Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Miscarriage Truths

Tonight I did some Retail Therapy, which isn't really like me. However, I bought a beautiful asian-themed shirt, some clothes for Jim, and some potential Christmas gifts. Oh, and I bought 20 mini-size pumpkins for our neighborhood's Halloween bash on Friday - I am in charge of helping the kids decorate them. If it doesn't rain it should be a nice time.

I am steadily getting better... I've had a few minor setbacks, but overall I've been making progress.

I keep thinking there are warnings that should have been issued to me when it was found that I had lost the baby. Knowing that these things were coming might have saved me some sanity.

So, here is my list for any of you that are unfortunate enough to have to travel this road. And, any that have already travelled it - feel free to add to my list!!!

  1. Your husband/SO may need to see the doctor's report, or ultrasound, to feel sure that the baby has died - he needs closure just like you. Be sure you as your Dr. to try to accomidate him.
  2. Once the initial shock has worn off you will find that grief comes in waves. Much like the ocean tides, they can be 2 inches to 20 feet.
  3. Grief waves will hit you when you least expect it. Especially when it is inconvient to be seen crying.
  4. It is VERY LIKELY that you will occasionally forget that you are no longer pregnant. Remembering may bring you crashing down. This is normal. The frequency and severity of these episodes will decrease over time.
  5. Your husband/SO may not want to talk about it. Or he may want to drown you in his thoughts. It was his baby too - try to be supportive. If you can't be there for him, try and be up front about it, maybe ask to wait until another time to talk (not too far in the future).
  6. The shifting of your uterus back to its former size/position feels VERY MUCH like a baby moving and kicking. This sensation may cause you to forget momentarily, which will cost you some added hearache.
  7. People will say the wrong thing... You should plan for this and try to have a "get out of jail free" line to offer them. That is, unless you want to claw that person's eyes out - then you can feel free to let them have it.
  8. You will want to scream, cry, and tear your hair for want of your baby back - this is normal. This might last for a few days or weeks - that is normal too.
  9. Your parents are coming to grips with loosing their Grandchild. Don't forget this...
  10. You will realize eventually that you will never get back the time you spent trying to have this child. For those with infertility, you will cry when you count the # of months that equals.
  11. "What's next?", is a question you will repeatedly ask yourself. For your body and RE that answer is at least 3 months away. You may find that a rough sketch of your plans will help you put these questions to rest for a short time.
  12. IF you don't want to open cards from your family/friends you don't have to. Really.
  13. Get out of the house as soon as you can after your miscarriage - home needs to be a sanctuary, but not a cave to hide in.
  14. Knowing the reason your baby died can lighten your burden, but it won't stop the "What if's".
  15. Wearing your pre-pregnancy jeans will happen faster than you think - discovering this will not be a pleasant and happy moment.
Maybe this list can help someone who is greiving. At a minimun, it has helped me get the close-following demons out of my head for now. Well, at least for the moment.


Stacie said...

I nodded my head all the way through the list, especially at #14. The dreaded "what if's" have kept me up way too many nights. Sigh.

Many hugs, Dawn.

Furrow said...

Yes, yes, and yes. Right on.

MrsSpock said...

This is all great advice. I so wish you didn't have to experience it first-hand. I second the recommendation that you don't have to open those cards (Including mine ;)). When I was going through my health scare this summer, I really appreciated all the support- but I really needed a vacation from thinking about all the rotten happenings, and all those emails and cards and phone calls just brought the memory right back.

Clomid Mistress said...

I just found your blog on stirrup queens. I completely agree with you list!

Seed.Sprout.Swell said...

# 4 happens to me about 2-3 times a day. It always happens when I wake up. Ugh...

docgrumbles said...

You sure captured a lot of it.

Here is one from me:

When people offer you a drink or a previously forbidden food, it is not as comforting as they think it is. We'd rather have the baby than the wine, sushi, brie, etc.

Eileen said...

I have been through 4 losses now. Thank you for this list. It expresses what I have been through perfectly. I still come to tears when I pass a baby section in a store. I dont know if I'll ever get over that. Thanks also for stopping by my blog. I am so sorry you have been through that pain, but it helps me tremendously to know that there are women out there who completely understand the heartache. Best of luck with the healing journey. *HUGS* from the blogosphere.