Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Back in the Saddle Soon?

Yes... That's the plan!

I'm supposed to have an SHG (sonohistogram) tomorrow morning. Should be fun! Ugh. I hate these things, but I guess it is what it is.

Starting in Feb, whenever it is I hit CD1, assuming I don't have a cyst, we will do the supression check bloodwork to start IVF #2. I am not really nervous or anxious this time, I'm just ready to begin.

Dr. S is going to try to up my stim response - he wants to try to get more eggs so we'll have a larger crop of eggs to work from, and possibly more blasts to freeze and should we hit a great stim cycle they might be able to freeze some eggs too! With our 1st IVF we had 4 blasts, 2 were used and 2 were frozen. We used the last 2 in FET #1 over the summer.

I'm not positive what the drug name is, but it is something like gan.orelex? I'm going without any BCPs or Lupron - no down-reg. I'm very worried about this idea - cyst is my middle name, you know. If I remember right, every cycle we've monitored Day 3 without BCPs first has resulted in a no-go due to a cyst. I'm not confident it'll be a go, can you tell?

Had chromosome testing on hubby and I - the results came out just fine. We are normal - ha ha ha hah ah, whew! What a good one!

So, I am ready for this next cycle. I am moving forward with the plan.

I am still sore on the inside, as I expected I would be, but it is worse than I expected. Not physically, but mentally. There are 2 ladies that I come into contact with ofthen that are having babies at or around the time I was due. I keep watching them get larger, more round. I can't help but think about my own loss - how I SHOULD look now.

Then, I shake it off. I do NOT wish that I had my little girl instead of them having their babies, so I do NOT wish them ill will. I still believe in my core that someone else having a baby, or not, has nothing to do with my own chances. I want to celebrate their success, but it has been very hard. So, I settle for polite interest, then I get the hell away from them. That's about all I can manage to do right now. Let me be clear - I don't go away and fall to pieces, I just feel so lonely. Like no one would understand the pain, but I know you guys will... so, I thought I'd share, see if I can let some of it free into the ether.

I'm somewhat afraid I'm going to get asked to head-up a baby shower for a guy in my office. His wife is due on the SAME DAY I was due. Everytime he sees me he's friendly, but he also stutters over baby stuff. I think he's not sure if he can tell me about it or not. I'm not sure either - so I have stayed mute on the subject.

I don't know that my issues are obvious to the rest of the world, but until April passes I don't expect to be able to move past this particular greif. I think it is just a little too deep.

So, early Feb... That's our plan.


Stacie said...

I totally get it. Many hugs.

I am right here cheering you on to success. (By the way, I also skip the down regulating and go straight to stims. I also use ganirelix. Oh, and I like to get cysts, too. I feel your pain, but I think you'll be alright.)

ME Gregory said...

Glad to hear from you. All I can say is yes, I totally get it. I am happy to celebrate for other infertiles and don't feel even really a pang, as they get it, but those around me that just do the deed or as one friend said recently, oh I really want an Oct. baby and whamo she gets pg for an Oct baby, sorta bugs me, not for wishing them well, but more for, darn this is hard and annoying that I have to go through so much time & energy to have another baby. And then I feel guilty as some have gone through way worse than me and don't even have one baby and I do - so eh, most of the time I try to just ignore it and focus on accepting the good life I have and hoping it continues! Best of luck to you, have another friend doing a similar treatment to you for her 4th IVF - here's good luck to all of us!

MrsSpock said...

I have a few friend here who are pregnant. It's not like I wish they could not get pregnant- I just wish I could so their being pregnant wasn't a reminder that I suck.

I hope this different treatment plan does the trick and this is the last time you'll have o do a fresh cycle!

Carey said...

Infertility and loss robs you of so much... grief is so complex. I'm happy to see you have a plan. A plan always helped me get through the rough times. And here's to hoping for no cysts!!!