Thursday, February 3, 2011

What's The Deal?

I have a few things I'd like to understand better...

Why is it that I can't seem to stop reading blogs about babyloss? Why must I know the details of these poor people's stories? Why?

I just don't get what is in me that makes me go of on tangets that I KNOW are about babies lost during pregnancy or just after. I don't know what it is. Is it a fear that I'll loose Miss M? Is it some sort of odd tourture? Is it a "What if?" issue for me that never was resolved when I lost my daughter at 15wks gestation last year?

Sometimes I think it is because I am still so scared that I will loose Jim or more likely Miss M. That fear never seems to leave me, and I think it is more present now that I've experienced a mid-term loss.

Right now, Miss M is sleeping peacefully in her rocker, right beside me, and I am crying uncontrollably over someone's loss. I am living their pain. Why?

I think my time online reading blogs is growing shorter as a result of these painful forays. I know that about 1/2 the time I get online I'm going to find that a friend or one of their friends needs my support due to a loss... I wonder if I'm starting to wear out emotionally. Maybe not so much "wear out", but maybe the borders are getting blurred between my life and all those out there hurting. I think I'm internalizing their pain and their stories.

Does anyone else do this? Do you have thoughts about it?


BigP's Heather said...

It is so hard. I read the Lost and Found and want to offer my love and support. Someone once said something along the lines of people came initially and then disappeared and the grief process lasts longer and they still needed support. So it is a thin line.

Sometimes I don't click over. Sometimes I just stop and pray for that person right then and there. Sometimes I click over and say something. Sometimes I click over and realize this isn't someone I want to read longterm so I don't say anything. Sounds kind cruel typing that out but I have to protect myself. I have followed some people that I met through loss and dearly love them but I just can't do that with every one.

It is hard because you take their grief and carry it also. You cry with them and hurt for them and it is in no way near what they are feeling but it is pain for them. That is a lot to take on.

HereWeGoAJen said...

I've done that too. I think it is partially because of empathy, we actually have felt that kind of pain. And I also think that some of it is still working through my old pain.

sharah said...

I do it too. I think it's a way for me to process my fears about losing Mini without having to face them directly.

MrsSpock said...

I focus on the friends I interact with online- but try not to get swept over into clicking on links. It fills me with fear, and i find I need to keep my mind uncluttered with that right now. When your cup runneth over- that is the time to expand out. For me, my work is full of other people's terrible problems, my family and friends have their own griefs, and giving too much is not good for body or soul.

Bea said...

I think in some ways it's a type of processing of your own grief and/or a releasing of your own fears. But you also need to keep a sense of perspective on it - at some point, more as time goes by, you need to become aware of the space between your life and the life of the person you are sympathising with. In fact, gaining this awareness can often mean you are better at giving support to them, and can give it more continually. Because you do also have to be careful not to become completely overwhelmed (overwhelmed in the moment is ok, but overwhelmed so it affects your ability to function in life is too much - the line is in there somewhere).


Anonymous said...

I tend to balance my blog reading with happy/humorous/sad. I sometimes avoid the sad ones just because I'm having a hard time with things myself.

Look forward to reading more of your blog!

Your February Secret Pal...

PS-I used to live where you are!