Sunday, July 8, 2007

Boob Pain, Birthdays, Fears and Friends Who Understand - good times!

Tonight we had dinner with our best friends, it was Big B's birthday, DD's hubby. We had a wonderful time at the local Fondue place - 3 course dinner, mmmmmmm! I was soooo hungry, which I haven't been as much lately.

We kept the topic mostly about the beach and such until the conversation turned to RE's, pregnancy and fears.

DD has just had her first IUI and is to get her results this week on Wednesday. We are all hoping they will get some good news so she and I can go through this PG thing together. Our hubbies have started joking that they will move into DD's house together and move DD to my house until the 9 month ride is over. :)

The conversation was light and silly until we started talking of fears... I am still very afraid something is going to go wrong. We went over the things that we have gone through and how it makes you very cautious, and how we feel cheated. Other people in my situation would be jumping for joy and telling everyone they know, but I have to be scared and cautious to keep my heart whole.

It was so nice to be with people who truly understand why we are still not considering ourselves truly and fully pregnant. We aren't planning anything yet, and it seems all 4 of us are holding our collective breath. DD and I have planned a shopping trip after I get that 1st major US milestone under my belt.

I had already told DD the following, so we didn't discuss this at dinner, but a couple of things over the last 2 days have left me quite scared indeed. I have been having pain on my left side, right where my ectopic pregnancy hurt last time. I am terrified that this pregnancy is attached to the stub from my ectopic. Last night I felt a lump under the skin in the location of the pain. I am terrified I tell you...

I called my REs office today and left a message, but got no callback. I am going to drop by in the morning, I think, to tell them what is going on and see if they want to do a quick US peak and maybe another beta.

The other scary thing is reading blogs... There are so many things that go wrong with people's pregnancies, including mine. Reading your stories is actually scaring me at the moment. I have caught up with many of your blogs, but I seem to be unable to leave any comments. I feel disconnected, sad for everyone that is not pregnant this cycle, hurt for those who's recent pregnancies have ended, and t-e-r-i-f-i-e-d that I will read a similar story to mine and it will end badly.

I want to be there for every one of you, I really do. I am just not sure how to get past my roadblock. Maybe it will get easier as I pass some key milestones, but I can't be sure. It is like I am in limbo at the moment. I just want to go to sleep and wake up when there are real answers - I want to see what the end result is - I want to just know that it will be OK.

Sad, I know... I am trying to just make it one day at a time. I have 4 more days until my next beta (assuming they don't do one tomorrow). Just 8 more days until the first ultrasound. Just breathe...


CAM said...

The fears are what can drive you mad right now. When you read all the blogs you do get a sense of how many different issues people have etc. The best thing to keep in mind is that everyone has different problems and their problems are not yours. Try to keep your head focused on the good news of what is growing inside of you right now! If the doc gives you good news or numbers than just focus on that. As you read the blogs there are just as many good stories as there are bad! I am reading yours and feeling hopeful for my own outcome.
So, here's to some good boob pain and maybe some nausea!! Smile and be positive! :)

Amy R said...

Hi Dawn,
You shouldn't worry yourself about commenting/reading blogs if you are not up for it. All that should matter to you right now is you, your sanity, and your bean in the belly. All the blog stuff will be here when you feel like you're ready :)

Samantha said...

I really hope there are no problems for you. Pregnancy is very scary and I know you've experienced some of what can go wrong. I completely understand if you can't look at others' blogs at the moment. Focus on what you need to do toward the ultrasound and we'll be here with you.

Gemini Girl said...

Until something comes up that tells you that there is a problem- do not stress yourself out. It's hard I know. I had bleedign in my 6th week and freaked out. Then I had the ultrasound a few days later and they were both there and I heard their heartbeats.
With regards to IVF, the risk of ectopics are pretty small because they place them in exactly the right position. I was worried about that myself since all of my scar tissue (from previous surgeries) would have been a major cause of worry with regards to ectopic. But thank GD once you see them on the screen and you know that they are positioned correctly-that is when you can rest easy. Us if's are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know I am.

Until you know for sure, try and take it easy.

You have come a long way and have much to be thankful for.

Anonymous said...

Instead of focusing on the problems of other pregnancies - how they went "bad", redirect your focus and search for the ones that turned out very well, without problems. It is quite easy to let fear overcome you by focusing on it and then letting it "snowball". Redirect your attention. Change your thoughts and your the way you feel about it will change. Good luck.
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