Sunday, April 29, 2007

The beatings will continue until morale improves...

I am sure some of you have seen a sign that says this "The beatings will continue until morale improves!", and I bet you laughed, right?

Well, at my corporate-crazed-morale-deficient workplace I have taken on a new pseudo-role of "team morale builder"! Hmmm, how did that happen?? I got tired of the same old sad-faced people looking at me day-to-day saying "that other department sure seems to have a lot of fun", but then they didn't get off their tushes to do anything about it. I considered begging to move back to the "fun" department from whence I just came, but decided to give it the old college try first.

I told my director that I would like to throw a small office party - just a potluck. I convinced him that it would cost the department nothing (would be done at no cost and during lunch). He agreed.

The potluck was a couple of weeks ago, and it was a HUGE success. You would think our team was the first corporate team to ever have a potluck from the excitement it generated! Also, the director got BIG kudos from the team and his peers for letting us hold the event.

Well, this week I got the good news that I was to head up the employee committee for building team morale! Wait, did I just say that? Yep, I am the one now responsible for the happiness of the entire department - just over 125 people, I think.

Hmmm, there is how much money to spend on making them happy? How many days are set aside on our project calendars for events? How many other directors and VPs have bought into this idea? The answers, in order are: None, none and none.

So, if you have any team-building ideas for the "Happiness and High Morale Fairy" please send them my way!!!! I am looking for low to no cost ideas for the team to do. Things like contests, silly games, "good job" awards - that kind of thing.

If any of you are still out there watching - I need help guys!!!

Monday, April 16, 2007

High Stakes...

I am not a good gambler... I'll admit to getting all worked up when I have a "chance to win!" in a raffle or even at slots. However, I don't really enjoy the thrill of gambling that much. I think it is because the letdown is too much for me when I loose - I really, truly feel defeated when I loose.

The stakes in the IF game are high for me, and sometimes it is hard for me to see a reason to keep gambling. I continue to work myself up for "one more cycle" knowing how very real the crash-down may be.

So, how high are the stakes for Hubby? Somtimes I forget him and his worries while wallowing in my own worrying and sorrow. Yes, I want a child to love. Yes, I want to have a family, but for my Hubby the stakes are higher. With each passing month, he is looking at the end of his family lineage, on both sides of his family (mom's lineage and dad's family name).

I am writing this post to get the information out of my head and onto paper where it can rest easier... There is no conclusion to be drawn, not cathartic moment, and no answer to the problem yet. The answer will be had when either we have children, adopt children, or decide to stop trying.

We talked about his worries and fears during our "planning" conversation a couple of weeks ago. It came up because the ectopic happened, and I was told my chances of "natural conception" were very low, and I suddenly realized how sad and scary it really is to be faced with the possibility of never having children. You see, until then there was still this optimistic part of me that thought, "It will happen for me eventually, we just need to get the right formula!".

Until I was facing it for myself, I selfishly hadn't considered the full impact of our failures on my Hubby. Each time we got a BFN he expressed his sadness, but he hadn't said anything, or made any references to his lineage fears.

Here's the breakdown of his family...
- His mother had siblings, but they had no children.
- His father had one sibling, a sister, who married into another family name. So the family lineage continues, but they do not carry her maiden name.
- There are 3 children in Hubby's immediate family, all boys, that could carry on his father's family name.
- All 3 brothers are married, but none have had children.

Everyone in Hubby's immediate family is over 42, except me. I realize ladies can have children later than 42, but the other ladies have already been through various forms of IF treatments, to no avail. They have stopped trying, we believe. There could be an "oops", but it isn't looking too promising. Therefore, I am very likely the last hope of any grandchildren that will bear his father's family name and his mother's genes.

Let me just say for the record, I really am not taking on the stress of carrying whole of the family's lineage issues, and no one is pushing me at all. Not even Hubby.

At this point though, I understand how it feels to be faced with possibly never having children. I cannot know how it feels to know you are the last hope for your family. He must be going through pure hell with each BFN, but he keeps gambling and hoping to hit the jackpot.

As long as we have hope we'll keep trying. As long as we keep trying there is hope... Our plan is to hold on to hope for a while longer.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Let It Snow....

Yep, that's what I said, LET IT SNOW!!!!! It is no April Fool's joke either!

Last week that was my mantra. Oh, and I didn't mean here in the Southeast, no way. I meant in Boise, ID!!

Why?? You ask Why????

My oldest brother lives there, on a small ranch. We had a family vacation where the 3 of us siblings came together with our respective families to hang out together and go SNOWMOBILING!!!

We had the best time - I'm the one in the middle, oldest brother on my left and middle brother on my right, and hubby is taking the picture. The pic is kinda hazy because it was snowing!

We really blew it out - 8 hours of snowmobiling fun and frolic! Everything Hurts! My arms, hips, legs, knees, and even the palms of my hands hurt! It was worth it!!! Wooo Hoo!!!

We rode 50 miles total, which included trail riding and quite a bit of trail blazing. We rode to 3 different points on the trail where you can go offroad and ride like the wind. We jumped mounds and dodged trees, sledded down hills that made your stomach drop and climbed hills where you were sure you would tip over backwards. Yikes!

I couldn't get enough - I kept saying, "I'm gonna do one more round, then we can go!" :)

The only sudo-sad moment for me was when I realized that 1 month ago, to the day, I was in surgery to remove the ectopic pregnancy. If life had zigged instead of zagged, or if the pregnancy had been OK, I would have missed this amazing moment with my brothers - the time of my life, with two of the true loves of my life.

Sometimes, when bad things happen to you, you can't see how it will be OK. You just can't imagine that something will break your heart so completely and yet something wonderful is in store for you. I am glad I didn't stop living and playing just because my heart was broken - life goes on if only you will let it.

Thanks W & W & Hubby for taking time to play!!!