Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Maybe this is my own form of "What IF?"...

You know me a little... I'm normally mostly upbeat, right?  So, how do I ever explain? 
Explain being sad, and yet happy at the same time?
Explain that infertility stole the happiness of this pregnancy from you. You can't help but think of the other 6 pregnancies that didn't work out.
Explain that in your heart you knew this baby was a girl, but you were scared shitless when it was confirmed because you lost your last little girl in the 2nd trimester.
Explain that imagining delivering early seems like a good idea at times, only because it'd get your baby out of your wonky body and into more capeable hands faster?
Explain that you sometimes have to fake being excited, just so you don't stress out your well-meaning family and friends.
Explain that you feel like the last 7 years of your life have been dedicated to having babies, and that really, you are done hearing how you need to eat this, do that, don't do this - you want your freakin' body back. And, Dr Wonderful, I'm sorry if you want blood checks from me 4 times a day, I don't give a flying Fuck - deal with it.
See... you can't... not really. And it isn't even every day that really feel this way - it is only some of these items on some days, and others on other days. Also, you can't show your ass everytime someone wishes you well. So, you just suck it up and prepare to slog through the remaining 10 wks.
Oh yeah, when you see the neighbor and her little girl out for a stroll, the one that was born the same week your little lost soul was due, you are thankful to God that there are strangers standing nearby. It's so you can't lay down in your driveway and cry like a baby. Or worse yet, run screaming out in the street to tell her how it is all OK, because you are soon due with another girl. Sigh.
Yeah... I've got issues - they normally lurk farther under the surface. recently for some reason they are popping up like dandelions. I think it might actually be from the greatly-increased Synthroid...  They've double it over the last 3 months. I cut back 1 level last week, and I'm feeling much better... So, gotta talk to them about that on Thurs.  Also, I've called my OB and asked for a referral for someone to talk to. I just have to get feeling better before my little girl arrives... No reason for her to have to live in this sad and dark place with me.



Heather said...

Sorry I didn't comment sooner. I keep reading this and wanting to say something supportive and loving and just the right words to make you feel better - but I don't know what they are....

I just keep thinking that you don't owe anyone an explanation - and most people won't get it anyways cause we haven't been in your shoes.

I hope you are able to see someone to talk these things out. Not just for your little girl - but for you too.

Thinking of you!

ME Gregory said...

I get it - not quite as much as you've been thru but 5+ years, 5 pg's with one lovely toddler. This stuff still comes back up at me now even that I'm supposed to be happy when I see others get what IF made so hard for me so easy. I could go on & on, but just know I truly get it and think you have a great plan for addressing it.

Best of luck - it is so wonderful that you will get to enjoy a little girl - Jim is so cool and now you get to do all the girlie stuff too - clothes are awesome as I'm sure you've discovered! :-)

MrsSpock said...

Now that I am starting a new job, and everyone wants to give their congrats and tell their happy stories- and I just keep mum and try not to be a Debbie Downer- it is hard. Kind of throws ice water on a conversation to say pregnancy is a scary thing for you, that you have been followed by 4 doctors so far, and that being past the 1st trimester means nothing when your body is a POS, and your neuro issues can flare to a scary level after the baby is born.

Yes, I too want this baby out as soon as he or she is baked. trying to convince my OB week 38 is good and plenty.