Tuesday, May 8, 2007

"Why Me?" or "Whine, Me?"

OK, I just got hard news... Two ladies in my neighborhood are due with their 2nd children this summer. The total will equal 11 to 15 children that have been born to the 50 houses in my neighborhood since I started trying. That is a 1 in 5 chance that a house you visit will contain a newborn - 3 yr old. These specific women are each on their 2nd child during the time it has taken me to fail to have 1 child.

It makes me want to cry... It makes me want to scream and throw at tantrum and refuse to try any longer... It makes me want to find a small hole in the ground and crawl into it. It makes me want to scream "WHY ME???????" or "Where is my child?????" and my favorite "Why do I deserve this???"

Then, when I really look at what has transpired in my life and that of my friends I feel silly for being so dramatic. I have had 2 relatively OK miscarriages (by this I mean no major drama, just sadness) and 1 real emergency ectopic. That is not bad for 3 years of trying.

- One of my friends, in this same time period, has had 3 2nd-trimester miscarriages, complete with the drama of DCs and/or delivering the child naturally but stillborn.

- One of my friends has a child, but is coming to terms that she will NEVER have another. High blood pressure spikes and 2 miscarriages and have just about convinced her to quit forever.

- Many of my blog-friends have never achieved pregnancy at all. They have fought and labored to never have achieved those coveted HPT lines.

- Many of my blog-friends have been through horrible repeated losses, which I will resist recapping here, as we all know the stories.

OK, so sure I can cry, whine and complain every time someone else has joyful news, but what is the benefit? What will it bring me to scream? Will it improve my chances of a healthy pregnancy? No, of course not, but it may decrease the chances by making me be bitter or maybe start avoiding treatments. In addition, it will make me sound petty and childish to those that have had so much worse to live through.

So, what do I do to move forward? I think I will try to keep my IF troubles in perspective....

My life is OK, my health is OK, my world will continue to exist if I never have a child. I am not be happy that life/fate is not following my plans, but I will most likely survive it. I may eventually actually attain my goal, who knows.

For now, I am going to TRY to focus on those things that will help me attain my goal. Go ME!

Whew, this whole experience is just exhausting....


Trying to convince my uterus to co-operate said...

I concur. Go You! Go Us! IF sucks but we can't let it define us. Maybe we need to be sure to find one thing positive to focus on per day or week or something. For today mine is that I woke up breathing. :) Best of luck.

Samantha said...

I'm sorry. We've all been there, with the "Why me?" indeed.

Susan said...

Yes, GO YOU! We're rooting for you too.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

Keeping things in things in perspective can be really difficult with IF. Good luck!

hopeful to hateful in 28 days said...

I hear that! This is exhausting. Its ok to feel jealous and mad as hell. You deserve this as much as any of those women in your neighborhood!