Numbers Update...

Beta is now 7966.

Not quite doubled, but close. Up from 4500. The Dr. says this is OK, and should ease most of my worries. They said it does not have to be exactly double.

Probably not twins, or it would have gone up over double with no problems. Happy if I can just have one - just one.

RE is moving my US up from next Friday to this Friday to help ease my worries.

I'm worried because I have had quite a bit of pain and spotting since last night at about 9 PM. I am told not to worry, and not to borrow trouble, but I just want to lay down and cry my eyes out.

No, it won't help, and my face will look like crap, but I am finding I am losing the battle against this storm of emotions.

I do not want to loose this baby, but I also don't want to hold out too much hope on keeping a baby that just will not be.

Very sad today... Very sad indeed.

Feeling The Love!

Hey guys, I feel so blessed... I'm feeling the love from so many people already. I can't quit tearing up everytime I think about it.

Love You Guys!!!

Kristy, thanks for asking, I forgot to tell you what DPO I'm on!

DPO = 22

We are still cautiously optimistic, but verging on really excited! I'm trying not to hold my breath until tomorrow, but it is so hard! Waiting is sooo frustrating and yet so exciting! I think Susan explained the feelings so clearly in her post princess smartypants: Joy and Fear.

And The Number Is.....

I got my beta HCG back - it is 4358!!!!!

WHOA!!!! It is supposed to be something like 1800, but it is more than double! Whoo Hoo!

OK, OH BOY, OK.....

*breathing heavily w/ head down, hands on knees*


So, we go back to the RE's office on Wednesday for a follow-up HCG. If all goes well, the number will continue to double, and we will be moved to OB status!!

I can't believe it...

Hubby and I are happy, but trying to reserve our excitement until we know more. He agreed that I could post the news for all of you to see, so be sure to thank the hubby! :)

For my real-world friends DD and S&S thanks for the reserved-yet-excited support!!! I know you have been pulling for me - we just may get our wish!

Whew, OK - gonna go drink some water, and take a vitamin! :)


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If you know me - in the real-world - this news is NOT to be shared at this point. We are still cautiously optomistic. So, if you know, you are one of those chosen special few. :)

You want the Good news, or the Bad news first?

I have been living it up, see I've Had Some FUN ... I have been a good baaaad girl. :)

Have you ever taken an HPT sort-of out of spite? Well, I did Friday night, and my body got me good!!!!

Yep, got the BFP!!!

That's right - I bawled my eyes out when 2 very sharp lines popped up immediately!!!!!!

I took the test because I was mad at hubby (for no reason), cranky as all get-out, and my boobs felt like they were gonna explode if I so much as touched them. So - I took an HPT sort-of out of spite - to prove to my body that it should STOP IT ALREADY!

So, how did I break the happy news?

Instead of being happy, I fumbled my way down the stairs and through the hall, unable to see through the tears. I cried all over a very confused hubby. I think Blubbering Idiot would best describe my method of telling him. He couldn't understand why I wasn't ecstatic! He was, to tell you the truth, quite scared by my reaction.

He became more scared when I poured out all the awful things I had been up to over the past week. Let me tell you, he looked shocked! He knows how restrained I have been since we started this IF journey...

Once I had calmed down, we had a nice long talk about all the things I had been doing... He was sooo sweet! He helped me think through how many vitamins I had skipped, then he helped me search through the pantry to figure out if I had accidentally eaten enough Folic Acid. We looked up the grams of caffeine you can have, and both just we wrote off the alcohol as spilt milk (pun intended).

And, I explained that having my period means it probably wouldn't survive, so we will have to possibly "do something" to avoid ectopic complications. And I just don't WANT to do this all again... Some of you know all too well that being a little pregnant can be much worse than not being pregnant at all. :(

I called my RE's office on Saturday morning - they do procedures on weekends, but don't do betas. I got nowhere with them, so I had to wait until today. I'm now waiting for the HCG results...

I am looking for my results to be in the 1000 range if all is OK.

Let this story be a lesson to all of you out there in Blogland... Don't Let this Happen To You!!

Get a Beta ANYWAY!!!

I've Had Me Some FUN!!!!

Well ladies, for the last few days I have done nothing but what I wanted to... I have been the anti-pregnant lady!!

Here's a small list of the things I have done:
- I skipped prenatal vitamins
- Ate dark chocolate like it was going out of style
- Drank 4 wine coolers (Parrot Bay)
- Stayed up late
- Ate pizza twice
- Ate real Mac and Cheese (a weakness of mine)
- Changed the cat box and cleaned the floor under it (Eewwwww!)

I've been living it up - with the exception of the cat box of course! :)

What's The Plan??

Well, Hubby and I have come up with a plan... We are going to take a few months off of the roller coaster and try to get into better shape physically.

Right now, we are both considerably overweight and I have borderline high blood sugar. In addition, I have a Thyroid issue that I take meds for daily. So, we need to focus on ourselves a bit more, and make sure that being unhealthy isn't what is causing our issues.

We do not want to quit altogether, we just need a break. Also, we are going to look into adoption if after we shape up the ART methods don't work.

SO, WE HAVE A PLAN and I feel better about life.

Thank you everyone for all of your support over the last few days. It means a lot to me! :)

Dawn

Anyone Got A Fork Handy???

Anyone got a fork handy??? I think I'm almost done....

- - - - - WARNING - - - - - PITTY PARTY BELOW - - - - -

I got the bad news tonight that Aunt Flow is here for a visit, she showed up today with her bags in hand. No warning, just showed up on my doorstep 3 days early.

I just want to crawl into bed and cry for a few days. I sure wish I could take the time for it. However, we have plans this weekend for every day but Sunday. I really don't feel up to being social... I know it will be good for me...

I just don't understand what is wrong... Why? Why can't we can't we have children?? What in world is the reasoning behind it? I just want to SCREEEEEEAM!!!!!!!

I don't think I have the gumption to do this... I think it is too much to ask that I get my heart broken every 28 days.

The reality is that I just feel beat down, overworked, stressed out, fat and getting fatter, under appreciated and I don't feel good about being me. I just wanna go home to Mom and have her make it all better, but I know I can't do that either.

I sure hope someone else finds that baby-dust fairy this month... Once you are done celebrating your joy, kick her in the ass for me, huh? Tell her I'm sick and tired of patiently waiting my turn only to have my heart broken into itty bitty bits.

Can one of you get me an extra-large box of Kleenex while you are out?? I've been going through too many lately to mess with these little square boxes.

My Mom always tells me, "Life isn't fair". Why the hell didn't she tell me the truth of it, "Life sucks".

Fucking Period - Fucking Crying - Fucking Shots - Fucking Heartbreak - Fucking Hate This!!!

Another 2WW Update...

I realized I didn't answer an important question in my last post - WHEN DO I TEST???

Sorry about that... I test this Sunday. I must say, for once I'm not looking forward to it. This cycle is scary because I am nearing the end of my TTC rope, and not sure what happens if I let go of it.

Right now, it looks like hubby and I will go for 2 more rounds of Follistim, at the most. After that we may have another discussion about IVF or we may start looking for a child to adopt. Not sure right now, but we know we are not going to do IF treatments indefinitely.

So, I'm not looking forward to this weekend. I'm not optimistic about it. I think it is just going to be more sadness, maybe more like a letdown.

Sorry for all the Eeyore pessimism, but that's how I feel at the moment.

Dawn

2WW Update...

Just an update on the 2 week wait...

This morning, as I was stumbling sleepily into the bathroom, hubby said the strangest thing, "When will we know?" I really had NO idea what he meant - I must have been sleep-walking. I mumbled, "wha?" and then caught his meaning... He was surprised I had forgotten that we were in the dreaded 2WW!

I assured him I hadn't forgotten, I was just dead tired...

I haven't noticed anything unusual this cycle, and I'm feeling about normal (other than being tired from travelling). So, nothing to report really. I'm hoping that with all the weirdness I usually have that this is a good sign! :)

I've been catching up on your blogs and crossing my fingers for you guys!

Hang in there!

Dawn

I'm Back...

Thank you to all of you for your condolences. Even though I didn't respond on my blog, I was reading my mail and feeling the love.

There was a large crowd of friends and family - all well-loved by this wonderful woman. We will surely miss her. I got my chance to say goodbye, so to speak, and I was very glad to be there to send her off.

We had a beautiful day for Granny's funeral - sunny, blue sky, a slight chill in the air, a small bit of wind, and just enough clouds to make the sky pretty. The cemetery is high on a wheat-yellowed hill near our family farm - such a beautiful place.

After the funeral we went over to the farm and had a potluck dinner supplied by my cousin's church. The food was great, as all Southern Cooking is, and the company was all family and close friends. It was so nice to come in from the stress of the funeral and just relax with familiar people and surroundings.

I was glad to have time off from work to be there to support my mom when she really needed all her kids around. We laughed, joked and told stories as usual, but there was a special purpose in it - to reconnect, to support, to soothe.

Thanks again for all your support,

Dawn

Gonna Miss You Granny...

Ladies, this one is kinda sad, but I feel I need to write about it...

My Granny passed away tonight. She was 88 years old.

Before you say it - I know she is in a better place, and this was best, but it sure hurts me to the depth of my soul to have to let her go.

I have known this was coming for quite some time, as she has been headed downhill for the last several months. But, if you have ever experienced a loss after a lingering illness, you know how it is still very hard, even though it is for the best. I was steady in knowing that she would go soon, but I believe a hundred years could go by and I would still not be ready for it.

My Granny was one of a kind - thoughtful, kind, beautiful, short at 5 feet (but she grew when she was mad), a great story-teller, a good accomplice, always a good Christian, a good mother, a wonderful grandmother, a spectacular great-grandmother and the best back-scratcher I have ever known.

This woman put me to a peaceful sleep so many times, with the rhythmic sweep of her hand absently scratching my back, while she chatted away with the family ladies over some recent news or other. She never let up or missed a beat. The drone of the ladies chatting and the rhythmic sweep, sweep - it was as normal as breathing.

For all my years she has been the owner of the Christmas task "Names on the door", which is how she welcomed newcomers to the family - whether born or wed. She made SURE everyone you knew you were part of the family. She would purchase canned spray-snow and would write the name of the newcomer on the farmhouse door - so that when the family arrived they saw that you were an "official" member of the family.

Her two most famous lines are "Hello, Baby" and "Wuv Vu". How can two short lines sum up all her love for me any more clearly? At 33 years old those are the lines she greets me and leaves me with. I am still, and will always be, the baby.

She is the only person that says my name right D A W N, not Don. When people ask how to say my name - I tell them how she says it, and it makes everyone laugh. You see, she has a very country accent, and stretches out the "A" sound, and is sure to completely say the "W". I would have to demonstrate for the full effect.

She and my Grandaddy (he passed away several years ago) raised 3 children on a farm. They started out as share-croppers and worked their way to owning their own 250 acre farm. The family still owns the farm, and the farmhouse is lived in by my cousin.

Every year we have Christmas, Thanksgiving and all the other major holidays at the farm. It is a family staple, a tradition, a beacon to us to gather and be recharged with family love. I was probably 18 when I realized for the first time that other people I knew didn't have a family farm and some didn't have a huge loving family to commune with. It dawned on me that I had a Norman Rockwell portrait of my very own - the perfect jumble of silliness, quirkiness and outright love. I had taken it for granted for 18 years.

The only unresolved pain I have over it all is that, of all the female grandchildren I am the only one that never got to show her a prized great-grandchild. I know I can't beat myself up over this, and it does no good to say "what if" because it is too late. So, I am resolved to cast up my prayer to her when I am pregnant, and on that day I will be happy and know that she knows the news.

When my baby is born, I will hear voice say to my baby, "Ohhhh, what a beeeauuutiful baaaaby" and know that she is with me. I will know that Grandaddy is pulling back the corner to peak at the bundle in the blanket - I will see that big grin of his. I will know that they are together, happy, and very proud of me.

I am gonna miss you Granny. Wuv Vu!

O - Ouch - Ouch - Ouch - Ouch - Oh Ouch!

Last night I decided this has to be the last round, 'cause that F'ing hurt! Tell me ladies, has this ever happened to you??

You're wondering what, right?

Well, either I ovulated or someone snuck in and ripped out my ovaries while I was napping.

I am one of those lucky people that can feel ovulation. If you can't, consider yourself pretty lucky. Typically it is just uncomfortable for a few hours, then it suddenly hurts in sharp pangs for about 30 mins, then I am fine. Sometimes I don't feel it at all...

Last night was the exception to beat all exceptions!!!

About 5 PM I started having the uncomfortable O feelings - sort-of felt bloated and such.

By 7 PM I was having very strong pangs and they kept getting stronger and more insistent.

I was watching the SuperBowl, so I was able to distract myself from some of the pain. However, when I got up for a bio break I found that I could barely walk because I was in such pain!

By 8:30 PM I was in such pain that I was wincing and moaning during the worst of it. A couple of times I thought I was going to burst into tears. Sweet hubby decided we needed to go to the emergency room... Instead I had him go upstairs and get my Tylenol for me, in the vain hope that it would help with the pain. NOT!

By the time we got into bed (about 10:30) I was starting to feel better - the pain was mostly gone, but the area around each of my ovaries was very tender.

I was dreading today... The good news is that I am only slightly uncomfortable, none of the real pain has remain. Whew!

On we go!

CD 10 News, UIU on CD 11, and a clown...

Yesterday I went in for a follow-up US and more blood work - Yay. Not.

I was even more of a star pupil today! I had a toal of 11 - count'em 11 eggs!!!!! Hubby asked if we were going to have an automatic baseball team... I laughed pretty hard at that, and if I hadn't had a talk with the RE nurse already I would have been just a little scared!

Nope, no baseball team - only 6 of the eggs are mature enough to be viable. So they have scheduled my IUI for tomorrow to ensure that no additional ones are able to get mature enough to use.

It was explained to me that anything over 6 eggs was a concern, because we REALLY aren't trying for triplets. There are too many complications to name when you hit that level. I am not saying I wouldn't welcome and want 3 children - No, but the health of the children and mother are at stake when you get above 2. Also, I would not look forward to a few months of bed rest - I am very fidgety when I'm bored. :)

As for the IUI, we did that today... Hubby and I have a now-standard IUI joke, wherein I say to Dr. Whoever, "Where are my clowns?", to which the Dr. usually looks surprised and unsure of how to respond. My hubby and I just laugh because he obviously doesn't know about the Clown study.

Try this out on your Dr. it is a lot of IUI fun to watch their reactions. :)

This time though, the joke was on us... It turns out this Dr. took the study results in stride, and he has a keen sense of humor. He was a COMPLETE HOOT! He told us a completely politically incorrect, yet true, story about his daughter and a "talking" car. He told it using his homeland Cuban accent (which was totally absent before the joke). He had us rolling - I think I shed tears I was laughing so hard.

We had such fun talking over his routine after he left... All it took was just a minute more of his time, but it set my mind at ease. :) He said, "There you go! If you get pregnant we will have completed our study of one!".

THANKS DOC FOR TAKING THE TIME TO MAKE ME LAUGH!!!!!!

We go in tomorrow for a follow-up IUI. Send In The Clowns!!!

Wedding remembrance...

I was struck tonight by a powerful post by Baby Blue Wedding in Cana. She has captured a new-to-me lesson from the first miracle of Jesus. She talks of Mary asking Jesus to turn water to wine,

"So she had encouraged Him to do some significant work - to do a great miracle. But He said, “No!” His greater miracles would come later. This is a great lesson for us. God does not perform miracles just any time, according to our desires, or when we want them. God plans His miracles. Even though Jesus was unwilling to do exactly what Mary wanted, Jesus was still willing to help, and Mary knew it."

BB goes on to say, "Jesus was prepared to help, not according to Mary’s plan, but according to what fit the purpose of God. God does the same thing for each of us. We may be discouraged, feeling unloved, or feeling all alone, but Jesus has not ignored us. He may be saying, “Not yet! This is not the best time. “I will accomplish it another way.” God is in the business of answering our prayers. Sometimes the answer is, “No” and other times the answer is, “I will do it another way.”

I have to admit, my faith in Jesus is no where near what it once was. I think maybe my wine has run completly dry and I am foolishly looking for a miracle to restore it. However, Jesus is trying to prove anything to me, nor is he working at my command. He has his own scheudule, and here I am without faith that he cares for me. He asks that we have faith... I'm going to need to ask him to help me find mine.

Thanks Baby Blue - for posting your message. It was like you were talking to me, right to my heart.

CD 9 Update - Almost There....

Thanks to everyone for the words of encouragement!! It is so good to know you all are there rooting for me!

I did my CD 9 blood work today, it took 4 sticks, but I was in such a good mood I didn't mind. Why, you ask??

Because today they found 4 more follicles!! 3 on the left and 1 on right!!! Whooo Hooo!! I'm an egg-producing machine! The blood work came back as good - good E2, and not about to ovulate on my own. I'm liking it!!

Ok, so no, I'm not getting my hopes all outta whack. I'm just happy that I CAN make more than 1 good egg. I am so darned excited to be responding to something!!!!!!

I feel like I can make it to the end of this cycle now without complaining so much. If it doesn't work I think I will be OK because I am making progress.

OK - that's all, gotta get to bed - up early for more blood draws, mmmmmm yummy.