Add a Pink AND a Blue Bow!

My best friend's twins arrived decided to arrive early this morning! She had a boy and a girl!

DD hadn't been having any issues, so this was not expected. As I have it from Daddy B they came out screaming and crying, which the Dr said is a great sign @ 31 1/2 wks.

The babies are off to the NICU - so we'll know soon how they are doing re: stats.

If you have a few seconds to offer up some prayers of support - or good vibes, please do.
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Things to Remember...

Jim has been a hoot lately... 

 

He has started forming more and more real sentences - most of them are constructed on the fly.  Well, almost. I hear him many times, before he speaks loudly, he tries out his sentences and ideas in a whisper. It is sooo cute. I NEVER interrupt him or make out like I can hear him - I'm just too excited to get to HEAR what his little mind is putting together.

 

On the way home from school most days he scarfs down a pkg of saltine crackers - yes, in the car. Then, like this hasn't happened to him 50 times, he starts whining and asking for a drink!!  Like today, different from all the other days, Mommy is going to have a drink on hand for him. I laugh when he starts, usually, but the other day I'd enough... I told him he'd have to stop whining - his drink aka "ba ba" was at home - he'd not get it until then.

 

Jim looked pensive, screwed up his face, and softly said "hoooome", "home", "ba ba", "ba ba home?". Then, all of the sudden his face lit up and he says, very matter of factly "I me ba ba home!", with a big grin splitting his face from ear to ear. It was a special moment, to be sure, and he knew it!

 

Mwah!  My boy, you are a genius!  *knowing nod*

 

Shoes... Jim has a fetish for shoes. No shoes are safe, whether he is in his own shoes or no. Just take your shoes off for a moment and he will whip his shoes off and put yours on. Now, see, he KNOWS they are your shoes... He will even taunt you with them occassionally. He'll hold them up, tell you they are shoes, and then just when you think you are goign to grab them, he whips them back onto his feet. He is a MASTER at high heals and cowboy boots, lest you be fooled into thinking difficult shoes are safe.

 

Some other cute happenings and phrases:

 

Tonight he picked up my glass of water, said "Me drink?", I nodded. He's been trying to drink from non-sippy cups, so water is a good place to start. :)  He tipped up the HUGE ice-cold liquid to drink and then screamed! He'd managed to dump most of it on himself. He was coughing and choking from inahling a bit, when he says hoarsely, "I may mess!" followed by a shocked, "... Wet!", to which I nodded again, a little more emphatically. Oh, and he was wearing my shoes, my red Clarks, when he did it - I think I'll avoid wearing red tomorrow.

 

Jim and hubby were in our Master Bathroom one morning. Jim was whining and crying so that I could barely make it out... "Whaaaaaa Meee Mine! Toooowel! Toweeel! Miiiiine!". To which I heard the firm reply, "Jim, I said No! You can't have your towel. Mommy is asleep, so hush." Just then I see the door opening, and my small sobbing boy says, suddenly very clearly and loudly, "Mommy, WAKE UP!".  I thought seriously about dying laughing, but I didn't want to encourage him.

 

Huffing seems to come naturally - how odd!  Jim has had a rough year in terms of chest colds. He has, on many occassions, had to comply with Dr's orders to take breathing treatments. We have a tiny little portable air compressor that we use. The air is forced through a tube and into a little chamber that contains his breathing meds. The chamber is formed so that it turns the meds into vapor, which is fed into a small mask he has to wear.

 

The treatments take about 15 mins to complete, but our little champion will usually sit for them, resisting only slightly. We figure it is because he knows the treatment will make him feel better. His favorite mask is one that appears to be chicken-ish. There is a chicken-type face on it, but it has a horn like a rihnocerous. So, I affectionately call it the "Chickenocerous", and I laugh every time at my wittiness.

 

Today Jim wasn't breathing so hot. We gave him a treatment, but it didn't seem to be working as well as usual. So, Daddy took him in to see Dr. Wonderful. Hubby and I are so used to our boy's wonderfulness, that it was a little surprising when he wowed the nurses. All he did was hold his own breathing treatment mask. Apparently, this isn't typical 20-mo old behavior when breathing treatments are applied. :)

 

His pulse-Oxygen level was below 90% this morninig, which isn't good, but don't you worry, he is breathing better tonight. We've been given some meds to help him breathe easier, and recover faster, in addition to the nebulizer.

 

 

 

 

 

-- Protect the time and space to carry out your dreams -----

Opps! Occupational Hazard...

One of the best things about having your blog email stored in your phone is that you can very easily post to your blog.

One of the occupational hazards is that you can also accidently send yourself a reminder note and have it posted on the web for all to see!

Ooops.

Add Another Blue Bow...

My new nephew is here, safe and sound!  I'm so happy - I started crying when Nana called me to tell me the news. His name is Ian Henry and my family's surname - the name is sure to make some people quite happy in our family, including me.

 

So special, so wonderful. I'm quite speachless.

 

Not only am I happy, but to tell you the truth I am so relieved I am crying. After our loss I was so terribly scared that something would take this wonder from my brother's life. I was terrified for him - terrified that he would never know the beauty of holding his child. but I never told him so. I find little use in scaring people when there is no form of intervention available to them. As we all know, babies do or don't arrive in good health, and much of the time there is little reason to be found for the outcome.

 

I am so pleased. I will thank God tonight for the blessings of the day.

 

Too bad you aren't all here with me - I'd order up some wine and fine chocolates for the house. Hurrah!

 

Miscarriage Truths

Tonight I did some Retail Therapy, which isn't really like me. However, I bought a beautiful asian-themed shirt, some clothes for Jim, and some potential Christmas gifts. Oh, and I bought 20 mini-size pumpkins for our neighborhood's Halloween bash on Friday - I am in charge of helping the kids decorate them. If it doesn't rain it should be a nice time.

 

I am steadily getting better... I've had a few minor setbacks, but overall I've been making progress.

 

I keep thinking there are warnings that should have been issued to me when it was found that I had lost the baby. Knowing that these things were coming might have saved me some sanity.

 

So, here is my list for any of you that are unfortunate enough to have to travel this road. And, any that have already travelled it - feel free to add to my list!!!

 

1. Your husband/SO may need to see the doctor's report, or ultrasound, to feel sure that the baby has died - he needs closure just like you. Be sure you as your Dr. to try to accomidate him.
2. Once the initial shock has worn off you will find that grief comes in waves. Much like the ocean tides, they can be 2 inches to 20 feet.
3. Grief waves will hit you when you least expect it. Especially when it is inconvient to be seen crying.
4. It is VERY LIKELY that you will occasionally forget that you are no longer pregnant. Remembering may bring you crashing down. This is normal. The frequency and severity of these episodes will decrease over time.
5. Your husband/SO may not want to talk about it. Or he may want to drown you in his thoughts. It was his baby too - try to be supportive. If you can't be there for him, try and be up front about it, maybe ask to wait until another time to talk (not too far in the future).
6. The shifting of your uterus back to its former size/position feels VERY MUCH like a baby moving and kicking. This sensation may cause you to forget momentarily, which will cost you some added hearache.
7. People will say the wrong thing... You should plan for this and try to have a "get out of jail free" line to offer them. That is, unless you want to claw that person's eyes out - then you can feel free to let them have it.
8. You will want to scream, cry, and tear your hair for want of your baby back - this is normal. This might last for a few days or weeks - that is normal too.
9. Your parents are coming to grips with loosing their Grandchild. Don't forget this...
10. You will realize eventually that you will never get back the time you spent trying to have this child. For those with infertility, you will cry when you count the # of months that equals.
11. "What's next?", is a question you will repeatedly ask yourself. For your body and RE that answer is at least 3 months away. You may find that a rough sketch of your plans will help you put these questions to rest for a short time.
12. IF you don't want to open cards from your family/friends you don't have to. Really.
13. Get out of the house as soon as you can after your miscarriage - home needs to be a sanctuary, but not a cave to hide in.
14. Knowing the reason your baby died can lighten your burden, but it won't stop the "What if's".
15. Wearing your pre-pregnancy jeans will happen faster than you think - discovering this will not be a pleasant and happy moment.

Maybe this list can help someone who is greiving. At a minimun, it has helped me get the close-following demons out of my head for now. Well, at least for the moment.

It's All So Different Now...

Why is it that EVERYTHING is different once you loose your baby mid-pregnancy? I think people assume it is just the sadness of the loss that consumes you. Instead, I am coming to find that every waking moment has the potential to bring a rush of sadness and pain.  Until now, I didn't realize how many little things I did in a day to ensure my comfort and the safety of my little one.

 

Everything in the list below has occured today and caused me to physically pause and take note of the baby's absence, my sadness, my emptiness. I find my day is moving forward, but not on normal time. It is being spent in small, jerking moments of reflection - as I realize that I do not need to think of or do these simple things anymore. 

 

THIS day-to-day task list represents the real pain that lies in wait for me - and this is only through 1 PM:

• In the morning - I don't need to carefully choose pants and shirt that still fit.
• I don't need to be sooooo careful on the house stairs.
• Not eating a healthy breakfast may or may not leave me starving by lunch. Do I still need to pack a snack for 3 PM?
• At the office - I used to take the elevator, not the marble winding staircase that is falling hazard galore.
• I usually don't eat the tuna they make at the office cafe - who knows how old it is (even though it is probably safe, and is very yummy)
• I never choose cold cuts in the cafe, unless I know I can get them microwaved first
• I don't eat too many sweets/carbs, don't want gest. dia.betes - guess that's not too likely now
• I answer the call from the Dr's office re: how I'm doing, then cancel 2 other no-longer-needed appointments *sigh*
• I hit my tummy on the desk and flinch out of habit *sigh* now it just feels like a normal tummy
• I get asked about the baby, and then kindly untell 3 or 4 people at the office**. Then I feel I need to apologize for making them sad. *sigh*
• I get very sad at the prospect of no other children, so I Google for options regarding next steps (when I would rather look for baby gear instead)
• I dry tears for the 14 millionth time since I lost our little one...

I know that things will get easier as I work these daily habits out of my life. I also realize that some things will never be the same.

 

I am trying really hard not to focus too much on why I'm having to do the things I'm having to do to make plans for the future. I do need to know what I want to do next. I need a Plan to feel secure that it will all be OK eventually. I need somewhere soft to land - somewhere with some hope.

 

**Since our loss I have threatened one or two people about statments that started off "It will be OK. You are still...". I have promised to break arms if the sentence gets finished. Let's just say It has been an effective deterent to people showing their stupidity.

 

 

Closure....

Thank you to everyone who has come by to offer condolences. It has been helpful to have our little one's existence acknowledged. The support and shared grief has been good for me, as I don't feel so alone, as I have in previous (early, before anyone knew) miscarriages.

I am at home recovering from a D&C that I had at 6:30 AM this morning. I'm still a bit knocked out from the sedation and meds, but that is to be expected, I guess. So far it hasn't been too bad as far as recoveries go.

The hardest part of the whole D&C process was the paperwork. I was required to fill out a Death Certificate. It was the hardest thing I've had to do yet. I cried the whole way through it. It did feel like closure, but I wasn't sure I was ready for that just yet, as it felt kinda forced. It made it all feel very final though, like I was publicly and formally acknowledging officially that my baby had died. In a way, it made me feel better that there was a real and tangible record of her on this earth, even though it didn't ask for a name or sex of the baby - it was enough.

It will probably be a little while, but I will eventually try to explain what the findings from our test results were. Also, I'll tell you guys what happened at the hospital the night we found out, but I'm not ready for all that just yet,

Thanks again for all your love and support.

-- Protect the time and space to carry out your dreams -----