Nightingale

It came to me,
her Nightingale song,

naught but a whiper on the wind

stirring the curtians of my darkend room.

I saw her in the deepening shadow,
a tempting mirage.
When I looked in earnest
she would fade as if a dream.

As nights passed slowly
louder her lullaby song grew stronger,
more sure.
Entering my dreams -

singing me love songs

soft and warm,
small in my hand.

Tentaively I reached out,
beckoning her to me,
feeling only the flutter of wings
as she flew.

Miscarriage Truths

Tonight I did some Retail Therapy, which isn't really like me. However, I bought a beautiful asian-themed shirt, some clothes for Jim, and some potential Christmas gifts. Oh, and I bought 20 mini-size pumpkins for our neighborhood's Halloween bash on Friday - I am in charge of helping the kids decorate them. If it doesn't rain it should be a nice time.

I am steadily getting better... I've had a few minor setbacks, but overall I've been making progress.

I keep thinking there are warnings that should have been issued to me when it was found that I had lost the baby. Knowing that these things were coming might have saved me some sanity.

So, here is my list for any of you that are unfortunate enough to have to travel this road. And, any that have already travelled it - feel free to add to my list!!!

1. Your husband/SO may need to see the doctor's report, or ultrasound, to feel sure that the baby has died - he needs closure just like you. Be sure you as your Dr. to try to accomidate him.
2. Once the initial shock has worn off you will find that grief comes in waves. Much like the ocean tides, they can be 2 inches to 20 feet.
3. Grief waves will hit you when you least expect it. Especially when it is inconvient to be seen crying.
4. It is VERY LIKELY that you will occasionally forget that you are no longer pregnant. Remembering may bring you crashing down. This is normal. The frequency and severity of these episodes will decrease over time.
5. Your husband/SO may not want to talk about it. Or he may want to drown you in his thoughts. It was his baby too - try to be supportive. If you can't be there for him, try and be up front about it, maybe ask to wait until another time to talk (not too far in the future).
6. The shifting of your uterus back to its former size/position feels VERY MUCH like a baby moving and kicking. This sensation may cause you to forget momentarily, which will cost you some added hearache.
7. People will say the wrong thing... You should plan for this and try to have a "get out of jail free" line to offer them. That is, unless you want to claw that person's eyes out - then you can feel free to let them have it.
8. You will want to scream, cry, and tear your hair for want of your baby back - this is normal. This might last for a few days or weeks - that is normal too.
9. Your parents are coming to grips with loosing their Grandchild. Don't forget this...
10. You will realize eventually that you will never get back the time you spent trying to have this child. For those with infertility, you will cry when you count the # of months that equals.
11. "What's next?", is a question you will repeatedly ask yourself. For your body and RE that answer is at least 3 months away. You may find that a rough sketch of your plans will help you put these questions to rest for a short time.
12. IF you don't want to open cards from your family/friends you don't have to. Really.
13. Get out of the house as soon as you can after your miscarriage - home needs to be a sanctuary, but not a cave to hide in.
14. Knowing the reason your baby died can lighten your burden, but it won't stop the "What if's".
15. Wearing your pre-pregnancy jeans will happen faster than you think - discovering this will not be a pleasant and happy moment.

Maybe this list can help someone who is greiving. At a minimun, it has helped me get the close-following demons out of my head for now. Well, at least for the moment.

No News...

We have no news. No news because this test can't come back in 7 days, it takes a minimum of 10 to 14 days. So, it can't have been back today. :(

No idea why the Dr. said it would definately, most assuredly, be back today. Ugh.

So... We wait... Again.

Monday at the earliest, Friday at the latest - but then we've had and "at the latest" answer before. Right?

Beta Reminder - FET #1

In case you have forgotten, my beta is tomorrow! *deep breath*

I'm scared about the results. I don't think I was this scared last time.

I think my emotions are all messed up because this time I KNOW what a good beta means AND what a bad beta means. Both options are terrifying.

Don't doubt that I want my beta to be good, and I want it to stay good, and I want to bring home baby! I'm just fearful of all the what-if's between now and then. It is a long, long hard road.

I have been down the "beta looks good ...but isn't" path. That scares me just about as much, as it takes months to get over it and get back to feeling like yourself again. Miscarriages seem to chip away a little part of you every time...

Then there is the negative beta. Ugh. We all know about that one. :(

I can tell you this - I've had slightly sore boobs (mostly shooting pains), crampy pains, twinges of round ligament pain, incredible hunger, and exhastion. Hower, none of these have been with any fervor or lasted very long once they started. So, I'm not going to hold my breath that they are signs to hang my hat on.

So, we'll see. I'll let you all know as I can.

On Our Way?

I've been keeping a little something from the bloggy universe... We are "trying again", not as in at-some-point-we-will-start, but as in we went in for our transfer this morning! Yeah, I know, I'm bad because I didn't share. :(

I've told a couple of people recently that we were trying again, and I think I might have blogged about it in my last post, but I haven't felt like making a big production of it.

You see, until this morning, I figured it would all fizzle out. I kept taking my shots, like a good girl, but I didn't expect to get through today with baby-on-board as I had only 1 embryo in the freezer, and there was only a 50/50 chance that it would thaw and survive. However, the embryologist said it was expanding and looking good, which is a HUGE hurdle for an embryo.

We do our beta next Thursday... Not that I really expect anything. Last time we put back 2 and only 1 took, and those were Grade A. This one was a B when it went in, and they didn't grade it when they replaced it today. I'm not sure if that means anything or not, but it doesn't make me feel like dancing.

I've spent the day on the couch - writing emails and napping. I've picked up my son only 1 time, which I was told was allowed as long as I don't "repeatedly lift" anything over 10 lbs.

Jim did not appreciate that I wouldn't pick him up, but he seemed pleased when he was able to climb onto my lap and show me how his Fisher Price farm worked. Hubby has been great... He was there for me this morning, stayed home from work to keep tabs on me, and has graciously done all the heavy lifting, changing, and toting of our prince. We'll just have to refer to the next 10 days as "Daddy bonding time". :)

For now, I guess I'll be doing the slightly-shorter-than-two-weeks wait!

P.S. - I had some sort of negative reaction to the PIO shots this time. Nothing too severe, but I was worried that I might be headed for an allergic reaction. So, my RE gave me VJJay suppositories instead of PIO! Wooo Hooo! I like them, they aren't messy, and they are easy to use. I give it a thumbs up!

Note: this also means I have some extra PIO if anyone is maybe needing to kinda save some money. Not that I would do anything illegal like give it to anyone, but I'm just sayin'...