Monday, October 26, 2009

It's All So Different Now...

Why is it that EVERYTHING is different once you loose your baby mid-pregnancy? I think people assume it is just the sadness of the loss that consumes you. Instead, I am coming to find that every waking moment has the potential to bring a rush of sadness and pain.  Until now, I didn't realize how many little things I did in a day to ensure my comfort and the safety of my little one.
Everything in the list below has occured today and caused me to physically pause and take note of the baby's absence, my sadness, my emptiness. I find my day is moving forward, but not on normal time. It is being spent in small, jerking moments of reflection - as I realize that I do not need to think of or do these simple things anymore. 
THIS day-to-day task list represents the real pain that lies in wait for me - and this is only through 1 PM:
  • In the morning - I don't need to carefully choose pants and shirt that still fit.
  • I don't need to be sooooo careful on the house stairs.
  • Not eating a healthy breakfast may or may not leave me starving by lunch. Do I still need to pack a snack for 3 PM?
  • At the office - I used to take the elevator, not the marble winding staircase that is falling hazard galore.
  • I usually don't eat the tuna they make at the office cafe - who knows how old it is (even though it is probably safe, and is very yummy)
  • I never choose cold cuts in the cafe, unless I know I can get them microwaved first
  • I don't eat too many sweets/carbs, don't want gest. dia.betes - guess that's not too likely now
  • I answer the call from the Dr's office re: how I'm doing, then cancel 2 other no-longer-needed appointments *sigh*
  • I hit my tummy on the desk and flinch out of habit *sigh* now it just feels like a normal tummy
  • I get asked about the baby, and then kindly untell 3 or 4 people at the office**. Then I feel I need to apologize for making them sad. *sigh*
  • I get very sad at the prospect of no other children, so I Google for options regarding next steps (when I would rather look for baby gear instead)
  • I dry tears for the 14 millionth time since I lost our little one...
I know that things will get easier as I work these daily habits out of my life. I also realize that some things will never be the same.
I am trying really hard not to focus too much on why I'm having to do the things I'm having to do to make plans for the future. I do need to know what I want to do next. I need a Plan to feel secure that it will all be OK eventually. I need somewhere soft to land - somewhere with some hope.
**Since our loss I have threatened one or two people about statments that started off "It will be OK. You are still...". I have promised to break arms if the sentence gets finished. Let's just say It has been an effective deterent to people showing their stupidity.


Furrow said...

Oh no they haven't! People are really trying to tell you not to worry about this? Shame on them. Why can't people just acknowledge grief? I'm so glad you're standing up for yourself.

My loss was so early that it doesn't campare to yours, but even now, 8 weeks later, there are little reminders of what was and might have been that make me sad. I am so sorry that you are going through this and will continue to go through it for a long time.

JJ said...

Sweetie, I am so, so sorry for your loss....thinking of you and your family.

Delenn said...

I am so sorry for you loss. Wishing you peace and healing.

Aunt Becky said...

I can't imagine. I simply can't imagine. And I'm so sorry.

Rach said...

Nothing I say will help ease your pain or take away the hurt.

And as for the sentence that daren't be finished, it does not matter what you still are or are not, it does not change the fact that you've lost your baby and that should be the only focus at the moment.

Big hugs and I hope the pain fades quickly, she will always be in your heart xxxx

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. Thinking of you.

MrsSpock said...

Having to "untell" ourselves seems more painful than having to "untell" other people. Oy.

I'm a planner too, when the stuff hits the fan. Having some kind of options seems more comforting, even if they are hard, than staring into the empty beyond..


Stacie said...

I've been thinking of you so much.

Taking things one day at a time is all you can ask of youself right now--even though sometimes one minute at a time seems like too much. Hugs.

Miss K said...

I am so very sorry. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

tootertotz said...

Here from LFCA.

I am so sorry for your loss. I have been there with a tiny bit of a twist (our girl died at 14w1d and I had to deliver b/c we were too far along to safely manage a surgery) and know how badly it sucks. Hang in will get better in time.

Feel free to email or comment at my blog if you want to share your feelings...sometimes it helps to have an empathetic ear and sometimes it doesn't.

I hope you can find your peace in this tragedy somehow.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Lots of hugs.

Blondie said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you must be feeling. Thinking of you!