onto paper where it can rest easier... There is no conclusion to be drawn, not cathartic moment, and no answer to the problem yet. The answer will be had when either we have children, adopt children, or decide to stop trying.

We talked about his worries and fears during our "planning" conversation a couple of weeks ago. It came up because the ectopic happened, and I was told my chances of "natural conception" were very low, and I suddenly realized how sad and scary it really is to be faced with the possibility of never having children. You see, until then there was still this optimistic part of me that thought, "It will happen for me eventually, we just need to get the right formula!".

Until I was facing it for myself, I selfishly hadn't considered the full impact of our failures on my Hubby. Each time we got a BFN he expressed his sadness, but he hadn't said anything, or made any references to his lineage fears.

Here's the breakdown of his family...
- His mother had siblings, but they had no children.
- His father had one sibling, a sister, who married into another family name. So the family lineage continues, but they do not carry her maiden name.
- There are 3 children in Hubby's immediate family, all boys, that could carry on his father's family name.
- All 3 brothers are married, but none have had children.

Everyone in Hubby's immediate family is over 42, except me. I realize ladies can have children later than 42, but the other ladies have already been through various forms of IF treatments, to no avail. They have stopped trying, we believe. There could be an "oops", but it isn't looking too promising. Therefore, I am very likely the last hope of any grandchildren that will bear his father's family name and his mother's genes.

Let me just say for the record, I really am not taking on the stress of carrying whole of the family's lineage issues, and no one is pushing me at all. Not even Hubby.

At this point though, I understand how it feels to be faced with possibly never having children. I cannot know how it feels to know you are the last hope for your family. He must be going through pure hell with each BFN, but he keeps gambling and hoping to hit the jackpot.

As long as we have hope we'll keep trying. As long as we keep trying there is hope... Our plan is to hold on to hope for a while longer.


Mary Ellen and Steve said...

The stakes can get very high in this awful game. I wish you all the best, and I so hope that you and your hubby get your wish.

Samantha said...

I feel a lot of pressure too, although frankly I haven't though much about the family line. Since that is something that is very important for your husband, that must add another layer of stress to the whole process. I also know what you mean about getting wrapped up my world of IF, which I have done and accidently shut my husband out. I hope the two of you can provide good support for each other.

Baby Blues said...

I'm holding on to hope for you. I believe it will happen.

I feel the pressure with my in-laws too, rather than with my family. But the real pressure is coming from me. Sometimes I think I'm too hard on myself, in all aspects of life.

Reproductive Jeans said...

Im so sorry for your recent loss...and the family pressure can add stress to the STRESS! I hope all smooths out soon, and I wish you the very best!

hopeful to hateful in 28 days said...

Hold onto that hope. I know it is hard but you've got to constantly repeat it to yourself.

May I add you to my "Frequently read blogs"?