Sunday, December 12, 2010


Bea over at Infertile Fantasies sparked my interest in finally penning a blog post that's been rolling around in my head. The idea finally took shape, so here goes...

I took Miss M to do a sleep study a few weeks back - she was breathing funny. Not a ha ha kind of funny, unfortunatly.

The technician at the sleep center was extremely easy to get to know, and we shared a lot of ancedotes and personal histories over our few hours of interaction. Somewhere in the night, I'm guessing it was about 3 AM, Miss M lost patience with the test equipment, unwrapped her head, and pulled two of her leads off. It was time to feed her too, so the technician came back in to reattach it to Miss M while I soothed her with a bottle.

Since the re-attaching process takes a while, we talked a bit more about whatever. Something I said about feeding Miss M sparked a question that I thought to ask her about raising her own kids... I was confident she did, given the info she'd shared. So I asked the standard lead-in, "Do you have kids?" And you know what? I saw it... Just a millisecond of emotion crossed her face, but it told her whole story. I immediately felt horrible for asking, damn infertility... I didn't know what story would unfold, if any, but was willing to listen or not, as she chose.

The technician went on to tell me, that she'd adopted 2 wonderful children, and raised them as her own. She'd aparently adopted them after their infancy, so she'd missed out on the basic task I was performing - feeding and holding my infant. She never showed me her pain again - she didn't lament the missed infancy. She was matter-of-fact about it, bright even, and didn't share her story. The instant of pain that crossed her face will likely alway stick with me. It spoke to me, like no words could. The handshake was made, but it left me wishing I could have shared more of my journey with her and visa versa. I think it would have made for a nice evening of sharing with a sister-in-IF.

On the flip-side...

At Jim's daycare Friday, the center director was admiring Miss M, and talking openly about her thoughts on having another child. She's entering 40 this year, and would have to have a tubal reversal to try to conceive naturally. She knows how we had Jim, our nameless angel, and Miss M, so she asked what it was like for us. I was kinda surprised she asked, since another daycare mother was standing with us. I don't care about sharing, but some people are easily shocked...

Before I could answer though, the Director turned to look at Jim and said, "Jim is just so beautiful! And Miss M looks just like him!" To which I laughingly replied, "I have 3 more of him in the freezer if you want'em! Ha!". OMG! Did that just fall out of my mouth? Ha! Yep! I looked quickly at the other daycare Mom... and I saw the knowing look in her eye as she said, "I have one like ____ in the freezer myself!". Handshake offered by accident, and heartily returned.

Maybe she and I will be friends, maybe we won't, but after giving me her ART elevator-pitch she introduced herself, and her daughter. It doesn't change a thing, but it's nice to know.

Sigh... I'm thinking about whether I want to truly jump into the IF support world of Resolve or not. I think if I'd found them while I was still in the trenches I'd have been on that wagon in a heartbeat. Now, I'm not sure. I'm kinda ready to leave it behind a bit. I almost NEED to move on. There are a few friends I've made here that haven't finished their own journies yet. I'm thinking when they are done I'll be done too. I need to see it through for them, to be there to talk, share, support, and comment. Does that make sense? What do you think you'd do?


HereWeGoAJen said...

I'm kind of with you. I feel like I need to move on too and leave the past behind me. Of course, we aren't DONE done, so I could be in for it all again and that might change my mind. And I still have one friend that I can't leave behind.

BigP's Heather said...

I would love to move on. But since we want a second child I can't. And that sucks. It feels unhealthy to be stuck here.

Just drop by and let us know how you guys are doing, ok?

Bea said...

Finally getting around to leaving you a comment! I am bad, bad at these things these days.

Sounds like you handled those "handshake" situations well, and it will be interesting to learn how things develop.

The last paragraph: yes, there is an extent to which you should... not leave things behind, perhaps (some things will come with you), but move on to the next step. And for some, in some ways staying with resolve or whatever will be counterproductive. That said, it doesn't mean you need to have NO involvement whatever - you might be able to find a balance where you do some things, especially specific things which play up the bits you want to keep and remember from your infertility days.

As for friends, that's different - you have more of an obligation to give of yourself there, although again it can be hard to find the balance even with the best intentions especially with "real life" going on in the background. But in an ideal world etc (like, how, in an ideal world I wouldn't only now be commenting on just this post...)