Handshakes

Bea over at Infertile Fantasies sparked my interest in finally penning a blog post that's been rolling around in my head. The idea finally took shape, so here goes...

I took Miss M to do a sleep study a few weeks back - she was breathing funny. Not a ha ha kind of funny, unfortunatly.

The technician at the sleep center was extremely easy to get to know, and we shared a lot of ancedotes and personal histories over our few hours of interaction. Somewhere in the night, I'm guessing it was about 3 AM, Miss M lost patience with the test equipment, unwrapped her head, and pulled two of her leads off. It was time to feed her too, so the technician came back in to reattach it to Miss M while I soothed her with a bottle.

Since the re-attaching process takes a while, we talked a bit more about whatever. Something I said about feeding Miss M sparked a question that I thought to ask her about raising her own kids... I was confident she did, given the info she'd shared. So I asked the standard lead-in, "Do you have kids?" And you know what? I saw it... Just a millisecond of emotion crossed her face, but it told her whole story. I immediately felt horrible for asking, damn infertility... I didn't know what story would unfold, if any, but was willing to listen or not, as she chose.

The technician went on to tell me, that she'd adopted 2 wonderful children, and raised them as her own. She'd aparently adopted them after their infancy, so she'd missed out on the basic task I was performing - feeding and holding my infant. She never showed me her pain again - she didn't lament the missed infancy. She was matter-of-fact about it, bright even, and didn't share her story. The instant of pain that crossed her face will likely alway stick with me. It spoke to me, like no words could. The handshake was made, but it left me wishing I could have shared more of my journey with her and visa versa. I think it would have made for a nice evening of sharing with a sister-in-IF.

On the flip-side...

At Jim's daycare Friday, the center director was admiring Miss M, and talking openly about her thoughts on having another child. She's entering 40 this year, and would have to have a tubal reversal to try to conceive naturally. She knows how we had Jim, our nameless angel, and Miss M, so she asked what it was like for us. I was kinda surprised she asked, since another daycare mother was standing with us. I don't care about sharing, but some people are easily shocked...

Before I could answer though, the Director turned to look at Jim and said, "Jim is just so beautiful! And Miss M looks just like him!" To which I laughingly replied, "I have 3 more of him in the freezer if you want'em! Ha!". OMG! Did that just fall out of my mouth? Ha! Yep! I looked quickly at the other daycare Mom... and I saw the knowing look in her eye as she said, "I have one like ____ in the freezer myself!". Handshake offered by accident, and heartily returned.

Maybe she and I will be friends, maybe we won't, but after giving me her ART elevator-pitch she introduced herself, and her daughter. It doesn't change a thing, but it's nice to know.

Sigh... I'm thinking about whether I want to truly jump into the IF support world of Resolve or not. I think if I'd found them while I was still in the trenches I'd have been on that wagon in a heartbeat. Now, I'm not sure. I'm kinda ready to leave it behind a bit. I almost NEED to move on. There are a few friends I've made here that haven't finished their own journies yet. I'm thinking when they are done I'll be done too. I need to see it through for them, to be there to talk, share, support, and comment. Does that make sense? What do you think you'd do?

No Insurance? Really?

I just got a bit of a sucker-punch in the face... my insurance isn't going to cover the cycle we just completed. Seriously.

We verified coverage - 70% COVERED!
Our Dr. office verified coverage - 70% COVERED!.

We were not told about our "lifetime benefit" having been used with this insurance plan until we tried to order meds a few weeks ago. I thought maybe that was just for meds, but it turns out that the "lifetime benefit" isn't insurance plan-based, it is company-based, and it extends across pharmacy AND medicall care.

So, when we verified the coverage why weren't we told about the $10,000 max? The current insurance carrier didn't have the amount "loaded" into their system, so they were showing we'd spent $0 of our lifetime benefit.

So, it looks like we are going to be paying out-of-pocket for the WHOLE cycle! Seriously.

Can you say $21,000 insurance mistake?

I'm really, really, really, really not happy.

Small Response - Big Money

As you can see from the title, We've not been getting the good response we'd hoped for...We only have 7 follies, and we were wanting more like 20. The idea was to do one BIG round and then coast for a few frozen cycles if need be.

I'm not sure if I'll even have anything to transfer - given that 2+ years ago with 13 eggs I only had a 20% fert rate... Makes me very sad, indeed.

I'm not sure when retrieval will be - I think they are going to give me some more time to "grow", since I had several 1.1 to 1.3 size on Sunday. The best guess is trigger Wed night or Thur night. Then I'm not really sure if we'll do a 3 day or 5 day turnaround.

Cycling makes planning for work REALLY fun, huh? I can hear it now, "Hey Boss. I might need Thursday or Friday off for a full day, or maybe work from home. Then I may need all day Monday or Wednesday off, but I'm not sure! Can I get back with you when my Dr. says what the plan is?"

Geesh.

OH - and the "Big Money" part of the title... I just found out that our prescription coverage ran out for fertility meds! YAY!!! I have Rx coverage, but this is considered a "speciality med" so it is under a different plan wherin I've hit the max. We are going to have to pay $ 740 per vial of the Folli.stim (I need 2 additional) and a couple hundred more for the Gani.relix. Trust me when I say I came near crying when I found out.

We have poured so much money down this fertility hole this cycle. I'd feel better if we were seeing a big response, but the low #'s of follies make me feel like I'm wasting money, and LOTS of it. We spent $4000 on the IVF deposit and $2000 on meds so far, now we are adding another $2000 to the meds cost.

$8000 to make 7eggs - and one of those eggs is going to overmature, due to it's large lead on the others. So... 6 eggs for $8000. I know some of you pay more, because you have NO coverage at all, but this is a first for me. I can't imagine how people come up with the $ for full-freight, which I'm guesstimating would have cost us $15000 for the procedure and another $6000+ for meds.

Tell me truly, how do you afford $21,000 for IVF? Really? I don't think we could, so I'm interested in what you've had to do to afford it, or if you have coverage.

Love and hugs to all of you for your support... I've loved getting your comments and the direct notes. Mwah!

Light a Candle...

A candle looses nothing by lighting another candle.
-Erin Majors


The quote speaks to me - it mirrors my opinion on supporting the currently-pregnant people, even when I'm not one of them. I loose nothing in the transaction, other than maybe a little sadness that I'm not there (yet), but I bring light into someone else's life. I do wish I could remember this statment when those 3 PG people* cross into my path. We'd all feel better, I'm sure.

* For those that don't remember, I noted last post that 3 pregnant people I know have have been very hard for me, due to the proximity of their due dates.

Back in the Saddle Soon?

Yes... That's the plan!

I'm supposed to have an SHG (sonohistogram) tomorrow morning. Should be fun! Ugh. I hate these things, but I guess it is what it is.

Starting in Feb, whenever it is I hit CD1, assuming I don't have a cyst, we will do the supression check bloodwork to start IVF #2. I am not really nervous or anxious this time, I'm just ready to begin.

Dr. S is going to try to up my stim response - he wants to try to get more eggs so we'll have a larger crop of eggs to work from, and possibly more blasts to freeze and should we hit a great stim cycle they might be able to freeze some eggs too! With our 1st IVF we had 4 blasts, 2 were used and 2 were frozen. We used the last 2 in FET #1 over the summer.

I'm not positive what the drug name is, but it is something like gan.orelex? I'm going without any BCPs or Lupron - no down-reg. I'm very worried about this idea - cyst is my middle name, you know. If I remember right, every cycle we've monitored Day 3 without BCPs first has resulted in a no-go due to a cyst. I'm not confident it'll be a go, can you tell?

Had chromosome testing on hubby and I - the results came out just fine. We are normal - ha ha ha hah ah, whew! What a good one!

So, I am ready for this next cycle. I am moving forward with the plan.

I am still sore on the inside, as I expected I would be, but it is worse than I expected. Not physically, but mentally. There are 2 ladies that I come into contact with ofthen that are having babies at or around the time I was due. I keep watching them get larger, more round. I can't help but think about my own loss - how I SHOULD look now.

Then, I shake it off. I do NOT wish that I had my little girl instead of them having their babies, so I do NOT wish them ill will. I still believe in my core that someone else having a baby, or not, has nothing to do with my own chances. I want to celebrate their success, but it has been very hard. So, I settle for polite interest, then I get the hell away from them. That's about all I can manage to do right now. Let me be clear - I don't go away and fall to pieces, I just feel so lonely. Like no one would understand the pain, but I know you guys will... so, I thought I'd share, see if I can let some of it free into the ether.

I'm somewhat afraid I'm going to get asked to head-up a baby shower for a guy in my office. His wife is due on the SAME DAY I was due. Everytime he sees me he's friendly, but he also stutters over baby stuff. I think he's not sure if he can tell me about it or not. I'm not sure either - so I have stayed mute on the subject.

I don't know that my issues are obvious to the rest of the world, but until April passes I don't expect to be able to move past this particular greif. I think it is just a little too deep.

So, early Feb... That's our plan.

Miscarriage Truths

Tonight I did some Retail Therapy, which isn't really like me. However, I bought a beautiful asian-themed shirt, some clothes for Jim, and some potential Christmas gifts. Oh, and I bought 20 mini-size pumpkins for our neighborhood's Halloween bash on Friday - I am in charge of helping the kids decorate them. If it doesn't rain it should be a nice time.

I am steadily getting better... I've had a few minor setbacks, but overall I've been making progress.

I keep thinking there are warnings that should have been issued to me when it was found that I had lost the baby. Knowing that these things were coming might have saved me some sanity.

So, here is my list for any of you that are unfortunate enough to have to travel this road. And, any that have already travelled it - feel free to add to my list!!!

1. Your husband/SO may need to see the doctor's report, or ultrasound, to feel sure that the baby has died - he needs closure just like you. Be sure you as your Dr. to try to accomidate him.
2. Once the initial shock has worn off you will find that grief comes in waves. Much like the ocean tides, they can be 2 inches to 20 feet.
3. Grief waves will hit you when you least expect it. Especially when it is inconvient to be seen crying.
4. It is VERY LIKELY that you will occasionally forget that you are no longer pregnant. Remembering may bring you crashing down. This is normal. The frequency and severity of these episodes will decrease over time.
5. Your husband/SO may not want to talk about it. Or he may want to drown you in his thoughts. It was his baby too - try to be supportive. If you can't be there for him, try and be up front about it, maybe ask to wait until another time to talk (not too far in the future).
6. The shifting of your uterus back to its former size/position feels VERY MUCH like a baby moving and kicking. This sensation may cause you to forget momentarily, which will cost you some added hearache.
7. People will say the wrong thing... You should plan for this and try to have a "get out of jail free" line to offer them. That is, unless you want to claw that person's eyes out - then you can feel free to let them have it.
8. You will want to scream, cry, and tear your hair for want of your baby back - this is normal. This might last for a few days or weeks - that is normal too.
9. Your parents are coming to grips with loosing their Grandchild. Don't forget this...
10. You will realize eventually that you will never get back the time you spent trying to have this child. For those with infertility, you will cry when you count the # of months that equals.
11. "What's next?", is a question you will repeatedly ask yourself. For your body and RE that answer is at least 3 months away. You may find that a rough sketch of your plans will help you put these questions to rest for a short time.
12. IF you don't want to open cards from your family/friends you don't have to. Really.
13. Get out of the house as soon as you can after your miscarriage - home needs to be a sanctuary, but not a cave to hide in.
14. Knowing the reason your baby died can lighten your burden, but it won't stop the "What if's".
15. Wearing your pre-pregnancy jeans will happen faster than you think - discovering this will not be a pleasant and happy moment.

Maybe this list can help someone who is greiving. At a minimun, it has helped me get the close-following demons out of my head for now. Well, at least for the moment.

Ticker Troubles...

Ladies, I was just doing some "Spring Cleaning" on my blog template. Let me tell you, tickers cute and make you feel so warm and fuzzy to look at, but they are Bad, BAD, BAD when you forget to remove them.

I just found the pregnancy ticker, still at the bottom of my blog, from my twin ectopic pregnancy back in February. I would have been 16 wks 6 days pregnant today.

After a moment of remembrance, and saddness I removed it.

I am not gonna cry, but I feel a bit deflated. Why is it that IF is always the pin cushion to my balloon?

*sigh*

On a lighter note...
I've asked and he answered! :) Thanks Reproductive Jeans for the Hubby Pop Quiz!!! Laugh with me, as we read the answers!

AF – Assisted Fertility (or Ass Fucker, what you call RE when they hurt the wife)
IVF – In-Vitro Fertilization
IUI – Intra-Uterine Insemination
IF – Infertility
PG – Progesterone
TTC – Too Too Cool (well, it USED to be cool!)
DPO – Don't Piss Off
BFP – Big F'ing Pregnancy
BFN – Big F'ing Nothing
POAS – Papal Overachiever Syndrome (um, not sure what this meant)
OPT – Online Pregnancy Test (ha ha ha)
CD – Compact Dick
BD – Big Deal

Love my hubby - he's so creative. He admited he didn't know the acronyms used in our posts, but he did know all of the ones used in our RE's lingo and literature. So, I'll give him some extra credit for lack of exposure. :)

IVF Consult with RE!!!

Well, Ladies it looks like we have started tickling the dragons tail in earnest now. :)

Hubby and I went in yesterday for our first IVF consultation, where we got our protocol schedule and went over the medications regime. I must say, I am a little scared!!!

At one point in the schedule I will be taking 3 shots per day plus antibiotics and Estr.adiol and an ultrasound! It looks like a laundry list when you write out the to-do's per day! Man, I had noooo idea what you ladies were going through!!

Then, of course, there are the PIO shots that start on transfer day - whoopie! I can't wait, based on what all of you have been telling me it will be a joy and a half. :)

I'm scared, I'm nervous, and I'm ready to get the show on the road. How is it possible to have all 3 feelings at one time?? Not sure, but it makes for a fun time! :P

The RE and Hubby and I talked about what made us move on to IVF. I told my RE in no uncertain terms that I AM TIRED of doing all this IF stuff. If I knew that this will not work I would adopt a child, and be a loving mother. That every month we waste on IF is one more month I don't get to spend with my children. RE seemed to understand this idea...

Hubby told him that he had moved into the IVF camp when he realized the threat of another ectopic was so high, and that he might be needlessly upping the % risk and endangering my life to have a child. RE seemed to understand this idea too...

By the way, during the visit I told my RE that some of my questions came from my blogging friends' experiences... He sat back and said that I needed to get my information "straight from the horses mouth rather than from fanatics..." and then expressed concerns that I was becoming a fanatic myself. I got angry, I'm sure he saw it on my face and heard it in my voice...

I made it very clear to him that getting the information I need to feel secure in my decisions is my method. I explained that some of my information comes from medical journals, white papers, and even his own company's published reports and statistics. Also, that I get information from women that are going through what I am and that IS getting it "straight from the horses mouth", as these women's experiences are real world.

We sat calmly for a moment after this... I would say it went rather well. :)

He seems to understand that I WILL know what is going on, I WILL ask questions, I WILL decide what does and does not work for me. He doesn't like it, but I guess I'm not paying for him to be my best friend, just my best General in this fight against IF.

Onward and upward we go!

Fertility Reminders Are Everywhere!!!

Baby Blues blogged news to me, Shrek now has kids (in the Movie Shrek III). It is interesting to see the responses to her post, because [some] people are being tounge-in-cheek frustrated that Shrek seems to have followed what might be called the "natural path" of meet someone, fall in love, get married, kids (in that order). Others are intrigued that the above path is considered natural, like any other path would be unnatural.

I love applying the real world to our fairy tales - the results of which are always an interesting study of people. I'll tell you what comes to my mind first when I think about Shrek - Mrs. Shrek, Princess Fiona IS NOT SKINNY!!!!

Most of you have not seen me before, so it isn't evident that I am very far from being skinny (but oh how I try).

I love it that some company out there realized that Fiona didn't have to be pencil-thin, white, and princess "beautiful" to be loved (although she started that way). They also gave her a REAL attitude - which I think is completely kick-butt. This chick is more like me - strong, independent, overweight, beautiful and very lovable. I love Fiona - you go girl!!!

About Fiona and Shrek's children (triplets) I am very happy to see the larger character is able to have a family. I think a lot of people assume that if you are fat you cannot have kids. Well, maybe it is less likely for various reasons, but it certainly isn't impossible!!!

I happen to have a motto about other people's fertility successes, "As long as they are still making babies I have a chance to get one!". It keeps me sane, and gives me something non-snarky to say when someone is worried about how I will feel about others' successes.

I can't wait to see the movie!!! GOOooooo FIONA!!!!

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IVF Update:

Made an appointment with the RE for Friday to go over our IVF protocol. Also scheduled a cyst check for Monday, if it is good then we are moving forward!!! :)

note: I edited the post a bit... It originally seemed that I was making statements about other people's comments. That wasn't the intent - just noticing that the story provoked interesting comments. :)

Mom's Strawberry Pie...

Do any of you ever do this??? You CRAVE something your Mom makes, and you just cannot get it anywhere but her kitchen?? I do, and it is a 5 hour drive to get what I am craving. Lately, it has been my mom's strawberry pie!

I went to visit my parents this weekend for Mother's Day, and I got to hang out with them - just me, no hubby or siblings in site for 90% of the weekend.

Sadly, the whole weekend I kept thinking someone was going to try to "recognize my IF efforts" this past year with a "not-a-mom-yet" present. Some may feel this would be a good idea, but for me it would have been very sad and quite embarrassing. No judgements here, just my own feelings on the subject. I am not one that likes to be "called out" for stuff, it makes me uncomfortable.

My family seems to have read me right - they didn't do anything to acknowledge our IF troubles or loss. They just let it pass quietly. I like it that way.

On a lighter note... I participated in the Garden Tour my mother was presiding over. She is the president of a library board in her city, and they had a garden tour on Saturday. It was a LOT of fun, and I met some really great friends of my mother. I like knowing that she has good friends surrounding her. I have always hated being so far away!! (We are in separate states, 5 hrs apart).

One of the ladies I met on the tour - we'll call her "J" - was ultra-nice and we struck up a friendship. She is the owner of one of the gardens on the tour.

She saw the pendant I was wearing and was very intrigued about its creation. I used to draw trees as a child, and sometimes I still doodle one when I'm bored. Well, when I needed an object to decorate my current pendant silversmith project I chose to use one of my trees. The effect is quite beautiful, if I do say so myself.

J paints, she is a master artist, but has trouble creating realistic-looking trees. So, we struck up a conversation, which lead to a short studio-tour in her multi-million-dollar lake mansion! I was wowed! This woman is an amazing artist, and her home showcases it beautifully.

We talked over tree forms, habits, and growth patterns. She got a primer in my method of tree creation and I got to enjoy a master's art up close, in her home. It seemed we both enjoyed the chat, which became a whole-house tour. I am in awe, still!

Well, after the garden tour, my mother and I returned home and I made from-scratch Mom's Strawberry Pie!!!! I put the words in capital letters because they aren't just run-of-the mill pies. These are made with real crust, real strawberries, real sugar, real jello (mixed with secret ingredients) and real whipped topping!!!! They are Mom's Strawberry Pie!!!! These are the stuff that dreams are made of!!!!

All-in-all it was a very rewarding (pie) and fun-filled weekend.

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Update from previous post...

- I am taking the BCPs

- Hubby is closer to deciding that we should do IVF. He says he pretty much just wants to have a conversation with me and Dr. about the specifics - # of eggs retrieved, embryos created, transferred, and especially frozen.

- I have my authorization from the insurance company.

- We are set to do a day-19 cyst check. If that comes back good we will have the big conversation, and probably start! On my!

PCOS Strikes AGAIN!!!!

Well, Aunt Flo did not do me any favors by coming to visit, because she brought her dog Cyst with her. He peed on my carpet and ate my best shoes!!!!

Per the ultrasound, PCOS has made this month a no-go with a 3 cm cyst. I think I'm numb at this point... I keep feeling the need to cry about it, but I can't work up the energy to cry.

I have a full work day ahead of me today, including a huge senior management meeting, and I just want to go home instead. I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!

Oh, well, c'est la vie, eh?

So, the RE's office gave me 3 wks of birth control pills, and told me we COULD still do an IVF cycle if we wanted to start that this month. I would take the BCPs for 3 weeks and come in for a cyst check about day 18, then assuming the cyst was gone, I would start on Lu.pron on day 21.

They said the cyst should resolve quickly with the BCPs so there should be no issue with starting IVF.

Problem: Hubby doesn't really want to do IVF unless we really, really, really have to. He is certainly not prepared to start doing IVF this month. So, we are going to have a really uncomfortable conversation today.

I'm torn... Do I just wait for next cycle and stick to the IUI plan? Or, do I push to move to IVF because I REALLY need to get off the child-making ride ASAP?

I don't know... I really don't know... I will keep you all posted as the saga unfolds...

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Update: I gave hubby a 10 min update during the day today. He seemed open to moving forward with the IVF potentially. There was no crying involved, I am so proud of me! He wants to talk more tonight, but understands that the health risk of IUI is really high already (10-15% chance of another ectopic) and maybe this is Fate's way of directing us down the IVF path.

"Why Me?" or "Whine, Me?"

OK, I just got hard news... Two ladies in my neighborhood are due with their 2nd children this summer. The total will equal 11 to 15 children that have been born to the 50 houses in my neighborhood since I started trying. That is a 1 in 5 chance that a house you visit will contain a newborn - 3 yr old. These specific women are each on their 2nd child during the time it has taken me to fail to have 1 child.

It makes me want to cry... It makes me want to scream and throw at tantrum and refuse to try any longer... It makes me want to find a small hole in the ground and crawl into it. It makes me want to scream "WHY ME???????" or "Where is my child?????" and my favorite "Why do I deserve this???"

Then, when I really look at what has transpired in my life and that of my friends I feel silly for being so dramatic. I have had 2 relatively OK miscarriages (by this I mean no major drama, just sadness) and 1 real emergency ectopic. That is not bad for 3 years of trying.

- One of my friends, in this same time period, has had 3 2nd-trimester miscarriages, complete with the drama of DCs and/or delivering the child naturally but stillborn.

- One of my friends has a child, but is coming to terms that she will NEVER have another. High blood pressure spikes and 2 miscarriages and have just about convinced her to quit forever.

- Many of my blog-friends have never achieved pregnancy at all. They have fought and labored to never have achieved those coveted HPT lines.

- Many of my blog-friends have been through horrible repeated losses, which I will resist recapping here, as we all know the stories.

OK, so sure I can cry, whine and complain every time someone else has joyful news, but what is the benefit? What will it bring me to scream? Will it improve my chances of a healthy pregnancy? No, of course not, but it may decrease the chances by making me be bitter or maybe start avoiding treatments. In addition, it will make me sound petty and childish to those that have had so much worse to live through.

So, what do I do to move forward? I think I will try to keep my IF troubles in perspective....

My life is OK, my health is OK, my world will continue to exist if I never have a child. I am not be happy that life/fate is not following my plans, but I will most likely survive it. I may eventually actually attain my goal, who knows.

For now, I am going to TRY to focus on those things that will help me attain my goal. Go ME!

Whew, this whole experience is just exhausting....

I've Had Me Some FUN!!!!

Well ladies, for the last few days I have done nothing but what I wanted to... I have been the anti-pregnant lady!!

Here's a small list of the things I have done:
- I skipped prenatal vitamins
- Ate dark chocolate like it was going out of style
- Drank 4 wine coolers (Parrot Bay)
- Stayed up late
- Ate pizza twice
- Ate real Mac and Cheese (a weakness of mine)
- Changed the cat box and cleaned the floor under it (Eewwwww!)

I've been living it up - with the exception of the cat box of course! :)

Anyone Got A Fork Handy???

Anyone got a fork handy??? I think I'm almost done....

- - - - - WARNING - - - - - PITTY PARTY BELOW - - - - -

I got the bad news tonight that Aunt Flow is here for a visit, she showed up today with her bags in hand. No warning, just showed up on my doorstep 3 days early.

I just want to crawl into bed and cry for a few days. I sure wish I could take the time for it. However, we have plans this weekend for every day but Sunday. I really don't feel up to being social... I know it will be good for me...

I just don't understand what is wrong... Why? Why can't we can't we have children?? What in world is the reasoning behind it? I just want to SCREEEEEEAM!!!!!!!

I don't think I have the gumption to do this... I think it is too much to ask that I get my heart broken every 28 days.

The reality is that I just feel beat down, overworked, stressed out, fat and getting fatter, under appreciated and I don't feel good about being me. I just wanna go home to Mom and have her make it all better, but I know I can't do that either.

I sure hope someone else finds that baby-dust fairy this month... Once you are done celebrating your joy, kick her in the ass for me, huh? Tell her I'm sick and tired of patiently waiting my turn only to have my heart broken into itty bitty bits.

Can one of you get me an extra-large box of Kleenex while you are out?? I've been going through too many lately to mess with these little square boxes.

My Mom always tells me, "Life isn't fair". Why the hell didn't she tell me the truth of it, "Life sucks".

Fucking Period - Fucking Crying - Fucking Shots - Fucking Heartbreak - Fucking Hate This!!!

Another 2WW Update...

I realized I didn't answer an important question in my last post - WHEN DO I TEST???

Sorry about that... I test this Sunday. I must say, for once I'm not looking forward to it. This cycle is scary because I am nearing the end of my TTC rope, and not sure what happens if I let go of it.

Right now, it looks like hubby and I will go for 2 more rounds of Follistim, at the most. After that we may have another discussion about IVF or we may start looking for a child to adopt. Not sure right now, but we know we are not going to do IF treatments indefinitely.

So, I'm not looking forward to this weekend. I'm not optimistic about it. I think it is just going to be more sadness, maybe more like a letdown.

Sorry for all the Eeyore pessimism, but that's how I feel at the moment.

Dawn

O - Ouch - Ouch - Ouch - Ouch - Oh Ouch!

Last night I decided this has to be the last round, 'cause that F'ing hurt! Tell me ladies, has this ever happened to you??

You're wondering what, right?

Well, either I ovulated or someone snuck in and ripped out my ovaries while I was napping.

I am one of those lucky people that can feel ovulation. If you can't, consider yourself pretty lucky. Typically it is just uncomfortable for a few hours, then it suddenly hurts in sharp pangs for about 30 mins, then I am fine. Sometimes I don't feel it at all...

Last night was the exception to beat all exceptions!!!

About 5 PM I started having the uncomfortable O feelings - sort-of felt bloated and such.

By 7 PM I was having very strong pangs and they kept getting stronger and more insistent.

I was watching the SuperBowl, so I was able to distract myself from some of the pain. However, when I got up for a bio break I found that I could barely walk because I was in such pain!

By 8:30 PM I was in such pain that I was wincing and moaning during the worst of it. A couple of times I thought I was going to burst into tears. Sweet hubby decided we needed to go to the emergency room... Instead I had him go upstairs and get my Tylenol for me, in the vain hope that it would help with the pain. NOT!

By the time we got into bed (about 10:30) I was starting to feel better - the pain was mostly gone, but the area around each of my ovaries was very tender.

I was dreading today... The good news is that I am only slightly uncomfortable, none of the real pain has remain. Whew!

On we go!

No News Is....

No news is... never good when we are talking about IF.

So, sorry I didn't post my results last night like I said I would. I decided to take up an offer from friends to have a girls' pizza party and IF bitch session. It was VERY helpful to talk to two ladies that know what IF is like - their son B, the product of an IUI is now my team mascot! He's my guiding light. Thank you S & S for being there for me - it means the world!!!

As you can guess - the beta test showed a BFN. You KNOW what the next question from the RE's office is, right, "So, are you ready to start your next cycle today?".

GRRRRRRRrrrrrrrr.... I had forgotten that I needed to start again NOW to avoid loosing a month!

I want time to grieve... I want time to rest... I want to be done with this whole mess... And yet, I want a baby too.

The need for baby won out.

I went back to the RE's office today for a baseline US and we are going to start Follistim tonight - 300 units.

Here we go again!!!!

Please stay seated and keep your hands inside the car at all times. Hold on to all loose articles such as hats, glasses and your mind....

Let's Ride The Cyclone!!!!

Please stay seated and keep your hands inside the car at all times. Hold on to all loose articles such as hats, glasses and your mind. DO NOT retrieve lost articles from rides without help from the attendant. Remember, please stay seated until ride comes to a final stop at unloading point and you have been instructed to exit the vehicle. If ride stops before the unloading point, remain seated; wait for ride to restart or for further instruction from the operator.

Click... Clack... Click..Clack..Click..Clack.click-click-click-click-click-click - Put your arms up, here we go!!! Yikes, don't look down!!

My damned AF showed up last night, and boy is she angry with me! She kicked me in the stomach all night, so today I feel like the walking dead.

I went to the RE today, and told them what was going on - they think it may be a miscarriage of a chemical pregnancy, with the way I'm bleeding and the amount of pain I was having. We'll see I guess...

They will get the beta results back to me this afternoon. We will decide then whether it is or is not an issue, and whether we get to try again this month or have to wait for the HCG to "clear".

OK - put those hands in the air ladies and say it with me ladies -- 1 -- 2 -- 3 -- Weeeeeelllll Fuuuuuuuuuck!!!

This is the new mantra I'm going to use on the way down a hill...

The awful truth... Or, To tell or not to tell?

This is a very long post - so I won't be offended if you do not hang in until the end.

Below are some venting thoughts and questions I needed to get out into the light so I can examine them a little closer... Some of them may be inflammatory, some are going to make you want to tell me why my ideas wouldn't work for you. I want you to know up front that I am simply stating how I see the world and what I would wish for the infertility community I have become a part of. I welcome stories and comments with open arms...

Over the last few days I have been reading through many, many blogs - through the use of Julie's Big List. I am amazed at the number of people out there that have similar or worse TTC stories. Oh My GOSH! F*%K!

Was I really that blind going into this thing?? Was I really that clueless about the breadth and depth of the infertility issue? Was everyone else in on the joke but me? Or is it that people just don't talk about their infertility trials and losses as part of their daily lives?

I am guessing it is the latter... Otherwise, how is it that there are this many woman having this kind of trouble and yet there is sooo little information about it in our daily non-internet world.

Now that I am part of this community, I think it is because it is somehow taboo, or a "no-no" for women/men to have fertility issues. It is taboo to talk about the feelings, frustrations, and trials over becoming pregnant through something other than the "Baby Dance".

For example, The lady sitting across from me at the office - while I don't actually like her, and wouldn't think she would share personal info with me - was TTC for who-knows-how-long and none of us, not even her closest office friends, knew until she became pregnant with twins through IVF. She told no one of her success until she was 3 months along. The sad news is that she soon lost the twins after having told everyone she was pregnant. It left all of us unsure what to say, what to do... She was so sad and so angry at the world, and none of us knew how to handle it!

How is it that a large group of intelligent people can't decide how to handle this loss? From what I am reading in the infertility community, this kind of loss is something that appears to be pretty common, all things considered.

So, how is it that we have no knowledge of how deal with this properly?

I mean really - you know what do to when your friend's brother, sister or uncle dies - you send flowers, food and comfort! You express your condolences - you know how to do that! What do you do for a miscarriage?? What should you say??

Why is this still an uncomfortable thing to deal with?

I think some of it comes from the secret of procreation. No, I don't think tales of sexual adventures are part of your work life. But, when you are going through something really difficult in life, like a loss of a loved one, it is very likely you will tell a few of your closest associates. Why should this be different? Why is it taboo to have trouble in the procreation area?

Have you done something wrong? Did you secretly wish the child/children would not be born? Did you commit some sin? Do you deserve to be an outcast, unable to express your sadness over your loss? Is this the middle ages where you, as the woman, MUST have done something wrong, something to deserve God's wrath?

No -- No -- NO! it is NOT any of these things....

So why don't we start telling our stories openly... Let's heal the wounds and find support in our network of friends and family.

For myself.... I am sharing my story with a few very close female colleagues. I figure if there is the likelihood that I am going to break-out with a crying jag over finding out someone else is pregnant in our office, or if I'm going to be a T-Total Bitch on the Clomid or Follestim (I wasn't, but oh the stories I've heard/read) I want my posse of females that like me to be there to support me - and tell all those non-informed that I am not really that bad, that I am just "going through a rough time at home".

I want some support damn-it!

Actually, I want people to know some important things...

• That we have had 2 miscarriages, we have cried over them both, yet we do our best to maintain the hope of a baby in our future.
• All the bruising on my hands is not because I am a drug addict and those are not "drug tracks" up my arms. LOL
• How f*%king hard I am trying to have my own little bundle of joy.
• That I am the biggest cheerleader for pregnant women because it gives me hope that I will one day be there too.
• That I am terribly jealous of those same women (especially the ones that are set to deliver in the month I would have) - I wanted to be there too.
• That I am stronger than I look.
• That I need their support and understanding.
• That I want to be a Mom, and saying "You're young, you still have time." may be the cruelest words in the English language. They may have even lead me to this point - because I thought I had plenty of time - so I played around and didn't get serious when I should have!
• That I DO NOT blame myself or my husband for having infertility problems.
• That we did nothing to deserve this.

Well time to get off that line of thinking... I'm starting to cry. I want so much for the world to understand what it is like - how hard it is. They would probably have a WVHBM Day (Working Very Hard to Become a Mother).

Even my doctor needs to understand more about this community. He had the nerve to tell me - "You have plenty of rungs to go on the ladder, you are nowhere near the top!". He was referring to the types of procedures we can do to get me pregnant. To which I replied, "I'm not going to make it to the top, I'm already tired!". He doesn't understand how grueling it is to undergo daily shots - watch every morsel of food or drink - get your blood drawn and an US almost daily for 2 weeks every month- how you try not to get your hopes up - the dreaded 2 WW followed by the BFFN.

HOW CAN HE NOT UNDERSTAND??? It is because he hasn't had to do it - I'm sure.

OK - those are my thoughts for the day. Cheery, I know.

Funny thing is, last night hubby asked me if I wanted him to read my blog or not. I answered that I didn't so much, because I didn't want him to censure me. So much for wanting to express myself honestly and openly huh? Actually though, I do talk with him almost daily on the subject, so he really does know how I feel. :)