Why is it that EVERYTHING is different once you loose your baby mid-pregnancy? I think people assume it is just the sadness of the loss that consumes you. Instead, I am coming to find that every waking moment has the potential to bring a rush of sadness and pain. Until now, I didn't realize how many little things I did in a day to ensure my comfort and the safety of my little one.
Everything in the list below has occured today and caused me to physically pause and take note of the baby's absence, my sadness, my emptiness. I find my day is moving forward, but not on normal time. It is being spent in small, jerking moments of reflection - as I realize that I do not need to think of or do these simple things anymore.
THIS day-to-day task list represents the real pain that lies in wait for me - and this is only through 1 PM:
- In the morning - I don't need to carefully choose pants and shirt that still fit.
- I don't need to be sooooo careful on the house stairs.
- Not eating a healthy breakfast may or may not leave me starving by lunch. Do I still need to pack a snack for 3 PM?
- At the office - I used to take the elevator, not the marble winding staircase that is falling hazard galore.
- I usually don't eat the tuna they make at the office cafe - who knows how old it is (even though it is probably safe, and is very yummy)
- I never choose cold cuts in the cafe, unless I know I can get them microwaved first
- I don't eat too many sweets/carbs, don't want gest. dia.betes - guess that's not too likely now
- I answer the call from the Dr's office re: how I'm doing, then cancel 2 other no-longer-needed appointments *sigh*
- I hit my tummy on the desk and flinch out of habit *sigh* now it just feels like a normal tummy
- I get asked about the baby, and then kindly untell 3 or 4 people at the office**. Then I feel I need to apologize for making them sad. *sigh*
- I get very sad at the prospect of no other children, so I Google for options regarding next steps (when I would rather look for baby gear instead)
- I dry tears for the 14 millionth time since I lost our little one...
I know that things will get easier as I work these daily habits out of my life. I also realize that some things will never be the same.
I am trying really hard not to focus too much on why I'm having to do the things I'm having to do to make plans for the future. I do need to know what I want to do next. I need a Plan to feel secure that it will all be OK eventually. I need somewhere soft to land - somewhere with some hope.
**Since our loss I have threatened one or two people about statments that started off "It will be OK. You are still...". I have promised to break arms if the sentence gets finished. Let's just say It has been an effective deterent to people showing their stupidity.