Sunday, February 21, 2010

Proud Mommy Time... Avert Your Eyes...

Next week is Jim's 2nd Birthday!
Before it is alllll about him for a month, let's talk about how proud I am.... of me, my hubby, and of my boy.
I have succeeded in getting Jim to the cusp of 2 yrs old  without him being addicted to TV, soda, sweets, french fries (or any other type of food), cussing, or any Disney or Pixar character. If your kid has any of these addictions, do know I don't judge, I'm just talking about what's going on in my house. WE love a good movie night of cartoons, like everyone, but hubby and I are kinda low-dose TV people, even for ourselves.
Oh, and Jim is polite too - he says "thank you", "please", and "yeah" -- I'm so proud!
He's soooooo talkative, which is outside the norm at this age. He's saying full sentences while some of his peers are just starting the basic words. Again - I'm not judging, I'm just telling how it is in my house. I'm very greatful for my son's communication skills, but I know it doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of success or happiness in life. It can't hurt though, right? I've had people say to me, "He's a Genius", and I say no, he just has parents that talk A LOT! :) 
 - Yesterday, in a parking lot, he said, "That man park car?" and I agreed. He then said, "Jim park car Tooooo?". I was terribly impressed, but insisted he was a little to young yet. :)
 - It is so fun to challenge Jim to say new words - tonight he said "Croissant". It came out all French too - with lots of oooey gooey vowels - delicious!
 - Hubby came into Jim's room during naptime - Jim was standing in his crib. Daddy said "Jim, aren't you supposed to be taking a nap?". He says, all serious, "Yeah", and Daddy replies, "Are you going to take a nap?", to which our sage son laughingly replies, "Noooooooo!" while shaking his head.
 - He is getting GREAT at using combos of words to get across his meaning - he keeps trying combos of things until he's sure we get it. It's kinda like charades for toddlers... 
             Jim:  Where's my Su-zan?
              US:  Susan isn't here. She went to her house.
             Jim:  Her house? Su-zan house? Su-zan go bye bye?
              US:  Yes, Su-zan go bye bye. Remember she went on an airplane?
             Jim:  Jim go Su-zan house? Go airplane?  Vrooooom... while he dive bombs the bed.
              US:  Um, not quite like that, but yeah.
He's also started making up silly songs - hubby and I are ALWAYS making up stupid songs to match what we're doing. His song tonight was sung at the table, while holding his plate aloft he sang, "I'm doooooooone... iiiiiiiiii'm doo-ooo-one!" and when I told him to stop, that I'd heard him, he looked at me dead serious and snarkily said "I'm SINGING!" and continued to sing all silly. I cracked. the. fuck. up. and kissed his alfredo-covered cheeks.
Wonderful times, wonderful times!
This message has been brought to you by one proud Mommy. :)  A little toot of my own horn every now and then will hopefully be OK with the bloggy universe.

Clinic 1 - Nearlydawn 0


The clinic today told me very pointedly that I wasn't supposed to come in until day 2. But, my f'ing cycle sheet VERY CLEARLY says to come in on day 1 and start meds on day 2. I explained it MUCH more nicely, than that, but I wanted to yell, which might have been perceptable - maybe. So the lady talked to me like I was 5 and was asking for candy before dinner.

I HATE it when people act like they didn't tell me something they very well did! AND I have it in writing. I also confirmed 2 seperate times that I was SUPPOSED to call if CD1 was over the weekend and was told YES. 

I'm totally OK with plans changing, but don't act like it is solely because of MY misunderstanding. UGH!

Then hubby pestered me the REST of the damned day because he DOES NOT like it when plans change. He can't seem to remember how this shit works, even though we did 3 years of cycles, and so he finally gets frustrated and asks what he's been chewing on all morning, "How will this affect our plans if you have to skip it and do it next month?!?!". He's having some tests run that require a CT, but he can only put them off so long. So, it's important that we don't have a month-long delay in baby-making.

I lost it and yelled at him - "How COULD you forget 3 years of shit? I'm not going to MISS a MONTH, it's just going to be a pain-in-the-ass to get in before work, then work in a shot tomorrow!". It was a rough morning, I'll tell you. Our argument lasted a while... He obviously didn't like being yelled at, and I don't like that he's not able to keep up with the game. sigh.

Well... tomorrow's a very early day for me (gotta get into the clinic before work). Night ya'll!


-- Protect the time and space to carry out your dreams -----

Do you feel lucky? Do you?

Tomorrow is CD1 for IVF #3

I'm asking myself the questions... The hard questions.

Will this work? What if it does work? How do I feel about that?

Am I feeling lucky? Am I?
Feel free to mentally add the word "punk" to the question - it's much funnier that way :)

Whatever else I feel, I do feel like things are right. I don't know if that means it will work, or not, but it feels OK. I'm not stressed. Not nervous. Not antsy to just be done. I'm kinda calm - maybe that's what you get after so much trying? I'm not sure.


Hubby took me out on a date last night - including a VERY late night/early morning concert for a band I love - front row center. I thouroughly enjoyed myself. The night was capped off by the singer, onstage at the concert, looking right at me and saying diretly to me, "That is a truly beautiful smile, it really is". He said it more than once. I know it's very teenager of me, but it made my day... Today too, for that matter.

You know part of the reason why? Because I'm not a skinny-mini person. I'm not a classic beauty. I'm not a lot of things that other women are, but I'm usually pretty happy to be me.

I have an odd habit that probably plays into his comment... I work hard at smiling at people - I make sure to make eye contact, nod, and smile. People like it, and I like it. I'm thought of as friendly because of that one simple act.

Hubby says I make friends easily. No, it's not really true, but I DO make aquantances easy, because I smile at people and make and effort to meet new people. I have very few real friends. Interestingly, many, many of the people on my bloglist (over there ----->) are people that I refer to as friends.

Anyway... Having the lead singer notice me is pretty sweet. Especially when the tall-dark-beauty behind me THOUGHT he was talking to her - he corrected her. HA! :) Score one for the regular-people mommy with a pretty smile. Go ME! Oh, and I leaned back and said to hubby, "Watch out Big Sandy likes my smile!" and he replied, "So do I, my lovely Bride. I keep telling you how wonderful your smile is. Maybe now you'll believe me." I do believe him more now - odd isn't it?

Have a good one guys - I'll hopefully be off getting my CD1 workup done tomorrow morning! I'll let you know what they have to say.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Light a Candle...

A candle looses nothing by lighting another candle.
-Erin Majors

The quote speaks to me - it mirrors my opinion on supporting the currently-pregnant people, even when I'm not one of them. I loose nothing in the transaction, other than maybe a little sadness that I'm not there (yet), but I bring light into someone else's life. I do wish I could remember this statment when those 3 PG people* cross into my path. We'd all feel better, I'm sure.

* For those that don't remember, I noted last post that 3 pregnant people I know have have been very hard for me, due to the proximity of their due dates.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Back in the Saddle Soon?

Yes... That's the plan!

I'm supposed to have an SHG (sonohistogram) tomorrow morning. Should be fun! Ugh. I hate these things, but I guess it is what it is.

Starting in Feb, whenever it is I hit CD1, assuming I don't have a cyst, we will do the supression check bloodwork to start IVF #2. I am not really nervous or anxious this time, I'm just ready to begin.

Dr. S is going to try to up my stim response - he wants to try to get more eggs so we'll have a larger crop of eggs to work from, and possibly more blasts to freeze and should we hit a great stim cycle they might be able to freeze some eggs too! With our 1st IVF we had 4 blasts, 2 were used and 2 were frozen. We used the last 2 in FET #1 over the summer.

I'm not positive what the drug name is, but it is something like gan.orelex? I'm going without any BCPs or Lupron - no down-reg. I'm very worried about this idea - cyst is my middle name, you know. If I remember right, every cycle we've monitored Day 3 without BCPs first has resulted in a no-go due to a cyst. I'm not confident it'll be a go, can you tell?

Had chromosome testing on hubby and I - the results came out just fine. We are normal - ha ha ha hah ah, whew! What a good one!

So, I am ready for this next cycle. I am moving forward with the plan.

I am still sore on the inside, as I expected I would be, but it is worse than I expected. Not physically, but mentally. There are 2 ladies that I come into contact with ofthen that are having babies at or around the time I was due. I keep watching them get larger, more round. I can't help but think about my own loss - how I SHOULD look now.

Then, I shake it off. I do NOT wish that I had my little girl instead of them having their babies, so I do NOT wish them ill will. I still believe in my core that someone else having a baby, or not, has nothing to do with my own chances. I want to celebrate their success, but it has been very hard. So, I settle for polite interest, then I get the hell away from them. That's about all I can manage to do right now. Let me be clear - I don't go away and fall to pieces, I just feel so lonely. Like no one would understand the pain, but I know you guys will... so, I thought I'd share, see if I can let some of it free into the ether.

I'm somewhat afraid I'm going to get asked to head-up a baby shower for a guy in my office. His wife is due on the SAME DAY I was due. Everytime he sees me he's friendly, but he also stutters over baby stuff. I think he's not sure if he can tell me about it or not. I'm not sure either - so I have stayed mute on the subject.

I don't know that my issues are obvious to the rest of the world, but until April passes I don't expect to be able to move past this particular greif. I think it is just a little too deep.

So, early Feb... That's our plan.