Thursday, August 27, 2009

All Seems Well

The RE's US tech did not see any obvious issues. They have ordered some bloodwork to check my hormones in case my meds need adjustments.

The best part of the US was that there is a heartbeat already!

I guess I'll have to get myself a ticker, huh?

Wow. Just wow.

Now we are just hoping this cramping stops.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

A Wanding We Will Go...

The RE's office set me up with an appt for 1 PM ET today. They want to see if there is some reason for all the aggression.

I feel seasick from all the ute motion.

I'll let you know what there is to know when I know something. ;)
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Uterine Aggression

I am being pummeled from the inside. Ugh.

The RE nurse said my uterine irritability would go away if I were to drink more water. I should have clarified "more", because damn it I'm drinking more but I'm still getting beat up!

Just before heading home from work I visited the ladies room. I wasn't feeling too good - and I saw a light brushing of pink on the TP. After that is when the agression started. My ute tightened up - not like a cramp though - more like Braxton Hics felt. Very odd thing to feel...

Know this though, I didn't panic, still haven't, even with all the agressive uterine antics.

I've told hubby the basics, and that I'm not cooking tonight (thank you Hamburger Helper). I came in and I set it up for him and went to relax.

20 mins later I'm eating dinner in hubbys fav recliner. ;)

I'm guessing I'll call the RE tomorrow to see if we need some intervention.

Why is it that infertility problems and worries never seem to end?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

An Interesting Question of Odds

And now, the REST of the story...
Portia asked an interesting question - I guess I didn't deliberate it online, so you guys don't know how agonizing the weeks and months were leading up to our transfer.
Bo and I had been talking since March about a sibling for Jim - that's when our little man turned 1 and we thought he was the most amazing boy to ever walk clumsily across the earth. We thought that maybe we should give him someone to torture/play with besides us.
There were some major dilemmas though, so I'll detail them here for posterity...
1) Fresh vs. Frozen: We had a consult with our RE and were counseled that our best shot at another child would be with a fresh cycle. Hubby and I went over and over the agonizing pros and cons... We were 2 days before starting our cycle before I felt like I'd landed on a choice - that's about 4 months of agonizing, folks!
Frozen - We had one lonely little embryo in the freezer. Chance of surviving thaw = 50/50. If that worked, chance of implantation and PG = ~ 40%. Overall Odds = ~ 20%, given our other obstacles. I would be lying if I didn't say I thought this was the longest shot possible, and I didn't want to do it.
Fresh -  So, fresh was best, but that would possibly lead to more embryos in the freezer. If we got lucky on the 1st shot we might not want to try for a 3rd or 4th, leaving the unused ones stranded on ice. Bo is deeply against this solution for the long term, and now that we KNOW our boy we both have a hard time imagining giving him to someone else. Don'tsend me hate mail - we didn't ever come to a final conclusion on this option - we just appeared to waffle and discuss forever over this topic. Ugh - it was particularly hard to dicuss.
2) Cost - Frozen was waaaaaay less expensive - by about 1/4. We had a little $ left for a fresh cycle, but not enough to even out the costs.

3) My Cycles - after Jim was born I had what appeared to be a "natural" pregnancy and miscarriage - I bled for 3 months almost non-stop. Since then my cycles haven't been completely regular.

4) IF Cycling - I don't guess I realized it at the time, but I was so traumatized by the process of undergoing IVF. I will tell my bloggy friends the utter truth... I did not want to do it again. Ever. My body and mind had been through enough, so I had a very hard time imagining trying again.
In addition to all of this trauma, I still have residual physical issues from some of our cycling-induced complications. By March of this year I felt I really liked having my body back and I did not have a constant countdown of "days until X" in my head. I was also scared to do the PIO again - even though it wasn't so bad in reality. I would physically shake inside at the thought of starting over.
Once we finally met with the RE, in late March, I became a leaf in a river - that is essentially how I delt with planning the cycle we just finished. I floated along, and if a cycle happened, fine - if not, fine. Case in point - I missed a whole month we could have cycled simply because I didn't follow-up on my lack of a period...  I just didn't want to face the music/needles/fear. 
5) Another Baby - Now do know, I am very, very, very happy to be pregnant. I am looking forward to another child, really! However, when you are just past the 1st birthday of your 1st little darling and you are starting to count the months until he's potty trained... The years before he starts elementary school...  How old will I be when he'll start high school ... The milestones for when he'll do so many great things. You kinda ask yourself - do I want to restart that clock in 9 months? Really?
So, that's the recap of a 4 month journey to the cycle that has resulted in our current bump. I am glad we are here. I am scared of the future, and of things going wrong. I'm scared I won't be able to handle 2 kids. I am affraid, but I am hopeful for a good outcome - a happy and healthy 2nd child.


Monday, August 24, 2009

Relief and Nausea

Yeah, yeah, I know...  I should stop stressing.
I got my numbers, and a case of nausea at the same time... 
HCG  5219
estriodail 304
Progesterone 8.3  <--- it's increasing naturally, but not over the "normal" threshold yet. 
I need my progesterone # to get to somewhere around 15 - 20 before I can stop taking progesterone suppositories, I think.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

For Gil - Thinking of You!

Hey, GIL!  I'm thinking of you and haven't had a chance to check to see how Petit is coming along. I hope you'll enjoy this!
For those that don't know, Gil is not only an IF sister, but also a gamer. She has been awaiting her first child for much longer than 9 Months. Her blog is Hardest Quest, you'll find it on my side bar!  Go show her some love in the last few days of her real-life quest - she's just about to Level UP, and as some of you know, she'll be getting a lot of real world experience points as a result too!!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

3 Fun Things in 24 Hours

Jim has begun to be able to entertain himself for more than a few minutes - generally reading a book, playing with a toy, or doing a puzzle. Las night, he was sitting next to me on the couch doing a puzzle. With each piece he would mimick the animal's sound.
Mooo, quack quack, he he he he (that's a horse, they aparently laugh), and there were a few he couldn't name.

After a moment he looked up, apearing to be finished, but instead he looked quizically at me and said in a questioning voice, "meow?". I pointed to our cat. He looked, then shook his head no. Again he said in a questioning voice, "meow?". then he pointed to the puzzle.

I was stunned.... There was a very small kitty on the board were a hayloft puzzle piece should be. He was ASKING me where the kitty puzzle piece was!!!!! OMG! I was so terribly amazed and proud. I quickly found the piece, he put it into place and said proudly, "All Done!".

You can imagine I kissed and cuddled him and was so terribly happy for my boy. Wow, just wow.

Later in the evening, he wasn't being so angelic... I resorted to the countdown. You know, the one where your mother looks at you sternly and says, "1... 2...", and you'd better hope like crazy you stop what you are doing before she gets to "3". Yeah, that.

I have been using a modified version, wherein "3" ends with a Jim-sized timeout with no toys or touching whatever he was messing with. I wouldn't really call it time out, because he is allowed to interact with Mommy, and he can play with me if he chooses to be nice.

Anyway... Jim was banging the back of his head into our glass fireplace doors (not hard, it was freaking Daddy out though). So, I corrected him, then started the countdown... Do it with me...

1, with one finger held high - "Jim you'd better stop or you'll have to get down!"

2, with two fingers held high - "that's not nice Jim, Mommy said stop, I'm going to make you get down."

Jim paused in his head-banging, looked at me so happy and yelled

"THREE!!!!" in his highest, most excited voice.

I was soooo shocked and amused that I could barely contain myself. Hubby and I laughed and laughed.

Jim clapped at his cleverness. Beautiful boy!

So, what is the 3rd fun thing?? I've had mild nausea all day today, and I'm famished! I can't seem to get enough to eat, but I don't WANT to eat, because my tummy is kinda green.

I'm OK with it though - I know it is a pretty good sign that my HCG is going up. I stayed this way for about 8 wks with Jim, and while I don't look forward to it, I'll take it as a good sign.

*knock on wood*

Funny enough, work kinda sucked today, but all the rest made it quite bearable!

Monday, August 17, 2009

Hoping this graph shows up...

We have Numbers!

489.2  HCG
6.47 Progesterone
We are still in the game!  RE asked that I not change any of my meds. We are set to do a 3rd beta next Monday.
*huge sigh of relief*
I think it's going to be a LONG week!

-- Protect the time and space to carry out your dreams -----


The suspense is killing me.   My tummy hurts, but I don't think it's baby-related, I think it is nerves.  Ugh.
I haven't heard from the RE's office yet - it is 12:39 PM here...  Hurry people!  Don't you know I'm dying here!!


-- Protect the time and space to carry out your dreams -----

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Scared... Sleepless...

I am sitting here thinking, "Why am I so scared?". All the while I am looking at those from the July/August Cyclesistas log to see if others have gotten and been able to keep a BFP this cycle.

I go for my 2nd beta tomorrow. I can feel my veins constricting in fear. I am scared of the results, so scared.

I don't want to go to bed, because as soon as I wake up I'll need to high-tail it down to the RE's office to take the next step. Am I? Am I still? Am I really going to keep this pregnancy? Can you hear me now, baby?

You'd think, since I've been through this before, that I would be cool about tomorrow's test. I don't remember being this nervous before. I'm sure it IS because I know... Catch 22, eh?

I've seen as many stories of happiness as sadness in this month's roll. I've seen the heartache, and those that are still waiting to have their shot at the goal. I wonder where I will be tomorrow...

For what it's worth... I've had a few symptoms here and there, but I don't think they are as strong as they were. I know, doesn't mean a lot. It is just comforting to think there's still a chance, maybe someone's still there... I'll let you all know when I know!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Life and Death, Thoughts of the Day

Today I attended a visitation for a friend, a co-worker, and a great lady. She was my manager at my current job and had been out for a month or more on medical leave.

She had a comparitively rare form of cancer and we thought she was doing well with her treatments. She passed away suddenly on the 11th.

It was quite a shock to all of us at the office. She was someone that everyone respected deeply and wanted to do their best for. She was someone that made you want to always put forth your best game.

The whole office seemed to turn out for her visitation - with her friends and family in attendence it was a big crowd. I brought along my friend DD, as DD had done some interior design work for her - they had really hit it off, so she wanted to give her condolences too.

The visitation made me think of the strangeness of life and death. People were there, walking around, mingling, talking about how much they loved and cared for the deceased. I was too. But, here I am, carrying life. My friend is carrying life too (allthough her's is much more obvious). Between the 2 of us we are carrying 3 new souls through this celebration and ceremonial closing of another's life.

It struck me as a very surreal moment in my life.

I had the hardest time watching the little picture show that was put together about her life. I cried seeing pictures of her as a child with her brothers. I realized that one day, my baby boy's pictures wherein I have so carefully recorded his laughter and milestones will most likely grace a picture show much like this. A picture show where everyone is happy, all the clothes look odd, everyone is healthy and enjoying life. I had to turn away.

How odd it is, to imagine a future... Now that I have my son the variables are too great. Will his pictures include siblings? When will they stop including my parents? My husband? Me?

Yes, I so dearly hope that there is a time, way far away in his life (50 - 60 years or more from now), where he will lay me to rest. I do not want it to be the other way around. The idea alone scares me and causes sleepless nights.

Watching that one little show gave me a glimpse into my baby's mortality, and I guess my own a little. I don't think it is a bad thing - it just made me realize that I should be careful to make good memories, fun pictures, lots of smiling days to capture.


Thursday, August 13, 2009

Survey Says!

We are on our way...

165.7 - Beta
6.76 - Progesterone
312 - Estrogene

Yikes and Wow!

---- Protect the time and space to carry out your dreams -----

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Beta Reminder - FET #1

In case you have forgotten, my beta is tomorrow! *deep breath*

I'm scared about the results. I don't think I was this scared last time.

I think my emotions are all messed up because this time I KNOW what a good beta means AND what a bad beta means. Both options are terrifying.

Don't doubt that I want my beta to be good, and I want it to stay good, and I want to bring home baby! I'm just fearful of all the what-if's between now and then. It is a long, long hard road.

I have been down the "beta looks good ...but isn't" path. That scares me just about as much, as it takes months to get over it and get back to feeling like yourself again. Miscarriages seem to chip away a little part of you every time...

Then there is the negative beta. Ugh. We all know about that one. :(

I can tell you this - I've had slightly sore boobs (mostly shooting pains), crampy pains, twinges of round ligament pain, incredible hunger, and exhastion. Hower, none of these have been with any fervor or lasted very long once they started. So, I'm not going to hold my breath that they are signs to hang my hat on.

So, we'll see. I'll let you all know as I can.

Rain, Leaves, and Little Boys ...Things that Fall

Jim has taken to the idea that he is a big boy - bigger by a couple of inches than he is. I know this in 2 ways:

1) He can't quite comfortably reach a normal stair rail, yet he keeps trying out taking the stairs like a big boy. Twice this month he has fallen down the stairs, while I watched in horror. Can you say slow-mo-fall? I can not only say it, I have nightmares about it. The 2nd time he was left with a swollen and scraped nose, because he tried to catch himself while falling. No, no Jim, roll with it baby!

2) He has started head-butting kids that are bigger than him. Especially when they won't share. I would find this somewhat funny, because damn, it works to get that toy! But, I have been the "big kid" that wouldn't share before - that shit HURTS! OW! He'll do it more than once too, if you are dumb enough not to give him what he wants or move quickly out of forehead range. For the initiated, this can lead to pushing the forehead out of reach, thereby landing baby Jim on his butt, hard. Ow!

So, we are dealing with both issues as best we can. We have started teaching Jim to touch lightly the offending person while saying,"No no insert person's name here!". It results in the cutest little "petting" action, where he lightly strokes your arm/hand/foot and gently chides you - unless you don't immediately comply, which results in a fast and furious head butt or a slap (his alternate form of disciplining bad parents). *sigh*

His teachers have been teaching him "not nice" as a method to communicate his frustration. It sounds like an odd combination of "No, no" and "Night, night", so we were glad to have it explained for us in today's report from daycare. We had been having some confusion over why he wanted to go to bed before 8 o'clock. :)

On the stairs training - he won't do the tummy-thing, I've tried. People keep telling me that is the method he should use, but this boy ain't having it. So, I have been teaching him to bump, bump, on his rump to navigate our huge flight of steep stairs. For 3 days now, since his fall at our friend's house, he has successfully bumped his way downstairs whith the help of Mommy. I figure we'll encourage this for quite a while before we allow him to solo... My goal is that he survive it, should he solo without permission.

Boy, oh, boy, my boy.

Sunday, August 9, 2009


Akeeyu, over at Her Very Own, posted a very important story - please go over and read it.

For all of you who know and love a woman that is wanting to get pregnant and bring home baby - please go over and read it.

Her message isn't about IF, it is about her postpartum struggle and her walk through the 9th level of Hell. She has bared her soul so that women will know about PPP - Post Partum Psychosis and provided links that will help you know the difference between PPP and PPD (Post Partum Depression).

So, why am I all hot on the topic? It is because, while I didn't get as far down the rabbit hole as Akeeyu, I did experience a very bad case of post partum depression. Really, until today, I didn't know how bad it was...

"Why today?", you ask all full of wonder and awe that 1 1/2 years later I'm just figuring it out.

Because, darling, I was reminding hubby of the hard time I had right after Jim was born as a lead-in to telling him how brave and amazing I thought it was that Akeeyu told her story, and he bleated out, "Oh, no, did she hurt her children?".

If you know much about PPP, you would know that this clued me in that he knew a main differentiating symptom of PPP vs. PPD, which is thinking of hurting oneself or the baby. I quickly explained that no, all was well, and that she had asked for help and received it. He was visibly relieved.

Then he said he had been worried about me, and my reaction post-baby. That's why he had understood PPP without much explanation. He did research on what was affecting me!!! Thanks for telling me to seek help, hubby - NOT! Granted, we did discuss it, and I declined help, but MAN push me next time! Or make the Dr's appt for me! :)

As you can imagine, this lead to a long and important discussion about what we would do differently if we manage to bring home another baby.

We also discussed the GAPING hole in post-partum care for the mother. See, baby gets seen by their pediatrician within 2 days of being released from the hospital.

Mommy? When is your checkup? Who's watching to see if you are OK? Ummm...

Bueller? Bueller?

Yep, that's right Mommy - the OB is on call for you, and tou can reach out for help anytime, but your next scheduled appointment isn't for 6 WEEKS!!!


You read it right, 6 WEEKS!

Doesn't that just seem a bit long to you? Yeah, me too...

Hubby and I discussed making stop-gap plans to set up a MANDATORY check-up at 2 to 3 wks post partum with my General Practioner. We will give him pre-baby-arrival instructions to question me about PPD and PPP symptoms, and he is to take evasive action with anti-depressants (or whatever is necessary) and send over a Nanny*.

See Akeeyu, you have already helped someone plan to ask for help ...before they even need it. :)

Thanks again! Really, from the bottom of my and my hubby's hearts.

* Yes, Akeeyu, I think it is a darned good idea! I might just plan to have one on call...

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

On Our Way?

I've been keeping a little something from the bloggy universe... We are "trying again", not as in at-some-point-we-will-start, but as in we went in for our transfer this morning! Yeah, I know, I'm bad because I didn't share. :(

I've told a couple of people recently that we were trying again, and I think I might have blogged about it in my last post, but I haven't felt like making a big production of it.

You see, until this morning, I figured it would all fizzle out. I kept taking my shots, like a good girl, but I didn't expect to get through today with baby-on-board as I had only 1 embryo in the freezer, and there was only a 50/50 chance that it would thaw and survive. However, the embryologist said it was expanding and looking good, which is a HUGE hurdle for an embryo.

We do our beta next Thursday... Not that I really expect anything. Last time we put back 2 and only 1 took, and those were Grade A. This one was a B when it went in, and they didn't grade it when they replaced it today. I'm not sure if that means anything or not, but it doesn't make me feel like dancing.

I've spent the day on the couch - writing emails and napping. I've picked up my son only 1 time, which I was told was allowed as long as I don't "repeatedly lift" anything over 10 lbs.

Jim did not appreciate that I wouldn't pick him up, but he seemed pleased when he was able to climb onto my lap and show me how his Fisher Price farm worked. Hubby has been great... He was there for me this morning, stayed home from work to keep tabs on me, and has graciously done all the heavy lifting, changing, and toting of our prince. We'll just have to refer to the next 10 days as "Daddy bonding time". :)

For now, I guess I'll be doing the slightly-shorter-than-two-weeks wait!

P.S. - I had some sort of negative reaction to the PIO shots this time. Nothing too severe, but I was worried that I might be headed for an allergic reaction. So, my RE gave me VJJay suppositories instead of PIO! Wooo Hooo! I like them, they aren't messy, and they are easy to use. I give it a thumbs up!

Note: this also means I have some extra PIO if anyone is maybe needing to kinda save some money. Not that I would do anything illegal like give it to anyone, but I'm just sayin'...