Acknowledgement is Priceless...

Serenity, over at Serenity Now! talked in her post about a fear that she and I seem to share. I didn't think this was a common fear, but just maybe it is... A fear of washing the baby's things before it gets here. Specifically, clothing.

See, I've been having the same fear since Thanksgiving, when we had our first (very early) baby showers. Since then I haven't been able to bring myself to wash anything... Especially clothes... A couple of weeks ago I managed to force 2 recieving blankets, 2 crib sheets and 1 "Ultimate Crib Sheet" past my fears. Pure logic took over in that debate - I needed these things as soon as baby was home, and I wouldn't feel like changing bedsheets. That's it though, and our baby is due in 3 wks or less.

It is a weird feeling though, because I can't figure out why I am behaving like this. There seems to be some deep-seated need to protect my child, maybe I'm trying to avoid cursing baby by taking it for granted that baby will survive. I guess when I think about it, it seems like our infertility struggles have left me feeling that everytime I get comfortable with some progress towards having a baby the worst happens. I guess you'd call it "gun shy" at this point.

I confessed this clothes washing issue/fear to my Mom, her friend, and my cousin this past weekend before the baby shower. My intention had been to have them descend upon the baby's room like a pack of crazed Moms, take the clothing and necessary things hostage, and force-wash them while I looked on in terror.

Instead, my Mom said something very comforting and really quite amazing... She said, I'll be here to do the washing for you, so if it doesn't feel OK to do it now I'll just do it later. There is no reason for you to force yourself to do something that feels uncomfortable or that makes you think you are "jinxing the baby's well being".

I tear up just thinking about it - my Mom hasn't always supported and understood the IF fears and pains, but she said it is OK for me to still be terrified that this won't work. She finally gets it, and that means alot.

I can't believe it... I'm crying simply because my Mom acknowledged that it is OK for me to be scared. This woman is so strong that it is never OK to be scared. Maybe she's been a little scared too?