Vacation and 9dp3dt...

We're off for a week of sunsets over the ocean and sand on our toes!

Yes, I did another HPT this morning.... But, I can't compare the color darkness because I used a different kind of test.

HOWEVER, the kind of test I used was important because it makes a "positive" or plus sign instead of just 2 lines. Bo didn't like the lighter line on the last test, he just didn't trust it. THIS ONE makes a positive sign, and it was quite prominent. So, he was inclined to think that it really was more reliably positive than yesterday's result. :) Gotta love logical thought processes!

I'm going to be getting my betas while I'm at the beach next week - I've located a lab that can do the needed tests. So, I'll let you guys know how it goes when I get back!

I'm worried about my baby kitty Humphries, since he will be alone at home for the whole week. I'm not sure that he won't go a bit nuts thinking everyone has left him. I've got got a cat sitter coming to feed him daily. I've also friends that he loves setup to come over to give him some extra attention.

I've told them all that if he seems really upset or stressed to call me and we'll make a plan. He may need some kitty-prozac if he gets too freaked. My poor baby.

Well, I think that's it... The car is packed and Bo is getting restless. We'll see you all when I get back! Hopefully with good beta results!! :)

Um... Well... I peaked...

I know, I KNOW, I'm supposed to resist... I KNOW!!!

You see, tomorrow we are going on vacation for a week - a whole week at the beach. So, me being the frugal person that I am, I reasoned that HPTs would be more expensive at the beach. So, I got a 2-pack... Just for the savings, not to peak.

Well, I not only bought pregnancy tests, but I was callous enough to LEAVE THEM ON THE SINK right by the toilet all night. Yeah, like I was gonna resist them with them right there.

I even took measures to semi-sabotage my "wait until the date" efforts. I realized, to my horror, that this box has plastic wrap on the outside - much like a CD. I HATE getting CDs open, and I KNEW my bladder would not hold while I fumbled with the packaging when I did need to use one. So, I unwrapped the top of the box - for safety's sake, not because I was going to use them early. No, not me....

I usually don't peak, I swear!

Birthday packages? No Peaking!
Christmas presents? No Peaking!
Surprises from Bo? No Peaking!
8dp3dt? Yeah, I caved. Bigtime...

Bo was in the shower - not 2 feet from where I was breaking the golden rule of IF. Thou Shalt Not Peak!!

I knew I could break my own heart... This has been such a rough week with Cocoa and all. BUT I have been having twinges, a few cramps and crazy all day heartburn. Also, I realized it was Friday, and I would have to work all day today with whatever happiness/sadness this test would bring, but I HAD TO KNOW!

So, knowing Bo would kill me if he saw... I waited until I heard the water running for his shower. Then I went in and quietly opened the box and unwrapped the wrapper, all the while carrying on a conversation with him and acting like NO PEAKING was going on. I am GOOD I tell you.

I peed on the stick, put the cap back on, and watched the line of urine creep across the test. All of you know this is the LONGEST 5 seconds of your life!!

My heart jumped as I thought I saw a faint line as the urine moved past the "test" part of the stick - you know, where that fateful line needs to be. I was just SURE it was there, but it disappeared. Ladies, that is when I realized then how stupid it was to take a test at 8dp3dt. Man, what a dope.

I put the test on a piece of TP on the sink to let it sit for the minimum of 3 mins before I discarded the darned thing. I didn't want to look at it though... I hate it when all that stark whiteness stares back at me - daring me to inspect it more closely.
. 30 seconds

.

. 1 minute

.

. 1:30 seconds

. 2 minutes

I washed my hands, petted Humphries and talked to BO. When he got out of the shower I went over to brush my teeth, and that's when I saw it....

THERE WAS A SECOND LINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, it is a faint second line... But it was certainly there - you do not need NASA grade optics to see it.

I grabbed the test, showed it to Bo and said "We just might have the winning lottery ticket, right here!". He took the test from me and looked. He frowned and said, "Now don't get all excited, that line looks pretty faint to me. It could be something in your medications that's making it show up." My Bo, ever the optimist made several more remarks about its lack of being a real second line.

I think I actually pouted. I started doubting my HPT and HCG knowledge. I wasn't SURE it wouldn't be the HCG shot, and suddenly I couldn't remember if PIO causes false positives. Darn it!! It would be 2 hours before the clinic opened and I could ask my favorite RE nurse! Grrrr!

Well, I managed to make it to opening time and called the nurse. She said that the HCG shot should be well gone, and that if there was a line then it was coming from my body, naturally. As in - made by an implanted embryo. The bad news is, they wouldn't do my beta this early.

She said the RE wouldn't want to see beta numbers this soon, and would want me to wait until Tuesday anyway. Darn it! I was sure hoping we could use this as "beta 1" to make the beta on Tuesday be the "Is it doubling" test. Darn, darn, darn. But hey, wait a minute...

THERE WAS A SECOND LINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOOOooooooooooo - while I am excited that there were two lines, I know darned well that anything could be going on in there. I know that there are a million ways in which this could all go wrong, even before Tuesday gets here.

I am seasoned enough to know that I am barely at step one of a very scary and potentially painful roller coaster ride of emotions until that beta doubles, the heart(s) beats and all of the other milestones follow successfully in a line leading up to delivery. I know foe sure that it is way to soon to be convinced that we have the winning lottery ticket.

However, I just want to be happy, just for a few minutes, and dream that maybe, just maybe, we made it this time.

The one promise I made to Bo was that I WILL NOT let myself get giddy and all worked up into a frenzy of happiness until we have beta numbers to "officially" signal a healthy pregnancy. My sweetie doesn't want to see me crushed... I easily agreed, as it would be best to maintain our sanity and provide that little bitty cushion of comfort called cautious and optimistic hope.

Bo said something sooooo sweet before he left for work... He said, "If that test is right it is the second best thing I will see in all my life." To which I replied, "What is the first?" and he said "Seeing them in our arms." It was so sweet I almost cried. I guess this is his little way of saying he's reserving his judgement, but is hopeful that this is, in fact, signaling the answer to our prayers.

Thank You Everyone...

Thank you everyone for your heartfelt sympathies. It has been very hard to read these messages, knowing they will break my heart by reminding me that my baby Cocoa is gone. And yet, with each message my heart has gotten a little lighter.

Today is easier than yesterday, tomorrow will be easier still. Sometimes I still break into tears at the seemingly silliest things, and sometimes I am happy when I remember his wonderful brand of silliness.

Thank you again, it means so much to know that so many people care.

Bye Bye Baby Cocoa... I'll Miss You, Forever

My sweetheart, my love, my loverboy is gone. I took him in this morning and had him put to sleep.

He was so bad off, so tired, so skinny and it was time to say goodbye. He stopped eating without being forced about 2 weeks ago. However, he was doing OK until a couple of days ago when he stopped drinking water voluntarily. No matter how much I love him, and maybe because I love him so much, I just couldn't force him to go through the indignities of this any longer.

The loving, sweet baby had gone through too much and had lost the sparkle that made him who he was. He simply sat and stared into space, he no longer purred from my touch. He could barely get up, barely walk.

It was time and I was lucky enough to be able to hold him while he went off to sleep. He snuggled me one last time and then he was gone. I didn't stay for the euthanasia part - it is too painful to watch according to friends whose judgements I trust. I just held him, then laid him gently into the arms of the Dr. who promised he would treat him as gently as possible.

My furbaby Cocoa is gone, and my heart aches.

Humphries, Cocoa's littermate and brother seems to somewhat understand. He looked for him when I came home. He smelled him on my hands, on my face. He crawled into my lap and cuddled me for a long time. He keeps watching the door for Cocoa, but I think he already knows that his brother is not coming back. We took a nap and it felt good to have his warm body curled up next to mine.

I know I will get through this hurt. I know it will be OK. It will take a while - tomorrow will be a little better than today, again and again, until he is just a sweet memory in my heart.

3dp3dt & How I'm feeling today....

Today has been a very relaxing day... I woke up around 10:30, lounged in the bed with a very happy Humphries kitty. :) He loves it when I don't have any rushing around to do. He totally takes advantage.

I got out and puttered around my yard, watering my sad plants. The heat and complete lack of water has just zapped them. I have some BEAUTIFUL hydrangeas blooming in my yard, but their poor heads are wilted and they are looking so sad. Hopefully they will perk back up now...

Hubby and I got ourselves together and went to brunch at a local deli. It's a nice place, and they have GREAT freshly made potato salad - mmmm.

After such a workout I was just exhausted, so we came back and I took a long nap on the couch. :) I'm such a bum!!!

Today while I was perusing all your bloggy pages I realized I liked the theme songs some of you were posting on your nav bars. I thought about it carefully, then looked for "my song", the on that has been in the back of my mind since our exctopic in March - "Grieve" by Peter Gabriel.

When I listened to Grieve today I realized that no, actually it doesn't fit anymore. I've just been carrying it with me, without thinking. I've sort-of stopped grieving, I guess. So, I've picked a new song, one that better suits my current thinking. One that says what I would say to someone asking me about IF and where I am... Please, have a listen...

On another note... Monitoring is happening over at Still Passing Open Windows too. I hadn't ever heard that heartburn could be a sign of implantation... Hmmmm... I'm not one for heartburn, but I've been blessed with it now for 3 days. Ugh, I mean YAY!

I've been thinking it was the darned antibiotics they've got me taking. The only other time I have had trouble with heartburn was when I was taking met.aformine and also when I was PG in February. So, I guess I'll let you guys know in a few more days whether it was a good sign, or just drugs, right? :)

Rated PG - Yeah Right!

Ann's over at A Brief History of You got a fun link... It rates your blog based on its content.

I did my blog...

OMG - Mine came up "PG"??? Me? PG?? Yeah, I like the irony too. :)

The funniest thing is that the tagline reads "Some material might not be suitable for children". Well DUH! Not being suitable for children is the WHOLE REASON for this damned blog!!! :O

The reasons for this rating; pain (3x) ass (2x) pissed (1x)

I love the fact that it totally missed the numerous fuck, damn, and shit sprinkled throughout. LOL Gotta love it!

If you want to rate your site, just click on my PG rating above and enter your web address.

What D@wn Needs...

Apparently this little game is going around blogland...you go to google and type in your first name and "needs" and see what google thinks you need. Here's what D@wn needs, according to google (I've modified the name so I don't show up on other's searches).

• D@wn needs a headcount before Thursday of this week so sign up quick! - Not sure what for - but you'd better sign up!!!


• D@wn needs a Tripod - - Um. Not that I know of.


• D@wn needs to get over herself. I'm willing to bet her hits and readers would go down significantly if she stopped posting half-naked pics -- Interesting, I was just about to post my very first 1/2 naked pic of my belly. Maybe I SHOULD! My #'s would go up!


• D@wn needs to be on TV land -- Oh, yeah! I'd like that.


• D@wn needs to do is figure out a basic strategy that can lead into four different moveset uses, which she can easily ready. -- A basic strategy is always good, yesterday is a good example. :)


• D@wn needs a MIRACLE -- For Sure! Anyone got an extra one handy??


• D@wn needs some man on man action! -- OK, no, I draw the line at this one...


• D@wn needs a plan to help her live beyond her injuries. -- Oh man, what injuries?


• D@wn needs to develop more speed endurance. -- LOL, hell yeah, snails can beat me at this point.


• D@wn needs to show us more of the extraordinary young woman she showed us glimpses of & less of the needy attention-seeker that occasionally peeked out. -- Oh, that hurts. That really, really hurts you guys. I mean.. *sniff, sniff* I don't vie for attention. *Whaaaaaaaaaaaa!*


• D@wn needs to get out of the house. -- Yeah, probably true. :)


• D@wn needs You! -- For Sure! You guys are the greatest! I felt sooo good when I came in and saw all the love from yesterday's adventures. Thanks, Guys!
  

Relaxation, Transfer and Crying - A Wonderful Day!

I had a GREAT day yesterday.

I started the day by sleeping in until 10 AM - a wonderful start to any day...

Eventually, I got up, showered, took my meds and headed to the spa.

At the spa they were ready for me on time - NO stressful waiting, woooo hooo! I had a very nice therapist. I explained that my day was to include our IVF transfer, and she seemed very shocked, just for a second. Then, she recovered her "calm mood" and said she would do her very best to work out all of my stress, to give us the best possible chance. She then used moist heat and massage to put me into a dreamlike state for an hour. Pure heaven. I was able to clear my head of everything negative - I put all my worries down.

Once I had showered I headed to the Westin hotel near our RE's office. Checking in was completely uneventful, and they gave me a very nice room overlooking the lake. :)

Once I had checked my room for any signs of stress-inducing issues, I settled in to read in the chaise lounge while I gulped down water for the external ultrasound.

About 2:30, Bo came and picked me up and we headed over to the RE's office. He looked so nervous, yet I was so calm he didn't phase me one bit. I was able to read and drink more water very peacefully until our appointment, which was right on schedule. :)

I gave Bo my very favorite pen while we were walking into the transfer suite and asked him to hold it for me. I have carried this pen with me for 9 years, I use it daily. Bo looked confused, made a a couple of silly comments, but complied.

Our very nice U/S nurse helped get us settled into the transfer suite. I wasn't "full enough" so we talked and laughed while we waited for my bladder to fill.

During our wait I sprung my little surprise on Bo. I called him over to the table where I was laying, and asked him to write a "message" to the babies... He blinked at me, then stared at my tummy, and suddenly his eyes got all misty. He was soooo sweet...

"What do I write?", he said. I said simply, "Welcome Home".

He seemed so proud and happy to have an important "to do" on our important day. I started tearing up that something so simple could make him feel part of this day. The U/S nurse teared up too, as she watched him write our welcome message, she said she'd never seen anything so sweet. I absolutely gave Stacie total credit for the idea. :)

All this teariness and sentimentality lasted a couple more minutes until Bo remembered his phone has a camera... Yep, he HAD to take pics of my belly - I declined twice for modesty, but was secretly happy to indulged him. He was so cute and still quite misty-eyed.

I love my man!

Our embryologist came in and told us that 2 of the 4 embryos were very good, and two seemed to be "slowing down". He didn't think those 2 would make it to the freezing stage. We asked that they transfer the best two and freeze the others if they made it. It was the best we could do all things considered.

The transfer itself went pretty smoothly. I was not a big fan of the tilted table, or having so many people peering into my womanhood, but I decided there wasn't much to do about it. This was the price I was to pay for the chance to become a Mom. So be it, no reason to struggle against it...

I saw the little ones get deposited into their new home, and I sighed from relief that all the testing, procedures, poking and prodding were over for a few days. Now, it is all up to them to find a place to latch on and grow. I've done my best for them...

The rest of our evening was uneventful and very relaxing. I read and slept and ate take-out Bo happily procured from the Cheesecake Factory. Life doesn't get much more relaxing. :)

* sigh *

-------- Updated: I added the belly-pic! ----

A Plan For Relaxation

Last time I wrote I was VERY upset, to say the least... I have since found a way to make some lemonade out of the situation.

I have done the following:

booked a massage - 1 hour Swedish massage *sigh*
booked a hotel - The Westin - within 1 mile of the RE's office
made a schedule for my transfer day - so I don't mess up my plans :)
Bonus: I don't have to be up until 10 AM - Boo Ya!

I can't say everything is perfect, but it is at least better than it was. I have a plan, and I can relax a little.

Now, I simply need my embies to hang on just a little longer. I'll be there to get them relaxed and ready to treat them very well indeed.

I also plan to have my fav pen handy, because I have been inspired by Gemini Girl . I am going to welcome my babies home, on my tummy. :) May or may not take a pic though! LOL

It will all work out - It will all work out - It will all work out - It will all work out!

*breathing deeply*

----------- Correction -------
The "Welcome home" on the tummy was Here Storkey Storkey - Oopps! Sorry ladies! It is a great idea though, so I hope to surprise Bo with the honors of writing on me tomorrow! :)

Fertilization Report - Day 2

It looks like all 4 made it through the night! So, assuming they all make it to day 3 we should have ether 1 or 2 to freeze.

HOWEVER, the lab messed up our transfer date!!!! They set it at Day 5, which is totally NOT what we wanted to do. So, they are supposed to be looking for a slot for me on tomorrow's schedule... *watching cell phone anxiously*

Per our RE, Day 5 blastocysts have a better chance of implanting and growing, BUT the attrition rate is quite high due to the added stress of the extra 2 days. They know now that a high number of embies that would be good candidates for implantation don't make it to day 5.

My RE will sometimes let them go to day 5 IF you have many (6 or 7) good quality embies. That is just not our case... We could get to day 5 with nothing... *drilling a hole in the cell phone with eyes*

Ok - just breathe and think positively...

It will all work out.... It will all work out... It will all work out... It will all work out...

One good thought for each embie!

Go, embie A! Go embie B! Go embie C! Go embie D!

---------------
Update: the transfer is set for 3 PM. The last one of the day.

I'm so freaking pissed. I am going to do this so late in the day that it doesn't make sense to take the day off. I can't even have a full day to just rest and let things take hold. I can't take Friday off, so I'm just screwed for "rest time". Also, it will take me at least an hour in rush hour traffic to get home, due to the late start time.

I feel like nobody really gives a flying flip whether this works or not. Bo tried to make me feel a little better by pointing out that this is better than Saturday. I bit his head off. He may not be talking to me by the time we get home tonight.

I am NOT a happy camper.

Fertilization Talks and The Dreaded PIO...

First let me say - thank you to everyone for your encouraging and supportive comments. It was very nice to have so many commiserate with me, and to remind me to stick to the goal. I needed that support. It was threatening to rain at my desk all day today...

Bo and I were able to move a little past the 4 eggs issue this evening. We discussed it a bit, and then we let it go. Of particular interest to me was the fact that one of the reasons doing an FET was so important is in case we want more kids in the future. Even if this IVF does work, knock on wood right, we will have to do IVF again to get any more kids.

Meh - it is always something, isn't it?

So, I'm going to focus on doing all I can to make it to the transfer. If those four embies will cooperate I'll be there to receive them with the best ute I can offer. Well, no, I'm going to give them my ute, but that IS all I have to offer. LOL

Go Embies Go! Go Embies Go! Go Embies Go! Go Embies Go!

********** The PIO Daily News ***********

Well, we did it... The first PIO shot is in folks!!

I setup the meds, warmed the oil, drew up the shot, and pointed my ass at the ceiling... Bo was REALLY nervous, but I said, "Just stretch back the skin and do it!" He did it before I finished my statement, so it went more like "Just stretch back the skin and OW, Hey!!" then I asked him that question dreaded by men everywhere, "Is it in yet?" LOL

I thought he had pulled the needle out when I said "ow", so I was very glad to find he didn't falter. :) He jabbed me anyway! YAY BO!!!

BTW - you CAN use a 25 gauge needle to do these shots!!!!! Wooopie!!! He just took the time it needed to be pushed through, and voila!

Also, I didn't use any heat-packs or anything - I just massaged the area for a couple of mins. I stayed completely away from ice because I heard it makes the pockets of medicine harder to massage into your skin - the oil gets too thick when cool.

One last reminder - if you heat the oil before injection don't get it too hot. You can burn yourself under your skin if you do. Just get it up to body temp. If the water is too hot for your fingers it is too hot for your ass - K? K!

Fertilization Report...

We have 4 left... Only 10 were actually mature, and only 4 survived overnight. I don't have anymore information. They said they'll go over the "what and why" on Thursday when we do the transfer.

Guess I'm in shock just a bit. They said that most likely we'll have a transfer on Thursday, but they will call me tomorrow with an update on the progress...

I just want to cry...

Even though there are still enough to transfer, by Thursday there may not be enough for us to do an FET if this doesn't work.

Our New Favorit Number Is....

12 - 12 - 12 - 12 - 12 - 12 - 12 - 12 - 12 - 12 - 12 - 12 - 12 - 12 - 12 - 12 - 12!

We are back from the egg retrieval. Everything went very well - did you guess how many they got? They got 12 eggs!!! We have a perfect dozen!!! LOL

You guys KNOW what my biggest fear was - The IV. Turns out my RE prescribed Lidocaine be used for the IV insertion... Bless him! They gave me a small subcu shot of it, and the IV needle went in with no pain whatsoever! Write that down ladies - ask for an Rx for it BEFORE your IV procedures! :)

I am vegging out on the couch... Bo and the cats are hanging out with me. Other than the pain in my ovaries, and my typing errors (millions of errors I tell you) everything is pretty OK.

I'm going to go rest now... Thank you to everyone for all your kind words of encouragement! It really meant a lot to me!

Retail Therapy...

Bo is on his way home from D.C. - he is making good time too. He should be here just after dark. I've missed him. I'm glad he's almost here too. *sigh*

Today I've spent very lazily... I planned a relaxing day of retail therapy with one of my good friends. We had lunch then chatted and shopped at a GREAT upscale stripmall just minutes from my home.

This place has everything... Pot.tery Barn, J Cr.ew, Willi.am Son.oma, The Loft, Coldw.ater Creek, Old Na.vy, and the list goes on and on... Man, I love our mini-mall. :) The place is actully really small. Small enough that you can walk easily from one end to the other, even on a hot (Georgia hot) kind of day no sweat.

Since I am pretty bloated (I understand this is from the eggs swelling), and my leg hurts quite a bit from the HCG shot, we decided to make it a lazy strolling kind of day. We had a good time, for sure. We didn't buy too much, but we drooled quite a lot - especially in Bombay, I just LOVE their furniture and fixtures.

As we left, she gave me a big hug and her well wishes. It felt really good to have a girlfriend's support going into tomorrow. Retail therapy is good for the soul. :)

Oh, I can't believe no one asked where the name Bo comes from?!?!?

Well, it involves roll-playing... Do you guys ever roll-play with your hubbies/wives? Get your minds out of the gutter, I don't mean sexual roll-playing. I mean just silliness, like mimicing a stereotype or movie character? Well, if you do this will make more sense...

Roll-playing is where "Bo" comes from... Bo is Hubby's character and my character's name is Sherri pronounced (sher-ree). Hubby and I have spent many hours entertaining ourselves on long car trips, in Dr's offices, on airplanes, etc. by acting out our current situation as Bo and Sherri would see it.

Now, before some of the Southern blog readers get mad at me, Hubby and I are Southern - born and raised, so don't get on a high horse about stereotypes, etc. I am aware that rednecks are not stupid as a rule... They are actually really wonderful, smart, inventive people, and make up 90 % of our extended family. *gets down off the box*

However, Bo is a redneck, a born-and-bred blue collar "good-'ol-boy" and Sherri is his gum-chewing, big-haired, kinda loud, southern belle wife (I like to imagine she wears daisy dukes and high heals). They are not too bright, these two. They come up with odd-ball "southern" reasons for delays, mishapps and just plain stoooopid behavior of others. You see, they want to believe the best of others, no matter how much evidence there is to the contrary.

For example, if we are on the interstate and someone cuts me off - something that makes me VERY mad by the way - instead of getting mad I might use it as fodder for our game. I turn to Hubby and launch into my role as Sherri...

I, as Sherri, say in a very southern, twangy voice, "Oh my, that man cut me off! What do you think crawled up his butt and died", and Bo's retort, in an equally southern drawl might be "Aw, come on now, you KNOW the tractor pull is just about to start, up on exit 386. He's just in a hurry, 'cuz he don't want to miss none!" Then we laugh while we add lines about ficticious friends and family that are going to, or are entrants in the tractor pull. It is a REAL hoot!

I love this roll-playing time with Hubby. It engages my mind, makes me laugh instead of rage, reminds me of how crazy perceptions can be, entertains us and brings us closer together as a couple. We have other characters we play, but Bo and Sherri are the ones I like best. They remind me that life can be very funny.

I don't know what you and your partner do to enliven those boring times, but I sure hope you guys have as much fun as Hubby and I do being Bo and Sherri.

Bo, Start The Countdown 36 hrs, 35 hrs, 34, 33....

I have taken the HCG trigger shot!!!!

AND I have thought of a nickname for Hubby - he's gonna laugh when he see's this... I'm going to call him "Bo" from now on. LOL

Bo (Hubby) wasn't here to do the shot, he's still in DC. So, I got the smallest intramuscular needle I could find (a 25 gauge) and I gave it to myself in the leg.

OOOOOOH Boy - that was a long needle. *shivers* I survived... My leg aches a bit, but it is OK. :)

The egg retrieval is scheduled for 10 AM Monday morning - 36 hours from NOW!!!!! I am to arrive at the surgery center no later than 8:30 AM to be prepped for the procedure. *shiver, shiver*

Thank you to "Knock Me Up" for the reassurances about twilight anesthesia - that simple comment really did make me feel better. :) Wishing you had a blog, so I could read your story and return the support... Thanks chickie!

It Will Be Ok...

This post is a jumping off point from Watson's post about all the crazy things going on in her world right now...

I have been there... I have been knee-deep in a million huge, live-changing things and not been sure how I will ever survive it. Granted, her situation is a little different, but still...

When life gets like this for me I try, very hard, to make myself stop and chant "It will all work out, even if I don't know how right now - I just have to breathe".

Amazingly, this little sentence gets me through some of my biggest crisises because it was true for all of the previous big crisises!

Ever notice that... One minute you are just sure you'll never survive and the next you are fine, hanging out at friend's house having coffee and a cookie. Suddenly you realize 2 months have gone by and it is all OK - that big scary time becomes just a distant blip in your memory.

Sometimes it is crazy to think you actually lived... You realize you must be much stronger than you thought you were. You can even get a real boost remembering how scared you were, and yet you made it. I love that feeling. Roar!

Another post caught my attention tonight, from Infertile Fantasies, about friendship.

Recently I have been feeling a little blue about one of my "Class One" friends DD. It seems like she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore, and we are talking less and less often these days.

The thing is, I REALLY need her right now!!

DD is just like a sister to me, of course I'm assuming since I don't actually have one, but neither does she so it is close enough. I tell her things that I wouldn't tell another soul, and I KNOW she will understand it and accept me. She is the same with me - she knows without a doubt I will be here for her.

She has stopped working nearby, and lives quite a ways away, so now I don't see her unless there is some sort of event or entertainment taking place. We still talk on the phone some, but it isn't the same. We used to just hang out, with no events or distractions required. I want so much to be nearer to her physically again, because we share so much through laughter, silly stories and hugs.

I have felt that she is tiring of me, of my stories, of my company. I thought she did not want to be my sister anymore. I felt her slipping away slowly, and it hurt my heart terribly.

Then, while we were talking the other day we discussed what our lives would be if we never managed to have children. The discussion turned to how we would live out our later years, when DD asked seriously "Will you promise me something...". "Yes", I said. "When we are old, and our husbands have gone... Will you live with me? We can keep each other company."

I know it is silly, but I actually cried tears of joy for the first time in my life. I'm sure she couldn't hear me, but I was so overjoyed to know that DD still loves me. She still wants to be my sister. She's still a "Class One" friend.

I told her how happy she had made me, and of course I agreed to be there for her. It will be something to look forward to later in life.

CD 9 Results

Today's US shows 13 follies > 1.0 !!!!! Whoo hoo!! :)

One of the follies is at 2.0, so we are almost done with stims! I haven't said so before, but most of the follies are only .1 or .2 behind the lead. There are several though that are still smallish, in the 1.0 - 1.3 range.

I talked to my RE yesterday about the smaller ones... He said that they will try to extract eggs from all the visible follicles, and lots of times there are eggs in the smaller ones. So, he's hoping or us to get 15 to 20 follies by the retrieval. OH MY! That's a whole lot!

I asked about potential trigger dates again... They are saying probably 1 more day, so Saturday might be it. Satur

Oh yeah, I'm starting to get that "full" feeling some of you talked about in your own posts. The follies are certainly noticeable now... Kinda feel bloated.

Poor Hubby, he isn't going to be too happy about the possible early trigger date (we had originally planned for a Monday trigger). He just drove to Wash D.C. to see his dad for Father's Day (we live in GA). He arrives there today, and will have to drive back home on Sunday. He knew that might happen, and has a contingency plan for making it back.

Before leaving Hubby said he isn't going to be unhappy though, because hey, we are trying to make this HIS Father's Day too! :) Sweet, sweet hubby. :)

I have to say, my posts have focused on the # of follies becuase I am more than a little scared of this whole process. I keep thinking if I focus on the goal I'll keep my head more clear. I'm scared of:

• OHSS
• The IV for the anesthesia (needles again)
• The anesthesia (twilight is being used, never had it before)
• Poor egg quality
• Not having any eggs fertilize
• Having eggs fertilize
• Getting pregnant! I've talked about this one before...
• Not getting pregnant.

I'm really just a walking bundle of nerves, what with the IVF and Cocoa. I'm happy/sad/scared/sad/happy/scared/sad. Someone PLEASE have a drink for me, huh?? I really need one, and I can't have it. *on my knees begging*

Anyone have any good advice for my upcoming retrieval??? I'm not talking to Dr. Google right now, to help maintain my sanity, so any advice here is welcome...

CD 8 US Results

Today's US shows 11 follies > 1.1 some as large as 1.5, so we are still looking good!

I asked about potential trigger dates again... Looks more like I will be triggering Saturday or Sunday, RE doesn't think I have a chance of making it as late as Monday.

Today's blood draw was kinda frustrating... The lady doing the draw refused to use any hot compresses. I got all scared of her, and really wanted to leave. I didn't want this woman to stick me with a needle. Grrrrrr!

Granted, she did manage to get me in one try, in my arm and not the hand, but she left a huge bruise on my forearm from digging!!!!!! Grrrrr

My baby kitty Cocoa is not getting any better. He won't eat, and can barely get around at this point. He still purrs for me, but he is really very sad and just wants to rest.

Every morning now, I find myself saying goodbye, just in case. I am seriously considering putting him to sleep tomorrow, or this weekend, if he doesn't go on his own. He is my baby boy, my sweetheart, and I'm going to miss him terribly.

I think his brother Humphries is starting to figure it out... He is less neurotic, and is spending a lot of time laying beside Cocoa. He is still jealous about the food, but seems to be getting more gentle and loving overall.

It is so very hard to loose those you love...

CD 7 - Bloodwork and US Results

HEY! Got my results from yesterday's bloodwork and yesterday/today's US.

My E2 was 395, so they lowered my dose to 150 for this morning's shot.

My US yesterday showed 7 follicles all are > 1.0. Today's results showed 10 follicles all > 1.0!!! Some are as large as 1.4, so we are looking good!

I asked about potential trigger dates... Looks like I will be triggering as early as Saturday or as late as Monday. Not a lot of info in that, but we will be narrowing it down daily with more USs and bloodwork.

I'm having much more luck with blood draws now that we are using the hot compresses on my arm! Whoo Hoo!

The only sad news right now is that my baby kitty Cocoa is very, very sick. He isn't going to live much longer and there isn't much we can do for him. He is my loverboy, my sweetheart, and I'm going to miss him terribly.

I'm so sad, and very stressed. I am trying to stay calm, seeing as we are in the middle of this IF thing, but I'm not having much luck. We thought we were going to be putting him to sleep any minute over the the last 2 days.

His brother Humphries is just sure I don't love him anymore. He is becoming neurotic and is fighting me for food. This is NOT a skinny cat - he has all kinds of food available, but he wants the "treats" he thinks I am giving to Cocoa. He's crying and stalking my every move. I feel so bad, but I just can't overfeed him anymore. He's gained so much weight during this whole thing, mostly from the stress, I think.

This has been very rough on my hubby too. He isn't much of a cat lover, but he is very troubled to see me so sad, he loves Cocoa too. We both want what is best for him. At the moment that seems to be having him at home and babying him as much as we can.

I'm resolved to do what I can for him, but in the end I just want him to be peaceful and happy. I'm hoping he will rebound a bit, and be happy a little while longer.

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Update:

Today's E2 result was 539, they said that looks good and to keep on the same dose. :)

CD 5 - Follie Count and Blood Work Results...

Today is CD 5. The follie count is considered "early" at this point. I had 3 on the right side are > 1.0 with 3 to 4 that are < 1.0 (considered unmeasurable), then on the left I had 2 to 3 < 1.0.

I was told those are pretty good results from a 1st scan. :)

Blood work results from my "miscarriage blood panel" came back. The initial results show a problem with clotting! Oh wow!

You know what this means? It means we may have found a major reason I haven't been able to be pregnant! Wooo Hoooo!

My RE nurse said "Good call on doing the blood work!" and then, "We'll put you on Hepa.rin" for the 1st trimester, and possibly through your whole pregnancy. She must have thought I was crazy, 'cause I gave her a high five! LOL

I am so darned excited to have something I can do to improve my odds of actually having a baby. Wow, I can't believe it. This may explain some of my history. I am so thankful I had them do the tests. I know it seems silly, but I just want to tell everyone. I feel like maybe, just maybe, that is the answer we were waiting for.

I feel hope coming on...

Optimism? What's that?

Hubby and I had a long talk during a fabulous dinner... I told him about my secret. I do not and have not thought this cycle will work. It is almost like I am doing it just to get it out of they way. Just to say I tried. :(

I don't know why I am feeling this way. I mean really - we had two very strong, quite healthy embies during that ectopic episode. The RE's office was blown away that they were that strong and grew that much.

So, we know we CAN make good embies, they can even implant (in the wrong place) and grow.

Why am I so unsure of myself? Why am I doubting the outcome?

I think it is because I am battle hardened and yet still sore on the inside. Somehow I think it will be easier to deal with the loss of this IVF cycle if I am never excited about it working. Lame, but true...

Some of the ladies out there have reminded me through their posts this weekend that hope plays a role in success. Your body DOES respond to your moods. I just have to have hope. I just have to be positive. That doesn't mean it will work necessarily, but it will give me a better chance of getting what I want.

I think I'm going to do something VERY taboo this week... I think I am going to take a trip to the big baby-in-a-box store. I am going to buy the baby that will be something cute - something gender-neutral. Maybe I'll buy two... Just in case. I have always wanted to buy something for baby. I started to do so with the last PG, when we had made it to 6 wks I was going to let myself shop.

This time, I'm not waiting. I need something positive to focus my energy on... Maybe I can even get Hubby to come with me - that would be very pro-us, pro-family building don't you think? Taboos and jinxes aside...

I went for my 1st blood draw/E2 today. The number was 142, which they said was very good. I am to stay on my same doses of drugs. Tomorrow is my 1st US, Day 5 of stims. I'll let you guys know how it goes!

Oh yeah, I tried the hot compresses on my arm before the blood draw! The vein was easier to find, and she was able to draw blood out of my arm! Yippee!! No painful-as-all-getout- back-of-the-hand for me!!! Unfortunately, the water was a bit to hot, and left a big blotchy burn. LOL Oh well, ces't la vie! I'm all for eaisier blood draws though. I am going to try the trick again (with cooler water) tomorrow. We'll see how it goes, huh?

E2, Not Just A Number In Bingo Anymore

My E2 came back just fine testerday (don't know what the number was). So, I started my stims this morning - Oh Joy! :)


I keep looking at the calendar and counting the days. Somehow I keep hopeing the time will get shorter with each count. Sigh...


I realized something last night... I have never had this much Foll.istem or for so LONG. They are planning 11 days of stims @ 500, and I usually only get 7 days @ 300 in before they do an IUI. So, I sure hope the Lupron holds!


Last time I had 11 follies, so I also hope they know what they are doing... I don't want to take a ride on the OHSS train... Blecgh!

I looked at my schedule again, I go back for the next bloodwork on Sunday, not Saturday. Ooops! Hey, that's kinda like a freebie - one less day!

Vampires with Wands II....

Just got back from visiting the Vampire with a Wand....

Thanks for all the well-wishes and tips! I missed the tip, but I will have to try the warm-water trick for my next visit! Thanks!!

It actually went pretty well, all things condisdering! The US was clear, NO CYSTS!!!! WHOOO HOOO!! For a PCOS gal that is HUGE!

The bloodwork was pretty smooth too! It only took two nurses and 4 tries to get the 10 vials filled. Not too bad at all. One of the nurses sucked the blood while the other handed her the vials and labeled the full ones. I'm sure I heard a little "bwhaa haa haa haa ha" with each success... It was like a vampire production line. LOL

Assuming my baseline E2 comes back good I will start stims tomorrow. Our protocol is: Foll.istem 250 AM, Foll.istem 250 PM, Lupron 5, antibiotic for Hubby and me.

I have apointments for blood draws every day starting this Saturday. Does anyone else's RE do that much E2 monitoring??? Starting on Day 3 I have apointments on days 3 & 5 - 11. Most of these visits inlcude both US and bloodwork. I'm interested in what your offices do and how well you think it works...

Oh yeah for the record - I LOVE MY RE NURSES!!!!!!!!!

Vampires with Wands...

Tomorrow morning will start with an Ultrasound and Bloodwork, Oh JOY!!!

I can feel my veins closing up as I write!! Ugh!

I am going in tomorrow for the suppression check. If all is well, I start on stims Thursday. If not, well, I'm not really sure what happens. I forgot to ask... :)

I have had several miscarriages throughout my life, but most were not certified by a Dr., just with POAS. I've had a hard time convincing OB/GYNs to take these seriously, since they weren't "documented" by a Dr. My official medical record shows only 1, but I've had 3.

Durring our IVF consult with the RE nurse, I said " I want a "recurrent miscarriage blood panel" to see if there are any obvious miscarriage reasons lurking in my body." I ASKED for extra bloodwork, and I thought my Hubby eyes were gonna bug out! LOL

My RE nurse blinked kind-of hard and said, "I'm sure the Dr. wouldn't mind, but your insurance might not cover it. My retort was "If I am going to spend $ 15,000 on trying to get PG, I don't mind spending $1500 to make sure I can stay that way." She laughed and said that sounded like a good plan!

Today I had her fax me the list of tests, so I could check on coverage with my insurance... Well, someone smack me, because I didn't know what I was asking for... The miscarriage blood panel consists of 15 different tests!!! OMG!!!!

How many of you remember these classic posts Spearing Olives and CD9 Bloodwork? I looked and looked for the post on my personal best, an 8-tries day, but it doesn't seem to be saved... not sure what happened to it. I'll have to remember to re-post it.

Let's just summarize by saying my veins suck and I am big chicken about needles!!!!!!!!!!!

I love my RE nurse, I really do!! She has ALWAYS been wonderful, and I am grateful to have her. I think I would have given up a long time ago if she hadn't been there for me.

In addition to being great, she just finished her CNP training. I think she goes for her boards sometime soon.

On top of all that she is newly pregnant. I think she is nervous about it, because of her job. I wish she didn't have to be insecure about it. Everyone loves her so much, and she already has to be terrified given how much she knows about the process. I just hope she is happy, the baby is healthy and that her patients support her throughout.

I ALSO hope with all my might that she will be the one doing the blood draw tomorrow. I'll let you know how it goes!

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Note: I have a list of all the blood panel tests, if anyone is interested in getting this kind of work-up done. Not every RE does this kind of bloodwork, but these are standard tests most labs can do. Just send me your email me and I'll send the list along!

Have Lupron Will Travel....

Well, Hubby and I just returned from a relaxing weekend away. We went up to my parents' home on Friday night, then went to BIL/SIL's home for Saturday night. We also took in a show from Steven Wright - soooo funny!

I took my IF and my Lu.pron with me in a cooler and kept its existence strictly private. I took my shots like a good girl, and I said nil about it.

I'm sure many of you have experienced the support group problem, it is great to have a support group, but soooo hard when they come asking for updates after bad news. It is like reliving the events to have to explain over and over that "No, it didn't work" and in my case to have to explain ectopic to people. I really didn't know it was much of a mystery, but I guess people just don't talk about it enough.

So, our plan is to share the story of this cycle with very few people. We want to grieve in private if it doesn't work.

So far the Lu.pron shots are going OK. I've stopped the BCPs and AF has arrived (just like the protocol predicted). :) On Wednesday I have an appointment for my suppression check. If all is well we will start stims on Thursday. Whoo hoo!

I have to remember to ask for the miscarriage profile tests... A few in this wonderful bloggy group have opened my eyes to this panel of tests, and I hope to have it done myself. I want to ensure we can find and treat any obvious reason for my previous miscarriages! Thanks gals!

Saturday night was pretty wild... While sitting on the screened porch of my BIL/SIL's a freak severe thunderstorm came up that ran us into the house (sideways rain is never good on a screened porch).

We heard a big crash in the front yard, and saw part of their large tree come down, narrowly missing a friend's parked car. A very large branch was still hanging just above the hood, making my heart stop every time it rocked.

While trying to reach the neighbor that owned the car. We heard a great crash in the backyard, and ran back just in time to see a tree land 2 feet from where we had been sitting just moments before!

A 50ft Hackberry tree that was in the alley behind the houses came down across their neighbor's fence, across their shared fence line, and landed on the two houses' power lines. The lines didn't break!

So, we had a large tree down, across live wires, and the storm was no where near over. We spent an anxious few minutes darting around the house while more limbs and such fell around the neighborhood. That's when I remembered the limb in the tree I was so worried about... I said "Did you ever call the neighbors about the car?" Nope, we had forgotten to call!

As soon as they heard, J the neighbor ran out into the monsoon to move the car and found the battery was dead! He was able to put it in neutral and move it back about 15 ft. J closed the door to to car, walked up to his house, and WHAM! The big limb fell - right where the car had been. A sigh of relief has never sounded so loud before!

Amazingly, the storm died down and in about 20 minutes, and after a bit of damage surveying and a call to the power company, we were able to leave for dinner as planned! Great dinner, 'nuf said.

We then caught a great performance from the comedian Steven Wright - I highly recommend this guy if he is coming near your town! We thought with all the evening's tree drama that it might be hard to relax... We didn't stop laughing for 2 hours straight!!! Oh man, so great!

We were in Ryman Auditorium, the birthplace of Country Music.... Nashville is said to be "Country Music City USA". Well, Steven, he does all of his jokes deadpan and NEVER smiles/laughs during his routine. All of his jokes are thinking jokes... One of his jokes is done as a song, he accompanies himself on guitar... He stopped singing, mid song, and said "Man, this place isn't good for music is it?" The crowd just died laughing!! He started laughing too and said "I've been waiting 3 weeks to say that!" That made us all laugh that much harder!

To wrap up the night we sat on the porch at Midnight, eating chips and watching the power company cut and restring the power lines. Neat, neat, neat! Those guys should be commended for doing a dangerous job with such speed and efficiency! I was thoroughly impressed!

That's all for now! Whew, a lot to tell from a little 2-day escape, huh? Hope all is well with everyone out there!!