Mother's Day Manifesto

This weekend marks my first Mother's Day where I will, me, myself most likely actually finally be a Mom. This of course assuming nothing horribly bad happens between now and then to change my Mom status.

I'm inspired by Julie's Mother's Manifesto to think about the kind of Mom I plan to be for Jim. Some of the things I am so totally going to steal from her list, only because they truly apply to me as well, but try not to hold it against me. :)

I will use cliches to explain my reasons for doing things. It is my right as a parent. However, I will try very hard not to say " because I said so".

If you embarrass me in public I will embarrass you right back - and I'm going to be creative about it!

Mostly I'll know when you're lying.

I will always take your side but it might not always look that way.

You will think I'm a dork but your friends will think I'm cool. Trust me on this.

I will hold you while you sleep for as long as you will let me.

I will not display any photo of you that showcases your full frontal nudity, no matter how gloriously proud I am of your elephantine genitalia.

Most of the time I'll be laughing with you. Oh, sure, sometimes I'll be laughing at you, but I will not make it obvious.

I will tell your Nana every silly or crazy little thing you do for as long as she is willing to sit and listen to it. She deserves to get some enjoyment from seeing me slowly tortured into grey hair.

I will mess with you. A lot. I consider it the best way to raise you to deal with the fuck-with-your-mind kind of world we live in. I will blow in your face to watch that bewildered squinty look that babies get when they feel that single surprising puff. When you cry, I will gently and rhythmically tap my hand over your mouth, so that you make that "ah-uh-ah-uh-ah-uhbahbahbahbahbah" indian chief noise, perhaps surprising you out of your wailing but at the very least entertaining myself enough to endure it.

No, we will not get rid of the cat if he bites you. Do you think it was a good idea to pull his tail? I wonder if you'll do it again.

I will surely annoy you by singing made-up words to songs. I do it on purpose. If you can't beat me — and on this, my dear, you cannot — I surely hope you'll join me.

I will get on to you about your grades, but I will explain why.

Knowing your extended family well will be mandatory. We will spend all our holidays with them. You will thank me later.

Even though I hope it is a skill you never need to survive by, I will teach you to grow your own food.

I will make sure you know how to fire, clean and store a gun properly. If you want to learn to hunt I will let you. I believe gun safety can save your life, because guns aren't a forbidden fruit.

I will send you to live on our farm during the summer when you are a pre-teen. There is no greater teacher than nature.

If you are interested in cars we will restore one together.

I will explain girls to you early on - they really shouldn't be such a mystery. :)

I will try to make sure you have the confidence to wear pink and know that it looks amazing on you.

Slow dancing is a lost art I will teach you. It will make you a chick-magnet on the dance floor.

If you want to know what beer tastes like before you are 21 I won't keep you from trying it. However, I won't abide you getting drunk out with your friends. If you drink and drive even once I will take your car and sell it. Period.

I will always want to hold you and get a snuggle.

I will try to remember not to say no unless it matters.

I will get in the floor and wrestle with you for as long as I am physically able.

I will send you outside to play.

I will restrict the amount of TV you watch. There is a reason they call it the "boob tube".

I may not accomplish all of these things, but I will do my best for you. All of the above statements are my plans to teach you about the world around you while challenging you and make you confident and strong. Never forget the most important thing of all... I love you, my son, my boy, my wonder and joy. You made me a Mom. Thank you.