Optimism? What's that?

Hubby and I had a long talk during a fabulous dinner... I told him about my secret. I do not and have not thought this cycle will work. It is almost like I am doing it just to get it out of they way. Just to say I tried. :(

I don't know why I am feeling this way. I mean really - we had two very strong, quite healthy embies during that ectopic episode. The RE's office was blown away that they were that strong and grew that much.

So, we know we CAN make good embies, they can even implant (in the wrong place) and grow.

Why am I so unsure of myself? Why am I doubting the outcome?

I think it is because I am battle hardened and yet still sore on the inside. Somehow I think it will be easier to deal with the loss of this IVF cycle if I am never excited about it working. Lame, but true...

Some of the ladies out there have reminded me through their posts this weekend that hope plays a role in success. Your body DOES respond to your moods. I just have to have hope. I just have to be positive. That doesn't mean it will work necessarily, but it will give me a better chance of getting what I want.

I think I'm going to do something VERY taboo this week... I think I am going to take a trip to the big baby-in-a-box store. I am going to buy the baby that will be something cute - something gender-neutral. Maybe I'll buy two... Just in case. I have always wanted to buy something for baby. I started to do so with the last PG, when we had made it to 6 wks I was going to let myself shop.

This time, I'm not waiting. I need something positive to focus my energy on... Maybe I can even get Hubby to come with me - that would be very pro-us, pro-family building don't you think? Taboos and jinxes aside...

I went for my 1st blood draw/E2 today. The number was 142, which they said was very good. I am to stay on my same doses of drugs. Tomorrow is my 1st US, Day 5 of stims. I'll let you guys know how it goes!

Oh yeah, I tried the hot compresses on my arm before the blood draw! The vein was easier to find, and she was able to draw blood out of my arm! Yippee!! No painful-as-all-getout- back-of-the-hand for me!!! Unfortunately, the water was a bit to hot, and left a big blotchy burn. LOL Oh well, ces't la vie! I'm all for eaisier blood draws though. I am going to try the trick again (with cooler water) tomorrow. We'll see how it goes, huh?