Tuesday, January 30, 2007

CD 7 - All IS Well? Hmmm....

Went in today and had a CD 7 Ultrasound and blood draw. :) No, there were no issues with the blood draw. :) I am on Follistim 300 units per day.

They found I had 4 good follicles on the right! :) Whoo hoo! None on the left. :(

Typically, I have 1-2 follicles on the left - not sure why, just usually on the left. So, having more follicles is great!!! :) Who knows if having them be on the right is a good or not. :

I'm going to hope it is a sign of good things to come.... :)

Monday, January 29, 2007

Spearing Olives... Part 2

Fair Warning... If you are squeamish about blood DO NOT READ THIS POST!!!!

Per my previous post re: the new blood-draw lady being Satan incarnate...

All you ladies out there have given me something very important - the gumption to stand up to protocol. :)

You see, I was scheduled for CD4 blood work for monitoring of my Follistim reaction, and it fell on the weekend. That's when Satan Blood Lady works. You could say I was NOT looking forward to the blood draw. Can't imagine why...

I am normally a very strong person - very little makes me scared, but I was literally trembling with fear when I peeked into the blood draw station and that woman standing there - I could see the horns poking through her hair and my blood began to curdle. I could literally feel my veins looking for somewhere to hide.

I decided in the car before coming into the office that I would simply leave if my only choice was Satan-lady. Yep, I was really going to risk giving up a whole cycle to avoid her - she's that bad - and I'm that strong in my conviction.

I quickly darted away from the door, but not quick enough, Damn!

She saw me, and gave a nice "Hello!" I totally acted like I had not heard her. I went very quickly back to the front desk and explained that the current nurse on duty in the blood work lab could not draw my blood; I think I actually called her "Satan incarnate with a needle".

The desk lady was a hoot - she barely even flinched before launching into action. She acted all conspiratory and told me the weekend phlebotomist was new, so she didn't' know her track record. She suggested I have a seat out of sight and she would get the head nurse.

It took only a moment, and a very nice, very down-to-business lady, we'll call her Blondie came out to take care of me. I explained that I didn't want a confrontation, but Satan-lady was not allowed to touch me.

Blondie is strong I tell ya! She walked VERY purposefully to the blood work lab, sat me in a chair, and handed me the necessary forms. Then, she turns to Satan-lady and say "Hi, I'm Blondie, don't believe we've met - I'm the head nurse.".

BAM! BLAM! She's like Batman coming to my rescue... No confrontation, no argument, no questions. It was marvelous!!!

AND she's good! She got me on the 1st try! She's an Angel. I was literally floating on clouds when I left.

I avoided Satan, got only one stick, and still met protocol. Damn, I'm good!!!!

I love it when a plan comes together...

Update to this post... Kathy left a comment, and rightly so, that a nurse and phlebotomist are not the same thing. I have to admit, I did not give the difference one though while I was writing. She is absolutely correct. Added to that, I am not really sure if Satan-lady is a phlebotomist or a nurse - I never asked her. Granted, I was trying to pass out (to get away from the situation) so I wasn't inquiring into her credentials, but it was insensitive of me not to realize and take into account that there is a difference. Thanks, Kathy!!!!

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Spearing Olives...

Fair Warning... If you are squeamish about blood DO NOT READ THIS POST!!!!

The new blood-draw lady at my RE's office is Satan incarnate! She has this weird technique thing she does, and it hurts like a beeyach.

She holds the needle all weird and jabs it into your arm like she is trying to spear an olive. Not the top olive either - the next-to-the-last-one olive, that won't stay still. OMG!!!! THEN, to make it all WORSE she digs and digs and digs. She is, of course, no where near a vein, because they all ran and hid when they saw that super-sonic needle flying at them. I mean really... who doesn't know that you have to slowly and quietly sneak up on these wiley veins?

Let's just say the first few sticks were shocking - yeah, I said "First Few", read it and weep for me! I kept thinking - This can't be right, it just can't be. Oh yeah, it was (at least for her)!

On top of this "technique", this woman took 7 tries to get the person before me, and 5 tries to get mine!!!!! Oh my word!

I really, seriously considered passing out a good escape option. I tried crawling out of the chair, but she was bigger than me.

Yah - I did report the issue, but I'm not sure anything will be done about it. I know they heard me though because my RE nurse told me she thought another patient had complained about the same phlebotomist. She told me the story, and I confirmed it... The lady had compared the digging in her arm to having liposuction! Yep - same woman, such a great description of the digging that it gave me flashbacks!


Thursday, January 25, 2007

No News Is....

No news is... never good when we are talking about IF.

So, sorry I didn't post my results last night like I said I would. I decided to take up an offer from friends to have a girls' pizza party and IF bitch session. It was VERY helpful to talk to two ladies that know what IF is like - their son B, the product of an IUI is now my team mascot! He's my guiding light. Thank you S & S for being there for me - it means the world!!!

As you can guess - the beta test showed a BFN. You KNOW what the next question from the RE's office is, right, "So, are you ready to start your next cycle today?".

GRRRRRRRrrrrrrrr.... I had forgotten that I needed to start again NOW to avoid loosing a month!

I want time to grieve... I want time to rest... I want to be done with this whole mess... And yet, I want a baby too.

The need for baby won out.

I went back to the RE's office today for a baseline US and we are going to start Follistim tonight - 300 units.

Here we go again!!!!

Please stay seated and keep your hands inside the car at all times. Hold on to all loose articles such as hats, glasses and your mind....

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Let's Ride The Cyclone!!!!

Please stay seated and keep your hands inside the car at all times. Hold on to all loose articles such as hats, glasses and your mind. DO NOT retrieve lost articles from rides without help from the attendant. Remember, please stay seated until ride comes to a final stop at unloading point and you have been instructed to exit the vehicle. If ride stops before the unloading point, remain seated; wait for ride to restart or for further instruction from the operator.

Click... Clack... Click..Clack..Click..Clack.click-click-click-click-click-click - Put your arms up, here we go!!! Yikes, don't look down!!

My damned AF showed up last night, and boy is she angry with me! She kicked me in the stomach all night, so today I feel like the walking dead.

I went to the RE today, and told them what was going on - they think it may be a miscarriage of a chemical pregnancy, with the way I'm bleeding and the amount of pain I was having. We'll see I guess...

They will get the beta results back to me this afternoon. We will decide then whether it is or is not an issue, and whether we get to try again this month or have to wait for the HCG to "clear".

OK - put those hands in the air ladies and say it with me ladies -- 1 -- 2 -- 3 -- Weeeeeelllll Fuuuuuuuuuck!!!

This is the new mantra I'm going to use on the way down a hill...

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

BFN? Cyst Rupture? BFP? Taking Bets Here!

Well, with all that is going on I couldn't resist... I'm 12 days into my 2ww and I tested this morning... BFN.

Let's just say I was pretty optimistic that I would see two lines with all the boob pain I was having. I think this morning I broke the world-record for toilet-sitting with no reading taking place.

I also realized my boobs had stopped hurting. Can you say "Well, fuck"?
Try it with me ladies 1 --- 2 ----- 3----WELL, FUCK!!!

I called the RE, they asked me to come in tomorrow for a Beta. They said that those kinds of pains/symptoms (other than the boob pain) is probably pointing to a cyst rupturing.

I haven't had a cyst rupture before, and it sounds about right that I would be nauseous. So I'm going with it as a good possibility. They said I could still be pregnant, but a HPT might not register this early on.

I'm not really hopeful at this point, just resolved to try again. Depending on the results I may ask hubby about switching to the big guns - IVF.

I'll let you ladies know as soon as I know something!

Monday, January 22, 2007

What's That Sign Say???

Warning: Below is the goings-on of a crazy woman, don't let her get to you... Pessimism abounds in this post...

Throwing this out there, cause I'm frustrated and scared and tired... For now though, I'm gonna put my troubles here, cause that's what this site is about, right?

I am today at day 10, after an IUI, and I'm feeling some weird stuff. Gonna call the RE's office tomorrow - don't worry.

Friday: Started feeling like my boobs were sore - not too sore, just wore the wrong bra for too long kinda sore.

Saturday: My boobs were sore - not too sore, just ran into a doorjamb with one kinda sore.

Sunday: My boobs were sore - every few minutes had to wonder if hubby had been beating me up while I slept kinda sore! On top of that had some light cramping, and felt like I had a cyst on my ovary (yeah, I can feel those suckers every time - ouch). I have PCOS and have come to learn what a cyst feels like very intimately -- I think I freak out the US tech with my cyst predictions...

Monday: My boobs were sore AND I felt like I was lightly nauseous most of the work day. I wasn't REALLY SURE I was nauseous until someone kindly brought their lunch back to their desk and the smell wafted by in a popcorn-like sense, only not so tasty-smelling to me! Ohhhh Myyyyy! Where is the damned trashcan - keep it close! I kept a lid on it, but just barely.

Monday night - here's the scary part... my left ovary is hurting and burning somewhat. Good thing is, I'm no longer nauseous, but I'm very, very worried that the pain on my left is more than it should be for a typical cyst.

Scarier still, the left side is the one ovary that actually works... My RE hasn't said anything about the pattern so far, but every time I've ovulated it's be on the left side.

So, gonna call the RE's office tomorrow for sure... Can't wait to find out I have another chemical pregnancy, but this one is in the fallopian tubes!!!!! Man, I'm just gonna crawl in bed for a few weeks if that's the case.

Yes folks, step right up and see the PCOS Woman and her Pessimism - a rare treat!

Ugly post, that's what this is, ugly post. I'll let you know how it comes out.

Oh wait, almost forgot... Hubby told me yesterday that he bought some new Hormel chili because the stuff in the pantry was 4+ years old. So, tonight I made us chili and Fritos - yeah, I know, just the thing for nauseous lady, but hey it sounded good!

Well, later I found out that the chili I fixed was the OLD CAN!!!! He had put it on the counter meaning to throw it out or donate it! I might have considered checking the can for a date, but it was sitting right next to the cereal he bought for me on the same shopping trip! UGH!!!

OK - now I AM gonna be sick.

Just to get hubby's goat I told him, "Great, now tomorrow I won't know if I'm PG or just ate some bad chili!"

OK, smiling again it's taunt the hubby time!!!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Connecting with friends...

One of my closest girlfriends and I have both been on the TTC trail for a long time now. We have laughed and cried together many times over the whole experience. Also, we share a common bond of having both had miscarriages...

Yesterday, we dicussed a previous post regarding how we would like people to react (or treat us) after we experience a miscarriage.

DD is someone I am totally attached to, have been for years. We have both been trying to have children during most of our friendship, and so we are easy about the subject. We trade secrets, share losses, provide shoulders and encourage each other to keep trying. I try to convince her to go see an RE. It works well.

Over Christmas I threw a party for neighborhood women's club - it's the big annual event! I called DD to help me with getting my house in shape. She's an interior designer, so I called in a BIG favor by asking her to come give me a very frank consult. Some would say I wanted to test our friendship. :)

She came in, we made a list of needs and headed for Garden Ridge! We cruised through the aisles - the paintings and christmas trimmings went flying! We had the best time... I love times like these - two IF women having an IF-thought-free day!

I have a bad habit - I'll admit it - I talk on the phone while I drive.

My drive to and from work is about 35 minutes to go 13 miles, so I'm not moving very fast... It proves to be the BEST time for me to catch up with friends and family, who are also in traffic.

I call DD on a regular basis to catch up on things and find out what her weekend plans are.

The other day I remembered a dream I had, and with no preamble I said, "Did you have something you wanted to tell me??". There was silence, "Hello?. DD said, "No, why do you ask?", and wanted to tell her. Wanted her to know that I had dreamed of her PG anouncement. I was affraid though that she would be saddened by it, instead of cautiously hopeful.

I decided she was, after all a best friend and would understand my weirdness, so I explained the situation. She started laughing and cancelled any doubts that my dream was reality.

This was one of THOSE dreams though - where you wake up feeling like you should call the person - it left me with a very strong feeling, and it persisted throughout the day.

During our Christmas party shopping spree, she told me she had been pregnant, by just a few days when I called. She lost it just a few days after our conversation.

My world stopped spinning. I was in shock, saddened to the bone. Hugs were exchanged, heartfelt condolences given. I hope I said the right thing - DD would have to tell you...

I am so sad that she lost her baby. And yet I was closer to my friend than ever. I am so glad we have a strong connection - whether you believe in such things or not. Mostly, I am glad that she felt she could tell me and know that I would be there for her.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

The awful truth... Or, To tell or not to tell?

This is a very long post - so I won't be offended if you do not hang in until the end.

Below are some venting thoughts and questions I needed to get out into the light so I can examine them a little closer... Some of them may be inflammatory, some are going to make you want to tell me why my ideas wouldn't work for you. I want you to know up front that I am simply stating how I see the world and what I would wish for the infertility community I have become a part of. I welcome stories and comments with open arms...

Over the last few days I have been reading through many, many blogs - through the use of Julie's Big List. I am amazed at the number of people out there that have similar or worse TTC stories. Oh My GOSH! F*%K!

Was I really that blind going into this thing?? Was I really that clueless about the breadth and depth of the infertility issue? Was everyone else in on the joke but me? Or is it that people just don't talk about their infertility trials and losses as part of their daily lives?

I am guessing it is the latter... Otherwise, how is it that there are this many woman having this kind of trouble and yet there is sooo little information about it in our daily non-internet world.

Now that I am part of this community, I think it is because it is somehow taboo, or a "no-no" for women/men to have fertility issues. It is taboo to talk about the feelings, frustrations, and trials over becoming pregnant through something other than the "Baby Dance".

For example, The lady sitting across from me at the office - while I don't actually like her, and wouldn't think she would share personal info with me - was TTC for who-knows-how-long and none of us, not even her closest office friends, knew until she became pregnant with twins through IVF. She told no one of her success until she was 3 months along. The sad news is that she soon lost the twins after having told everyone she was pregnant. It left all of us unsure what to say, what to do... She was so sad and so angry at the world, and none of us knew how to handle it!

How is it that a large group of intelligent people can't decide how to handle this loss? From what I am reading in the infertility community, this kind of loss is something that appears to be pretty common, all things considered.

So, how is it that we have no knowledge of how deal with this properly?

I mean really - you know what do to when your friend's brother, sister or uncle dies - you send flowers, food and comfort! You express your condolences - you know how to do that! What do you do for a miscarriage?? What should you say??

Why is this still an uncomfortable thing to deal with?

I think some of it comes from the secret of procreation. No, I don't think tales of sexual adventures are part of your work life. But, when you are going through something really difficult in life, like a loss of a loved one, it is very likely you will tell a few of your closest associates. Why should this be different? Why is it taboo to have trouble in the procreation area?

Have you done something wrong? Did you secretly wish the child/children would not be born? Did you commit some sin? Do you deserve to be an outcast, unable to express your sadness over your loss? Is this the middle ages where you, as the woman, MUST have done something wrong, something to deserve God's wrath?

No -- No -- NO! it is NOT any of these things....

So why don't we start telling our stories openly... Let's heal the wounds and find support in our network of friends and family.

For myself.... I am sharing my story with a few very close female colleagues. I figure if there is the likelihood that I am going to break-out with a crying jag over finding out someone else is pregnant in our office, or if I'm going to be a T-Total Bitch on the Clomid or Follestim (I wasn't, but oh the stories I've heard/read) I want my posse of females that like me to be there to support me - and tell all those non-informed that I am not really that bad, that I am just "going through a rough time at home".

I want some support damn-it!

Actually, I want people to know some important things...

  • That we have had 2 miscarriages, we have cried over them both, yet we do our best to maintain the hope of a baby in our future.
  • All the bruising on my hands is not because I am a drug addict and those are not "drug tracks" up my arms. LOL
  • How f*%king hard I am trying to have my own little bundle of joy.
  • That I am the biggest cheerleader for pregnant women because it gives me hope that I will one day be there too.
  • That I am terribly jealous of those same women (especially the ones that are set to deliver in the month I would have) - I wanted to be there too.
  • That I am stronger than I look.
  • That I need their support and understanding.
  • That I want to be a Mom, and saying "You're young, you still have time." may be the cruelest words in the English language. They may have even lead me to this point - because I thought I had plenty of time - so I played around and didn't get serious when I should have!
  • That I DO NOT blame myself or my husband for having infertility problems.
  • That we did nothing to deserve this.
Well time to get off that line of thinking... I'm starting to cry. I want so much for the world to understand what it is like - how hard it is. They would probably have a WVHBM Day (Working Very Hard to Become a Mother).

Even my doctor needs to understand more about this community. He had the nerve to tell me - "You have plenty of rungs to go on the ladder, you are nowhere near the top!". He was referring to the types of procedures we can do to get me pregnant. To which I replied, "I'm not going to make it to the top, I'm already tired!". He doesn't understand how grueling it is to undergo daily shots - watch every morsel of food or drink - get your blood drawn and an US almost daily for 2 weeks every month- how you try not to get your hopes up - the dreaded 2 WW followed by the BFFN.

HOW CAN HE NOT UNDERSTAND??? It is because he hasn't had to do it - I'm sure.

OK - those are my thoughts for the day. Cheery, I know.

Funny thing is, last night hubby asked me if I wanted him to read my blog or not. I answered that I didn't so much, because I didn't want him to censure me. So much for wanting to express myself honestly and openly huh? Actually though, I do talk with him almost daily on the subject, so he really does know how I feel. :)

Saturday, January 13, 2007

The race is on...

Today I had some interesting news... A friend and I are both TTC during the same week. Up to this point we had been offset by a few days or weeks, but now we are both doing the "baby dance" at the same time.

I'm going to tell you how I'm feeling very frankly... I am scared that as my testing day grows closer, I will feel like I am in a race - where if one of us "wins" and the other does not. I realize this isn't real, but it will add an extra layer of frustration to this game of infertility. Specifically, I am scared that she will come out the "winner", and I will be left to support her while her tummy grows big, and mine does not.

I know, I know, I'm being silly... I'm being selfish, and I freely admit it... I feel silly and selfish. That is why I am trying to work out my feelings here. Please don't berate me for airing my real feelings... I would hate to have to be Politically Correct even on my own blog!

Obviously, there are other possibilities - we could reverse positions... Then I would have to question the fairness of life, and watch myself when I was around her. I really care that she not be hurt. Or, we could both come out winners or both try again soon.

I realize there are a myriad of possibilities. However, I don't want to feel like I am in a competition for a baby. I want to feel like I am doing what I need to do, when I need to do it, and the only considerations I have are for me, my DH, and my as-yet-un
conceived child.

If you have comments or suggestions, I'd love to hear them. Maybe I can find a way to make it past the two-week-wait without being too anxious over the outcome.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

First Things First

Why am I writing this blog? Hmmm...

I feel the need to share my story, but don't feel the need to call each of my friends daily to report the Infertility News. Frankly, I don't want people to stop taking my calls. Here's me "Hey! Just wanted to update you on our progress! Just had blood drawn today, took four sticks, yah have bad veins. You know - they roll, then blow...". And after an uncomfortable silence, "We are going for an IUI in 3 days, then another on day 4, then we wait... Blaugh, blaugh, blaugh...".

I like my friends - don't want to do that to them. :)

I wouldn't mind if someone out there got something out of the information I share. For example, I learned from http://bakerswife.typepad.com/withinthewoods/ that it is OK to push for what you want with your RE. If you don't feel that they are paying attention, say so. The worse that can happen is you find out they are the wrong RE for you.


I want somewhere to put all of these things I am feeling. Those of you on this ride know what I mean. There is just sooo much to carry around with you. You have to find somewhere to put it, or it will weigh you down.

Hope you will enjoy it, hope I will too. Hope there is eventually a happy ending to this blog - a baby or two with a couple of very proud parents. :)

On the road again...

DH and I have been trying to have children for a little of 2 1/2 years. We have been working with an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) for about 15 months. We have done 3 cycles of Clomid, had 4 cysts that prevented us from going through cycles, and two "clinical pregnancies". So far, we have proven we can make an embryo. So we keep trying...

I am starting to fade a bit on therapy - I'm really tired of getting poked and prodded. I'm starting to consider what my stopping point may be. I hadn't considered it before, because I thought we would be done by now and on our way to a bouncing baby girl/boy.

You know - it sounds so pessimistic - to sum up almost 3 years in a couple of paragraphs about being unsuccessful at becoming pregnant...

Well, I'm CD 11 - yep, got started with this cycle on New Year's Day! Yay me!

I hope it is a good sign to start off the new year with CD 1 being 1/1/07. I can tell just by looking at a calendar EXACTLY which day of my cycle I am on. Some of you might say - "That is pretty cool!" or others, "Why wouldn't you know?". Well, I'm not too hooked on knowing daily where I am in my cycle. It has actually added a bit of anxiety - because usually I drift a bit between the more invasive parts of the procedures. When DH asks "So, where are we?" I usually have to count it out on my fingers to know where I am. That's not to say I don't care, I just don't need to know EXACTLY where I am... I have appointments setup, and I know what I'm supposed to be doing on the next day, so I'm OK.

You see, I'm a PMP - Project Manager. I professionally keep up with "Where are we, really...". So, I figure, I CAN know if I want... Actually, I can really, really know and track it, on a project schedule, to the minute, with assignments and time-tracking to boot. However, I figure if I manage this "project" like I do my work, I will NOT end up pregnant, because no doctor or DH is going to put up with me. I will end up a lonely woman with a ghant chart of how it was all supposed to go so smoothly. Also I figure they don't really work for me, they work with me, or at least I should let them believe that. :)

This conclusion was born-out yesterday when I confronted my RE about whether he was being aggressive enough with treatment. Lucky for me, I thought to have him do the IUI procedure BEFORE I confronted him. You really don't want a pissed-off RE down there poking at you with the drinking straw.

Unlike his normal, I can take anything, self he was a bit snippy, and was non-too-pleased that I dared question his authority. I very firmly asserted that I would ask questions, I would weigh the risks, and I would make decisions. If I thought he was missing something, or not taking me seriously I would, always, ask questions. He concurred that it was the right thing to do, and we moved on to the subject of clowns... Yep, clowns...

I am betting you have all heard about bringing in the clowns http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/5099188.stm. Do you think it is a bad sign that myself, DH, and the nurse that was present had all heard about this, but the RE hadn't? Well, since he had not heard about this study, you can imagine his surprise when, after my IUI procedure, I belted out "Where are my CLOWNS?". He must really think I am nuts...

Oh, and what is with the need to say "you'll feel a little pinch?" What do they mean "...a little pinch"? Has anyone EVER said that to you and then what you felt was really a little pinch? Usually this statement is preceded or followed by a gut-wrenching pain, after which you wonder what this person's pain-tolerance levels must be.

I discussed this with my RE today, just before he opened the speculum (the crank, as I like to call it). I said told him he knew that wasn't accurate - he should say "This is gonna hurt like a bitch!". He laughed heartily and said most of his patients really prefer that he lies to them. LOL

Guess I had a lot that needed saying today... There's more, but my bed is calling to me...