Thursday, September 30, 2010

Walk of Hope & 31 Wk PG Update

Well, I did it! I collected money, I showed up, I met Julie, and I walked in the Resolve Walk of Hope last weekend! At 31 wks pregnant that isn't anything to sneeze at either! The walk wasn't really very long, and thankfully it wasn't as dreadfully hot as it has been lately (but still hot enough).

Best of all... I walked with Julie, yes THAT JULIE, and had a DIVINE time! We walked and talked, we reviewed our stories, discussed extended-length blogging (hers), and generally had a good time overall. After the walking part - we sat in a gourgeous park-area, ate muffins, and I met Jen, Andrea, and Renee. We chatted, played with babies, ate muffins, took bets on how much sugar Jen's kiddo could handle without self-destructing, and had a nice relaxing time. For the record - that kid can handle her sugar!

Later in the day we met up for dinner and added Jennifer to our crew. We had a nice dinner and got to know each other a bit better. I've said so in my comments to Jen and Julie, but I felt like I talked my head off because I was like a puppy at Christmas, all happy to meet my family. It felt very good to meet people that I KNOW will understand my struggle - I don't have to explain IF, or thrombophilia, or how I could shoot myself up daily with NEEDLES to get a child.

Best of all, when I qualified all of my statements about this pregnancy with something like "Assuming all goes well..." no one chided me. No one tried to talk me into be giddy with excitement. Everyone simply nodded and said, "I know exactly how you feel". All I can say is THANKS for that ladies. I didn't feel like a freak, and that meant a lot.

I have to say, when I was at the Resolve walk, it felt very good to look at the rather-large gathering and KNOW that each of those ladies and gentlemen had a story similar to mine. All of the children were works of ART. Seeing all the babies and toddlers made me feel like I was right where I needed to be, doing what needed to be done.

At one point I spoke with one of the RESOLVE team, Renee, about the lobbyist work that was being done on behalf of the RE physicians. Her story struck home with me...

Apparently, there was recently some legislature proposed in Georgia that would change the rules re: embryos (as I remember it) that would make IVF unavailable/illegal as an ART therapy. The lobbyist and (I think) the Resolve team got people and their familys together to go down to the Capital... The bill was stopped by presenting these families and asking the legislators a simple question, "Sir, which of these children would you say was unecessary. Tell me, which one is one too many?". The bill was killed.

That was profound to me... Here there was a group of legislators threatening to take away my ART privilidges. Threatening to take away my ability to make a family. I didn't even know. I was totally UNAWARE that this was going on right under my nose.

That got my attention...

So, I hope I can remember this story after our baby girl is safe at home. Once I'm not on the IF roller coaster I want to start doing what I can for Resolve. I want to be sure that the next IF couples on this journey are given the opportunity to have their families.

**subject change warning!**

This baby girl is doing her utmost best to crawl her way out of my belly. It feels very much like she's digging for gold in there! I hope she finds some - it might help pay off some of the IVF bills. HA! I kid.

I didn't feel this uncomfortable with Jim. I wasn't this big this early either! My belly is very high this time, and very, very round. It is extrememly obvious that I'm PG, not fat. I get pretty intense tightening several times a day now (not quite as bad as I remember Braxton Hicks, but getting close). Everything seems to be WAY faster with this one...

I'm now so big that people are stopping me to ask when I'm due, and they are expecting an answer of 3 wks or less. So, it is kinda fun when I get to say 8 wks, and wait for their mouths to fall open and eyes to bug out! HA! The immediate stare at my mid-section never fails to amuse me.

List of items to update about from previous posts:

  • My Gest.ational Dia.betes appears to be under good control.
  • My Syn.throid Rx (for Thyroid issue) has finally been officially reduced back to a reasonable dose
  • My mood is GREATLY improved.
  • I have setup a marriage counseling appointment for next week for hubby and I
  • My son seems to be holding up under all the changes that are occuring at our home (including the influx of pink clothing and toys)
  • I have a C-section date scheduled!!!! Nov 20th!
  • Baby is supposedly ~ 4.5 lbs - about 2 wks ahead.

I think that's all the news that is news here at Lake Won'tBeLong. Goodnight.

Monday, September 20, 2010

I'm Walking... Not the Way You Think Though!

I've decided to join Julie over at A Little Pregnant in the RESOLVE walkathon this weekend! Yeah, I know I'll be 31 weeks PG, but damn, I can walk SOME!

I've already raised $75, and that's just 2 people. Gotta love family.

I rarely ever do fundraisers, but when I realized what I'd be missing if I DIDN'T go... Well, I decided I had to. I tend to donate, but I don't get involved, unless it's in the planning part of a fundraiser. I've actually helped put together a walkathon for MS, so I have some real street cred in that department.

Anyway... I'm walking with team "No, you Relax!". I love the name, and it fits my personality beautifully! If you want to support my walk, I'll send you the info you need to do it. However, do know I don't expect it from anyone that reads me here, so I'm not posting it outright.

Do know, I love you guys, and I think of your support for me very often. So, I'm walking for all of us ladies that support each other, and most of all... For all the ladies that will come after us in the IF journey. Maybe, just maybe by walking and raising awareness, I can make that road easier for someone else.


Sorry, didn't want to hurt anyone with the sudden change of topics....

I saw the endocrinologist today... She said something along the lines of "WHOA!" when she saw the huge increases in my synthroid in the last 8 months. She said that looking at my data it's no wonder I felt like crap. I've been pushed from 50 mcg to 125 mcg in a VERY short period of time. She also felt that for whatever reason my Drs had missed 2 key dosage levels on the way to the 125mcg dosage. Turns out there was an 88 mcg and a 112 mcg option for this drug - yeah, my Drs just skipped it.

So, she's running a NEW baseline for my thyroid, and she's going to determine next steps from there. YAY! She will likely leave me at the reduced synthroid level, and may possibly lower it. Reason: Baby is making it's OWN thyroid hormones now, so MINE aren't as key anymore.

Sigh. I feel better already.

BoNuS! She's also a diabetes specialist, so she's going to take over my potential gest.ational dia.betes care too! YAY! Only one doc will mess with all my prescriptions! YAY!

Today hasn't been as bad as yesterady. Hubby and I are surviving so far. We'll see what comes of it.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Life in the Moment

hmmm.... where to start.

Yesterday, I would have told you all about how great my visit with the counselor went. I found someone that isn't interested in simply medicating me - since she agreed my issues were directly the result of a medication change.

I had found out well before my appointment, thanks to some super-sleuthing from my hubby, that the increase in my thyroid meds were possibly causing my distress and sudden mood change. So I self-medicated, by dropping back to my previous dose, and suddenly the world was a brighter and MUCH nicer place. ...Who knew Thyroid meds could make you super-depressed and anxious? Weird, huh?

Anyway, the Dr/Counselor I went to see recommended I go to an Endocrinologist to get my thyroid levels professionally adjusted, and to make sure someone was closely monitoring me AND my mood as the drugs are altered.

I have an appt with the Endo doc on Monday. Yay me!

Today, I would tell you that I'm still quite unhappy at times, and not all of it is med or baby-related. I have some gripes with hubby. I'm not sure how I'll deal with them either. I'm not sure how we'll recover from the place we've gotten to - both of us are pretty tired of it.

This isn't where I wanted to be right now. I have 8 to 9 weeks to go in this pregnancy - I want to be sailing into the finish, not riding stormy seas and wondering if I'll capsize and drown. I am really exhausted mentally - too much stress and struggle. I want some time off to myself.

I considered calling my folks and seeing if I (just me, no kiddo) could come work from their house for a week (I'm allowed to work-from-home sometimes). Then I realized I'm not allowed to drive that far at this point - it's 5 hrs 1 way, and I'm not supposed to do more than 2 or so at a stretch at this point. Grrr. I COULD do it, but it'd take me extra hours, and it seems like a long way to go to get some downtime. AND there's no gaurantee it'd be down time since my Mom and Dad would be all up in my business wanting to get to the bottom of me running away from home.


I don't really want to actually run away from home. I just want some relief. I don't think I'll be getting it for some time though.

Then there's the question of my parents' plans to come help me when baby gets here. Last week we discussed it and my Mom said something about being home for Thanksgiving. I'm confused by this, since I'm likely not going to get out of the hospital until that very day. Current thinking is we'd do a c-section on the 22nd of Nov - that puts me out of the hosp on the 25th, most likely.

Anyway, I'm just going to have to work through it the best I can. Maybe she was thinking that I'm right that this baby will make an appearance early. Little Miss seems to be getting impatient. I've been having Braxton Hicks pretty often when standing. Not terribly painful, just uncomfortably tight. I know that isn't a true indicator, but everything seems to be faster/earlier this time - and I'm huge! I look like I could pop any day now.

So... not sure what else to add to it all. I'm just hanging out and hanging on. Not sure what the world is gonna throw at me next. Hopefully it will be something good. All in all though, I know that things are maneagable, just not exactly how I'd like them. So, I'll just have to deal until I can work it all out.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Maybe this is my own form of "What IF?"...

You know me a little... I'm normally mostly upbeat, right?  So, how do I ever explain? 
Explain being sad, and yet happy at the same time?
Explain that infertility stole the happiness of this pregnancy from you. You can't help but think of the other 6 pregnancies that didn't work out.
Explain that in your heart you knew this baby was a girl, but you were scared shitless when it was confirmed because you lost your last little girl in the 2nd trimester.
Explain that imagining delivering early seems like a good idea at times, only because it'd get your baby out of your wonky body and into more capeable hands faster?
Explain that you sometimes have to fake being excited, just so you don't stress out your well-meaning family and friends.
Explain that you feel like the last 7 years of your life have been dedicated to having babies, and that really, you are done hearing how you need to eat this, do that, don't do this - you want your freakin' body back. And, Dr Wonderful, I'm sorry if you want blood checks from me 4 times a day, I don't give a flying Fuck - deal with it.
See... you can't... not really. And it isn't even every day that really feel this way - it is only some of these items on some days, and others on other days. Also, you can't show your ass everytime someone wishes you well. So, you just suck it up and prepare to slog through the remaining 10 wks.
Oh yeah, when you see the neighbor and her little girl out for a stroll, the one that was born the same week your little lost soul was due, you are thankful to God that there are strangers standing nearby. It's so you can't lay down in your driveway and cry like a baby. Or worse yet, run screaming out in the street to tell her how it is all OK, because you are soon due with another girl. Sigh.
Yeah... I've got issues - they normally lurk farther under the surface. recently for some reason they are popping up like dandelions. I think it might actually be from the greatly-increased Synthroid...  They've double it over the last 3 months. I cut back 1 level last week, and I'm feeling much better... So, gotta talk to them about that on Thurs.  Also, I've called my OB and asked for a referral for someone to talk to. I just have to get feeling better before my little girl arrives... No reason for her to have to live in this sad and dark place with me.