Tuesday, August 25, 2009

An Interesting Question of Odds

And now, the REST of the story...
Portia asked an interesting question - I guess I didn't deliberate it online, so you guys don't know how agonizing the weeks and months were leading up to our transfer.
Bo and I had been talking since March about a sibling for Jim - that's when our little man turned 1 and we thought he was the most amazing boy to ever walk clumsily across the earth. We thought that maybe we should give him someone to torture/play with besides us.
There were some major dilemmas though, so I'll detail them here for posterity...
1) Fresh vs. Frozen: We had a consult with our RE and were counseled that our best shot at another child would be with a fresh cycle. Hubby and I went over and over the agonizing pros and cons... We were 2 days before starting our cycle before I felt like I'd landed on a choice - that's about 4 months of agonizing, folks!
Frozen - We had one lonely little embryo in the freezer. Chance of surviving thaw = 50/50. If that worked, chance of implantation and PG = ~ 40%. Overall Odds = ~ 20%, given our other obstacles. I would be lying if I didn't say I thought this was the longest shot possible, and I didn't want to do it.
Fresh -  So, fresh was best, but that would possibly lead to more embryos in the freezer. If we got lucky on the 1st shot we might not want to try for a 3rd or 4th, leaving the unused ones stranded on ice. Bo is deeply against this solution for the long term, and now that we KNOW our boy we both have a hard time imagining giving him to someone else. Don'tsend me hate mail - we didn't ever come to a final conclusion on this option - we just appeared to waffle and discuss forever over this topic. Ugh - it was particularly hard to dicuss.
2) Cost - Frozen was waaaaaay less expensive - by about 1/4. We had a little $ left for a fresh cycle, but not enough to even out the costs.

3) My Cycles - after Jim was born I had what appeared to be a "natural" pregnancy and miscarriage - I bled for 3 months almost non-stop. Since then my cycles haven't been completely regular.

4) IF Cycling - I don't guess I realized it at the time, but I was so traumatized by the process of undergoing IVF. I will tell my bloggy friends the utter truth... I did not want to do it again. Ever. My body and mind had been through enough, so I had a very hard time imagining trying again.
In addition to all of this trauma, I still have residual physical issues from some of our cycling-induced complications. By March of this year I felt I really liked having my body back and I did not have a constant countdown of "days until X" in my head. I was also scared to do the PIO again - even though it wasn't so bad in reality. I would physically shake inside at the thought of starting over.
Once we finally met with the RE, in late March, I became a leaf in a river - that is essentially how I delt with planning the cycle we just finished. I floated along, and if a cycle happened, fine - if not, fine. Case in point - I missed a whole month we could have cycled simply because I didn't follow-up on my lack of a period...  I just didn't want to face the music/needles/fear. 
5) Another Baby - Now do know, I am very, very, very happy to be pregnant. I am looking forward to another child, really! However, when you are just past the 1st birthday of your 1st little darling and you are starting to count the months until he's potty trained... The years before he starts elementary school...  How old will I be when he'll start high school ... The milestones for when he'll do so many great things. You kinda ask yourself - do I want to restart that clock in 9 months? Really?
So, that's the recap of a 4 month journey to the cycle that has resulted in our current bump. I am glad we are here. I am scared of the future, and of things going wrong. I'm scared I won't be able to handle 2 kids. I am affraid, but I am hopeful for a good outcome - a happy and healthy 2nd child.


1 comment:

MrsSpock said...

We begin "trying" on Nov 1st, though for us that will mean probably 9 months free of BC, but no temping, no OPKs, no RE. The thought of doing that right now is too painful. I had to wean off my pain meds during the recent Neuro incident, and it was said incident that had me frantic, wondering if I'd die without giving J a sibling.

I don't enjoy pregnancy. I hate the newborn period, and the thought of trying to BF again gives me panic attacks. We are only doing this one more time, and then adopting any subsequent children, so to me, this is a "lets get it over with" kind of thing.

Don't get me wrong, we both very much want another child, but...the extra pain and suffering that comes with it with my body is still a daunting thing. I get it.