Reason for the Season ll

Just so I don't forget...  We told Jim all about Santa coming. We even used the "you'd better be good" line a few times... We sent him to bed with sugar plums dancing on his head.

So this morning at a respectable 9 AM my  son comes in to the room to wake me. He's all excited to go downstairs. I asked him what we were going to do downstairs, since I hadn't heard any mention of any key Christmas ingredients.

Jim looked at me ever-so-brightly and said, "We have to get god and watch a video!"

Really? Hmmm... That, my dear, what I was thinking, but OK!

Boy will Jim be surprised! I hope...

The Reason for the Season

Jim arrived at Nana's house to a room full of presents. I doubt he can remember last Christmas, so he has never seen such a thing. He asked, "Are all these presents for me?". As we tried to explain the reason for the gifts we pointed out that everyone would be getting gifts tomorrow, to which he replied delightedly, "Tomorrow is everyone's Birthday?".

I have to say, although my family is religious (and we are Christians) we are not of a faith that celebrates Christmas as a religious holiday. We celebrate it as a family holiday, and we enjoy it mightily. There are some nativity figures in some of our houses, and some of us send religious greeting cards, but primarily it is just a time for family to get together and share in good times.

Here's an odd confession for you... I was in almost in my tweens before I made a solid connection between Christmas and Jesus. I remember it, quite well actually, the very moment I made that connection. As we drove past a church that had a live nativity I saw that they had a huge Christmas tree, it was right beside the life-size nativity, THEN I saw the church sign saying "The Reason for the Season". It clicked, like I'd be hit in the head with brick thrown by baby Jesus himself. Hard to believe, I know.

When I tell you I'm a "live and let live" sort of person, you can really believe it. K?

Oh, just to balance this story evenly... Jim also didn't know what to do when he saw Santa. He kinda looked at me like, why are you setting me on this man's lap? Our grouchy Santa asked him what he wanted for Christmas... and... nothing. Jim wouldn't answer him. We couldn't get him to answer. He hadn't a clue what we were talking about. I guess that explains why he didn't ask me for presents every day since September, huh?

I think I forgot to tell him that part. Ooooppps! (not that I'm displeased to miss the joy of being haggled by a 2 1/2 yr old.)

Happy Holiday that to Jim Appears to Have No Reason!! HA!

I'm a bad Mommy. I'll just turn in my Mommy card now.

However, I'll ask if I get redeemed because I let Jim open all Miss M's presents for her. Maybe?

Christmas Tree Light

We've been doing a LOT by Christmas tree light lately - I just find it so wonderfully relaxing.

This year, the lights they are a-shining, so I'm in good spirit. You see, I have these great lights for my tree - they are multi-function and do about 8 different "tricks". They blink in 8 different patterns, and I LOVE them. I've had them since 1993, and every year I wonder if this will be the year the lights don't come on. I just know it will happen one day, and Christmas will never be the same again.

When my boy Jim celebrated his 1st real Christmas last year I wasn't sure how I would handle the decorations on the tree. I didn't want to put away all of our good ornaments, but I didn't want to decorate only 1/2 the tree either. Also GASP! I wanted to let him help decorate it.

The solution? Walmart.

Walmart has very convincingly decorated unbreakable (aka plastic) ornaments - the look a wh0le lot like my normal glass ones. So, I decorated 90% of the tree (lights, garland, the higher-up ornaments) and then I let my kiddo come in and help me finish. I had pre-strung the plastic globes with thread (no hooks to mess with). I helped him with the hanging part, but he chose the locations for the ornaments.

Last year worked so well that I repeated the performance again. Kiddo seems to love that he helped decorate the tree. He even put on a few that weren't plastic this year. He comes in from school and runs to turn on the tree - we have a step-on switch, and he LOVES being able to do it himself.

Gotta love Christmas with a big-boy decorating helper. It's great to see him so proud.

I've been overzealous this Christmas in the kitchen. I've made 4 dozen snickerdoodles and 140 buckeyes (peanut butter cup-like candy).

Oh! That brings to mind a STORY!! I decided that the snickerdoodles wouldn't be good long enough for me to send them to my brother. My brother is a Fireman. So, I decided that Jim and I would take cookies over to the fire station.

I figure these guys and girls do some pretty great stuff for my family, so they could use an unexpected treat. I brought someone else's brother, father, boyfriend cookies. Maybe, just maybe, someone out there will be kind enough to bring my brother some cookies too.

Jim and I set off "Going on an adventure.**" . Just us, and Jim noted that Miss M wasn't joining us. I think he was pleased. You should have seen Jim's eyes when I told him we were going to the Fire Station. Priceless.

We walked up, I handed Jim the cookies, and he was so excited he forgot how to speak. So, I told the Fireman on duty the reason for the cookies, and his smile lit up like a Christmas tree. He grabbed my son by the hand and took him into the engine bay. Jim was treated to a trial of several different seats in each engine and a tour of both ambulances. The guy was so into it - he was explaining all about who sits where, and what their duties are, and lots about the equipment.

It felt really good to have spread some Christmas cheer. It felt really good to have someone be genuinely nice to my son. It was a nice afternoon.

So, if you find you have an extra few cookies... Think of your local FD - bring them some cheer. You just might get a quick personal tour!


**Going on an adventure - that's what we call it when we are going on a special errand, It keeps us from having to give him the detail of what we are about to do

Meds and Maternity Clothes...

If you guys know of anyone that needs one of the following, please pass them to me!!!

- Work-appropriate NICE maternity clothes in plus sizes - 1x to 2x. I'm selling mine... 25 pieces for $50.00. That's a STEAL seeing as just 2 of the shirts were that much when I bought them recently.
- Folli.stem 900 Unit cartridge - exp 02/2012
- Love.nox - 5 or 6 weeks worth leftover
- Proges.terone suppositories - about 1 month worth

Wisdom on Dressing from My Mom

I'm getting my blog inspirations from others these days, it seems...

Jen, over at Here We Go Again, was talking about being over-dressed at a recent holiday party due to her husband's attire recon fail. Made me think of a good story...

I've never really been worried about being overdressed. Really. Well, not since it happened in about 8th grade, which as you know is a hugely bad time to have any social snafu. My faux-pas wasn't so bad, but my Mom shared a cool story as a result. I'm guessing it changed a lot about my life, beacuse I listened...

Mom said that she wasn't very popular, and was pleasantly surprised when she was invited to a birthday party for one of the really popular girls in her class. She was excited about it, and asked a few people from the popular crowd what the attire was. They told her it was a coming-out party. So, my Mom would need a true formal-ish cocktail dress.

Now, my Mom lived on a farm, and her family was on the shallow end of the money pool. She didn't own any dresses that would work for the party. However, her Mom wasn't going to let her go under dressed to the event of the year. I've forgotten if they bought or made the dress, but she went in a very nice cocktail dress, and was looking very sharp indeed.

I can imagine my Mom was on cloud 9 and was strutting a bit, she was a very pretty girl even though she thinks she was too thin. :)

I'm sure you can imagine then, that she was mortified though when she arrived and found that all the other girls were dressed in "Sunday Best". They had lied to her. Those mean girls had purposefully told her to wear the wrong thing.

My Mom stayed at the party (not sure she had a choice, she was probably dropped off by her parents) and figured out a key part of life... She refused to show that she was hurt by their misdirection. She just acted like she enjoyed herself, like nothing was amiss.

You know what happened? They guys all thought she looked marvelous, and paid attention to her! She was suddenly more popular, and was getting interest she hadn't before!

Mom says that it taught her to NEVER apologize for being overdressed. An apology suggests you have something to be sorry for. Instead, just go with it, and show that you have confidence, know that you look damn good. Why should you appologize for looking Damn Good?

Mom's theory, as she taught it to me, is that everyone else is only worried about themselves and what people are thinking aobut them anyway. So, if you don't show that you are embarrassed, you will likely just make the other people more self-conscious. It is likely they won't be talking bad about you because they are preoccupied with themselves! :) Nice, huh?

So, I learned early how to enter a room with confidence. I never worry about my attire or what people are thinking about me. I KNOW they aren't thinking about me. And you know what? I've had more than one close friend comment on on this "ability" of mine. They ask me how it is that I enter a packed room with an air of "I'm here now, we can get the party started!". ;)

Gotta love Momma's advice...

Handshakes

Bea over at Infertile Fantasies sparked my interest in finally penning a blog post that's been rolling around in my head. The idea finally took shape, so here goes...

I took Miss M to do a sleep study a few weeks back - she was breathing funny. Not a ha ha kind of funny, unfortunatly.

The technician at the sleep center was extremely easy to get to know, and we shared a lot of ancedotes and personal histories over our few hours of interaction. Somewhere in the night, I'm guessing it was about 3 AM, Miss M lost patience with the test equipment, unwrapped her head, and pulled two of her leads off. It was time to feed her too, so the technician came back in to reattach it to Miss M while I soothed her with a bottle.

Since the re-attaching process takes a while, we talked a bit more about whatever. Something I said about feeding Miss M sparked a question that I thought to ask her about raising her own kids... I was confident she did, given the info she'd shared. So I asked the standard lead-in, "Do you have kids?" And you know what? I saw it... Just a millisecond of emotion crossed her face, but it told her whole story. I immediately felt horrible for asking, damn infertility... I didn't know what story would unfold, if any, but was willing to listen or not, as she chose.

The technician went on to tell me, that she'd adopted 2 wonderful children, and raised them as her own. She'd aparently adopted them after their infancy, so she'd missed out on the basic task I was performing - feeding and holding my infant. She never showed me her pain again - she didn't lament the missed infancy. She was matter-of-fact about it, bright even, and didn't share her story. The instant of pain that crossed her face will likely alway stick with me. It spoke to me, like no words could. The handshake was made, but it left me wishing I could have shared more of my journey with her and visa versa. I think it would have made for a nice evening of sharing with a sister-in-IF.

On the flip-side...

At Jim's daycare Friday, the center director was admiring Miss M, and talking openly about her thoughts on having another child. She's entering 40 this year, and would have to have a tubal reversal to try to conceive naturally. She knows how we had Jim, our nameless angel, and Miss M, so she asked what it was like for us. I was kinda surprised she asked, since another daycare mother was standing with us. I don't care about sharing, but some people are easily shocked...

Before I could answer though, the Director turned to look at Jim and said, "Jim is just so beautiful! And Miss M looks just like him!" To which I laughingly replied, "I have 3 more of him in the freezer if you want'em! Ha!". OMG! Did that just fall out of my mouth? Ha! Yep! I looked quickly at the other daycare Mom... and I saw the knowing look in her eye as she said, "I have one like ____ in the freezer myself!". Handshake offered by accident, and heartily returned.

Maybe she and I will be friends, maybe we won't, but after giving me her ART elevator-pitch she introduced herself, and her daughter. It doesn't change a thing, but it's nice to know.

Sigh... I'm thinking about whether I want to truly jump into the IF support world of Resolve or not. I think if I'd found them while I was still in the trenches I'd have been on that wagon in a heartbeat. Now, I'm not sure. I'm kinda ready to leave it behind a bit. I almost NEED to move on. There are a few friends I've made here that haven't finished their own journies yet. I'm thinking when they are done I'll be done too. I need to see it through for them, to be there to talk, share, support, and comment. Does that make sense? What do you think you'd do?

6 Wks - Wow!

My baby girl will be 6 weeks old on Friday... Wow. I can feel the time, but I'm amazed it is going by...not fast exactly, just pretty normal so far. She is still sleeping alot, but is starting to have some wakeful periods each day.

Here's the biggest wow though.... She is starting to interact with toys!!! Really. It's a bit freaky, but I'm sitting here watching it happen, so I know it is real.

One of my blogger buddies sent me a HUGE package of brightly wrapped toys (big hugs to her for being so sweet). So, when Hubby mentioned the other night that he felt sorry for Miss M because she didn't have "anything to do" I broke out this beautiful butterfly chime and attached it to her cradle. I LOVE the sound of these particular chimes...

She seemed to like the sound too, and would look at it when I would hold it and shake it. Fast forward to tonight... I placed her in a bouncy chair, put the butterfly on her tummy, and am sitting here in amazement.

I'm watching her purposfully bat at the butterfly! REALLY. She has manged to hit it so many times that she has pushed it to her feet 3 times now. She then gets frustrated because she can't reach it, and she starts fussing. No joke.

I wish I had my video camera... I'd so totally film this.

I've called my hubby over to have him verify I'm not crazy. :)

Well... shoot, that didn't work out as planned. Yeah, he validated that she's hitting it allright, but also managed to get into a fight about the cat. Fuck. Hate that... We seem to do stuff like that alot. Kinda ruins it, don't you think? Sigh.

Why is it that marriages can't be easier? He hates it when I do X, but he does Y over and over, which makes me do X. I could choose not to do X, but I'll be damned if I'm going to do nothing, and my default response is to do X.

Sigh.

Grrrrr.

Miss M's Birthday Story

Let's start with the day before - on Thursday I went into the OB...

Thursday:
- I went into the OB's office for a Non-Stress Test. Miss M was terribly agitated and kept kicking up a storm. For a full hour she kicked and fussed in there. So much, that the NST results were invalid. Who knew you could be TOO active on that test?
- The odd NST results meant that my OB was required to do a biophysical profile, to rule out any issues. Their US lab was full, so I did the ultrasound at my Perinatologist's office (in the same building).
- The Peri's tech found that she had 'Low Fluid', which led to questions about when I ate last. YOU KNOW when they ask that question that things are headed downhill pretty fast... My Peri's office had measured my fluid levels on Monday at ~12 cm, and on Thursday they were 2.5 cm. That's a HUGE drop - anything below 5 is considered bad. It was discussed whether I had a rupture, or if my Lovenox wasn't doing the job anymore and the placenta was failing. Either way, baby was now better out than in.
- "Severe Oligohydramnios" aka "Low Fluid" led to me sitting in L&D getting assigned to a room by 2:30 PM.
- C-section was scheduled for 7AM the following morning!
Note: if it weren't for the Lovenox, I'd have had the C-section that very night. Seriously.


Friday: OR Prep 5 AM
After a sleepless night, waking every hour on the hour thinking "it's time!", I finally was relieved to see it REALLY WAS 5AM. I got up, refreshed myself a bit, and met a shocked nurse coming through my door with a wheelchair. I think she was surprised I was up. :)

They wheeled me over to a teensy-tiny room in the OR/C-Section prep area, where I was poked and prodded a bit more for fun. Hubby arrived about that time...

BTW - did you know they have started shaving people again prior to a C? Yep. I bitched about it the whole time too - the nurse bitched right along with me! After about the 3rd time I got pinched by the clippers I told her to bugger off, and if anyone complained to tell them I refused treatment. :) She liked the idea, so I only got a mini-shave. Ha!


The Epidural:
The anesthesiologist and the NA showed up - that makes 5 in the tiny room...

The Epidural prep was going well until he put in the fluid... Suddenly I felt like I was drowning, but it was on the inside. My ears were stopped up, and the pressure in my head was incredible. I couldn't think straight. I thought I was dying. Really. I told those gathered what was going on, but everyone just stood there watching me, saying "It will be over in 2 seconds", over and over for what seemed like an eternity. I started crying, I really thought I was going to die. This went on for several minutes, I don't really know how many.

During this fiasco my OB's partner (the one doing my C-Section was someone else from her practice, I hadn't met him). He walks in, takes in the situation, and excuses himself saying that the room is too crowded. I remember moaning something about the "clown car being full".

At some point the pressure subsided some, and I tried to get an answer from the Anesthesiologist about what the FUCK had just happened. He didn't have an answer, just kept telling me I'd be fine. I even explained that I wanted a scientific discussion, it's then that I realized he wasn't simply being patronizing, "There, there Sweetie, It's OK", he really didn't know. HOW is it he didn't know? I think I might have scared him. He made a pretty quick exit about then.

Stitches vs. Staples:
When the drama was over the OB came back in - we'll call him Dick M. He introduced himself around, asked me if I had any questions... I asked him if he'd use Stitches vs. Staples to close me. He asked why, and I said, "They did a study...", which is where he rudely cut me off, told me "NO! There is no study. THEY have done no study!" I sat there dumfounded while he agreed to do stiches if he had an assistant that was trained. Then he left. WTF?

Luckily, I don't need to like the man, I just have to know that he can do the job. I knew he could, and happen to know someone else that had him do their C-Section too. Ugh.

C-Section:
They wheeled me into the OR, prepped me. Everything went well until they extracted Miss M. She cried a short cry. They took her past my head to another part of the room, but they didn't show her to me. Because she was turning blue. Note the blue-ish cast in this photo...

She wasn't able to breathe, and her lungs collapsed if they weren't bagging her. She was put on C-Pap and quickly took on a normal pink hue. Then she couldn't cry due to the C-Pap pressure. The room was way too quiet - everyone was tense.

My husband went to her - he took several photos... He kept telling me, "They are working on her, but she's OK." I couldn't quite see her, just the movement of people around her out of the corner of my eye. It was so hard.

People started talking about NICU vs. Transition - the two types of nurseries. I knew with her being early that this was very likely, but hadn't planned on the 'not breathing' part. I wanted so much to see her, but it was taking FOREVR - my heart was sinking - I only knew that they were saying they were "helping her breathe".

C-Section The Pain:
Somewhere around this time I started feeling pain from the C-Section in progress. The pain was raidiating up into my back and shoulders. It was getting worse. I was grunting and breathing hard.

The Nurse Anesthesia lady told me she needed to give me a shot in the arm. To which I replied, "I'm numb from the chest down! Can't you find a spot that's numb?". This got me reprimanded from the OB, and I quote, "You are having a C-Section and you are worried about a little stick?". To which I replied, "I can't do anything about the C-Section, so I'm entitled to whing about SOMETHING!". We didn't get on, can you tell?

I can hear you all now... WTF - Dawn, did you actually argue with the man that had cut you open? Yep. I sure did. While still open. I'm fiesty, maybe not brite, but I'm fiesty. HA!

SO, she stuck me in the arm. Fuckin' A Dude - that hurt.

The pain didn't decrease, it got way worse. More Epidural was applied... no use. More - the full syringe (9 unit) to be exact. No help. The pain was unending and growing stronger so that I came up off the table . Something was added to my IV and I suddenly became cross-eyed and couldn't focus. Didn't help the pain... Just F'ed up my vision.

Unfortunately, that was the EXACT moment they chose to bring Miss M for me to see for the 1st and only time for 12 hours. I couldn't see her.

Damn. Still makes me cry.

I panicked a bit... I couldn't focus my eyes. I could only squint and close one eye to stop the double-vision. Doing this I could just make out a hat, a small pink-ish chin, a C-Pap, and a blanket. I couldn't see my baby's face. I started repeating louder and louder that I couldn't see her... I could touch her, so I knew she was there, but I think it will haunt me forever that I was affraid I'd never see her alive again - I thought I could be missing my one chance.

I'm sitting here in tears, just remembering.

They took her away after waiting for a minute to see if my vision would clear... It didn't, and they had to get her to better life support soon. A mask was put over my face...

I woke up from a nice little dream... I didn't remember where I was for a few minutes... I was still in the OR, but it was much quiter - just a few people were there finishing up my stitches.

I felt odly at peace for a few moments. I thanked the NA for knocking me out. I had been so wound up with fear and pain and stress that I needed the brain break she gave me. Can't say enough nice things about that. Oh, and Bonus! Dr Dick M. was gone too...

They wheeled me in to the Recovery Room alone. Hubby and Miss M were off to the NICU and I was totally alone.

Before this, I had felt that with Jim's C-Section delivery that I'd missed out on a lot. I could see him in the warmer next to my bed in recovery, but didn't get to try to nurse him, I didn't get to hold him, the nurse essentially kept him occupied with this and that until it was time to be wheeled to our room. There was no bonding, but could see him.

This was so much worse... I wasn't sure where exactly they'd taken her. I wasn't sure how bad off she was. I hadn't seen her. I couldn't hold her. And yet, on this special level of hell... I could hear and see all 3 of the other ladies in recovery as they ooh'd and ahh'd over their new little ones. I could see their partners hover and coo.

I cried off and on most of the time I was in recovery. My nurse was rotated between the 3 patients... She kept coming by asking me, "Why are you crying, are you in pain?". I told her finally, and I sobbed harder. She pulled my privacy curtains, but I could still hear the first breastfeeding instructions being given to each Mom. I got to hear each major and many minor celebrations of new life.

I had no-one, and I was deeply depressed.

Sometime later my husband arrived - he was torn about what to do. He needed to be with M, they needed parental consent for some procedures. But he was super-worried about me. I kept crying, and I kept refusing to look at the pictures of Miss M.

Thinking about it later, I realized he probably thought I was scared to see her, and he was thinking that the pictures would help. He didn't understand that I couldn't look. It hurt too much to think about her. Just when I'd stop crying I'd remember that she was missing and I'd start all over again. I left my husband with no way to help, and I'm sorry for that. I didn't have any way to help me either...

Hubby left again and quickly came back with the Neonatologist in tow. I was given a rundown of Miss M's situation. Her condition was stable, but that she was suffering from Respiratory Distress - she was on C-Pap and a small amount of oxygen. He said that when they tried to take her off her lung would collapse. They were going to do X-Rays because she was breathing too hard and too fast - they needed to check for other lung complications.

A side note here to tell you that the Neonatologist was surprised that I didn't look scared, and I seemed to have some pretty detailed questions about her care. It is directly a credit to you all... for sharing all of the stories of all the NICU experiences. You guys shared your reality, and by putting it out there you helped me immensely... I knew what we were up against. I had facts, I wasn't terrified of the unknown - I knew something about the possible paths this would take.

A short while later, while I was still in recovery, the Neonatologist came back to tell us that her X-Rays were clear but her CO2 was 80% - way too high. High is 50%, and she was at dangerous levels. She was going into Repsiratory Failure.

He wanted to do an umbilical line to get a blood gas, which is a more acurate measure of Co2. Also, the umbilical line would provide them much-needed access to her. The X-Rays also needed to be repeated soon to watch for air collecting outside her lungs.

I sent hubby off to be with her - they would need authorization for some of the tests.

I cried more... I broke down and asked for my mother, but I was refused. I was told that Security concerns limited the number of persons allowed in recovery. It didn't matter that my support person wasn't there. My mother was within yelling distance, but she might as well have been on the moon. I cried quietly like a little lost child - secretly hoping that my Mommy would come find me.

A short time later I managed to move my legs and feet - aparently this is the ticket out of recovery. I was never so glad to leave a recovery room.

My reunion with my Mom was hard though... I wanted so much to tell her how I'd missed her. I wanted to cry and cry and have her hold me. I also knew that she wouldn't understand. She hadn't lived that hell with me. For her there had only been a couple of hours before she could see me - not a chasm the size of the Grand Canyon.

So, I delt with all the comings and goings and questions of nurses... I carried on bravely. It was distracting... It was passing time... I only had to make it 10 more hours before I could see my little girl. One day maybe I'll share this with my Mom... I wonder how she'll take it.

To be continued...

General Updates

Wow, It's been a MONTH! And MAN has it been a month...

I realized I've not posted any pics of our new girl, nor have I told our story in full. If you don't know me enough to have emailed me direct, you likely missed the details. Sigh.

SO, here's my attempt to relay where we are today, and in another post I'll recap Miss M's Birth story.

Today Miss M very clearly stopped fussing because she saw and heard me! YAY! She stopped, turned her head, and looked right in my eyes. She looked pleased, although she didn't smile. Kinda makes my heart warm just thinking about it.

I've been able to breastfeed, after a fashion. I'm only putting her on to feed every so often, which makes me happy... don't want to do that job full time. Unfortunately, it also means my milk supply isn't huge, which means she's not getting enough to eat that way. So, I let her get what she can, then I give her a bottle. This plan seems to be making us both happy, so I'm going with it.

I'm having to pay some pretty close attention to a slightly-flat spot on M's head. She CAN sleep the other direction (no torticolis) but she doesn't prefer to. Right now I'm just repositioning her head after she goes to sleep. She's started switching it back lately though, so I'm going to have to talk to the Dr about what I can do to keep her head turned.

Last night I took M for her sleep study. It appears she has the same type of breathing issue that her brother Jim had at birth. It is either A) immature nervous system, so that breathing isn't regulated correctly during sleep or B) reflux induced sleep disturbance accompanied by a decrease in blood-oxygen levels. I am giving 2 options because they don't know exactly what caused Jim's issues, and we won't find out for a couple of days what has caused M's. Likely we won't ever know really, but they'll treat her conservitavly until we get a positive sleep study. This is the same we did with Jim. Sigh.

I'm sighing because I know what it's like to have baby hooked up to oxygen 24/7, feeling like baby is on a 'leash', having the heart monitor go off by accident all the freakin' time, not being able to travel for more than 2 1/2 hrs, having to lug heavy O2 tanks around when I go to the store, etc. It isn't my fav.

Then again, I like having my kid alive, so I'll do what it takes. Doesn't mean I won't sigh about it though.

My family was here over the weekend - both brothers, my parents, my SIL and Neice (the other SIL and Nephew couldn't make the journey). We had a GREAT time! Jim latched onto my brothers like there was no tomorrow. Both Uncles were a HUGE hit. Jim made them go outside to play ball every chance he got - it didn't matter that it was freezing. He couldn't wait to 'play ball' again. I have to say, I was terribly happy to see him beem with pride while they played catch with him. I don't think I've ever seen him so animated.

At dinner Jim took a seat at the big table and instructed that each uncle would sit beside him. For once he didn't claim "I'm done!" after every bite. Frankly, I think dinner could have lasted all night and he'd have been OK with it. :)

I was sad to see my family leave, and I was a little worried that Jim would be heartbroken. I think he was, a bit, but he didn't cry or throw a fit. He seemed to accept it. All he said was, "We gonna go to Cene-see soon." Sweet thing.

At present I'm trying to figure out what everyone is getting for Christmas. I've got to plan for myself, Miss M, Jim, and my gifts to hubby. I also have to orchestrate what's coming in from extended family - we are already buried in toys, so I think I'm going to have to cull some stuff to make room for the new stuff. How do you guys handle this? Do you try to suggest appropriate toys or just see what turns up? Do you cull their old toys in advance? Do you cull them while they aren't home?

Challenge being, with 2nd baby here now, I need to cull but KEEP this stuff - no reason to re-buy these toys in a year. I've given away most of our infant toys, but they are scheduled to re-arrive soon-ish from my friend DD. My Den will simply implode like a toy-centered black hole if I don't do something soon.

How do you guys organize your kid's current toys? Do you use toyboxes, shelves, or build an annex to your house?

Jim seems to be coming down a bit from his terriblness. He still needs some managment help from time to time, but he's getting better. He has started being truly jealous of Miss M though. You should SEE the dark looks he gives her and anyone that dares hold her. Sheesh. We are trying to make sure he gets plenty of attention, while balancing it with reality. Tough to do sometimes.

Miss M is still sleeping lots, which makes the sleep study results pretty pertinent. She's spending about 2 to 3 hours awake per day, well, other than the time it takes to down a bottle and get a diaper change every 3 to 4 hrs. I have a fear that she's suddenly going to decide she's done sleeping for the next year! Ha!

Day before yesterday was Miss M's official due date. Hard to believe really. She reached 7.1 lbs last Tuesday, so I'm guessing she would have been a whopper if she'd stayed in to bake. Yikes.

It's funny some of the looks I get when I go shopping with her. People think I've brought a newborn, 2 day old, to the store. She's so tiny and cute. I can't make much progress without getting stopped for questions and peaks and people's stories. It's kinda fun, but also kinda tiring to tell it again and again.

I think I'm rambling... Let's see... What haven't I covered...

I think I'll move on to Miss M's birth story. See you at that post!

Mama’s Holiday Wish List Meme

Mama’s Holiday Wish List Meme
TodaysMama (link to: http://bit.ly/tmwishlist) and GameStop (link to: http://bit.ly/gamestop10) are giving away a sleighful of gifts this holiday season and to enter I’m sharing this meme with you.

1. What is your holiday wish for your family?
I wish for my newborn baby girl's sleep study to go well on Sunday, so that she won't have to spend her 1st Christmas on oxygen. Looks like she has the same breathing issue Jim did, so we are doing a sleep study to see what breathing support she needs. Also, I wish for my son to enjoy his 1st year with a little sister. The transition is going to be hard, but I wish for it to go as easily as possible for him.

2. What is your Christmas morning tradition?
We spend Christmas at my parents' home. We wake up to the smell of homemade sausage balls and Christmas Dinner's ham cooking. When the sausage balls are done it's TIME to OPEN presents! We always do the stockings last, since that is where my Mom puts the "extras" like batteries or accessory parts. Ha!

3. If you could ask Santa for one, completely decadent wish for yourself, what would it be?
I would wish for a trip to Ireland for 10 days, and an offer from a trustworthy family member to keep my kiddos while I'm away.

4. How do you make the holidays special without spending any money?
Our family was hit hard last year economically, so we had a Recycled White Elephant gift exchange. All of the gifts had to be either bought at a consignment shop or be a former gift to you that needed recycling. It was GREAT fun, and most people got something they really wanted out of the bargin.

5. What games did you play with your family growing up?
My brothers and I played computer games together, as a family we played Rook and Spades. One brother and I played D&D, which has lead to my love of RPG games on the computer.

6. What holiday tradition have you carried on from your own childhood?
Our Christmas was always about sharing time with our extended family. So I always make the needed effort to be with my extended family for the holidays. I've travelled great distances to make it happen, but I think it is more than worth it.

7. Where would you go for a Christmas-away-from-home trip?
One year I would like to travel to Boise, ID to have Christmas with my brother and his family.

8. Check out GameStop (link to: http://bit.ly/gamestop10) and tell us, what are the three top items on your GameStop Wish List this year?
1. XBox 360 with Kinect - I'd love to have the dancing game. I think my family would LOVE to play this together.

2. RockBand 3 Game - I love playing this game, but don't have it at our house yet.

3. Instruments for RockBand

Today Was The Day!

Today WAS the day that Miss M was supposed to be born via C-Section. Wow. She's still not 'due' until next Saturday. Seems a bit odd, huh?

Oddder still... Odder, I don't think it's a word, but I feel like going with it. ...She decided that TODAY would be the day she would wake up an greet the world for a few hours.

What do I mean? Ah, I can see you haven't had the joy of preemie sleep. She's essentially been asleep since we brought her home, until today. Sure, she has been awake off and on for feedings every 3 to 4 hours, but then she's gone right back to sleep. Really. I've spent a number of hours holding her, but very few of those included time where she was awake.

Today that all changed... I realized at about Midnight that she'd been awake for an hour. By 3 AM she was just starting to get a little sleepy. Then she awoke for her 10 AM feed and stayed awake until 1 PM. That is the very longest she's ever been awake. Really.

So, I got to know my little one a bit today. It's been nice.

Also had a GREAT afternoon out with Jim. We drove out to DD's house for her twins' 1st birthday party. They had a great turnout, and everyone seemed to have a good time, including the babies. There was lots of food, fun, and catching up with old friends and making new ones. We had a good time overall.

Jim won the hearts of several of the party-goers. He lost one though, when she realized he still isn't fully potty-trained. She was kinda rude about it, but I'm not sure she's not right. He's almost 3 - it really is time to get the potty training finished. It simply hasn't been my priority, and I told her so. She agreed that made sense after hearing my recent PG/Delivery story. :)

Updates on recent topics:
Heebie Geebies - all gone as far as I can tell. I've not had any real anxiety for non-real concerns for several days. In other words... there are SOME things that SHOULD make you nervous, that is just life. I've not had any unexplained anxiety though for many days.

C-Section Healing: Yeah, I was doing good until a couple of days ago. I think I hurt myself. I need to take it easy for a couple of days to make sure I don't end up really, really injured. I'm not showing any signs of infection, internal bleeding, etc. I just have a bit of pain where I didn't, and I'm pretty stiff in my midsection after I've been in one position too long.

Terrible Two Tantrums: We are taking this day-by-day and trying to work through our son's agressions vs. quite so much punishing. We have set some rules about what will and won't be tolerated, and we are doing our best to stick to it. It's kinda like some weird Jekel and Hide thing though - I never know which kid I'm going to get.

What exactly was that?

Over the last few weeks, even before Miss M arrived, Jim has been acting out in what I think the typical 2 year old fashion. I say I think, because he's never really acted like a normal two year old. He is usually very calm and pretty easy to handle.

Lately though he's been a bit of the Terror, he's been screaming, crying, yelling no, demanding his way, and throwing tantrums. Do know, when I say lately I don't mean since Miss M has been home, I mean for the last month or more.

Last night was something else alltogether though... We hit  an all-time new high in terrible.

We had all of the normal hoo-ha of late, with an extra helping of inconsolable tantrum. Finally I figured out he was simply way-the-hell over-tired, so I encouraged his crying, and was rewarded with a boy that collapsed into sleep, on the floor, totally exhausted. We were very happy to let him sleep.

When he woke up... It was as if a hurricane had passed through, and  all of that dark emotion was swept clean.

The end of the evening found me humming the Twighlight Zone theme. ;)

13 Days and a haircut

Miss M is now 13 days old... Wow.

I got my driving privileges back at my post-op appt. Yay me! So right now I'm sitting, waiting to get my hair done.

My Mom is leaving for her home tomorrow, she thinks she's done, but I could stand another 2 wks. ;p  She doesn't live close, so I'm on my own from here until we setup a visit at Christmas.  :(

Hubby will be home with me next week, not sure how that will go. I should probably make a list of to do's so i can get some much-needed tasks accomplished. Hmmm.

Miss M is now up to 5lb 8oz, she has a bit more to gain before she's back to birth weight, bit she's doing good. We are doing feedings every three hours - not bad so far, but that's with multiple people caring for her. I'll have to update next week on how it's going with less help.

I got out a brand new piece of baby gear today-a Fisher Price sleep and play rocker (think that's the name). It is basically a rocking hammock. Looks very comfy and seems to have passed the Miss M happy test for now.

Gotta sign-off, hair must get done!

Home and the Heebie Geebies

Hey guys! I'm back!! Note: at the bottom of this post I've asked for some info from you guys to help me with the Heebie Geebies.

I'm sorry I didn't post more while in the hospital... I was having a hard time making everything come together. Thanks VERY much to Stacie for doing some interim updates for us!

Miss M. came home with me on Tuesday! She was released at 5 lbs 4 oz.

I stayed a total of 4 days after the c-section to give us more time to get to know her. She stayed in room with us for 2 days, but both nights I sent her to the nursury becuase I wasn't comfortable that she wouldn't be monitored by someone for several hours. I was certainly affraid of her having a downturn and us not hearing her distress.

We've been home now for a few days. She is sleeping really well - about 3 hrs at a time after her feedings. She has at least 1 wakeful period each night, for a couple of hours, but mostly she is still doing the preemie sleepies. I expect she'll wake up in a week or so.

About me... There's phyisical pain and emotional pain...

Physical... My c-section pain just wasn't that bad this time! I had about 2 days where I really needed nar.cotic meds, but then I switched to Motrin/Tylenol for 2 days, and then was done. My back hurts if I stand/walk too long, but overall I'm not taking anything other than Advil and that's only if the pain gets out of control.

I've been doing some pumping of breastmilk, but I've pretty much decided I don't want to be a milk cow. She won't latch yet (probably because there isn't enough milk) and I keep avoiding pumping, even when I know I should. I just don't think I have it in me to do this part. I also don't want to get full of milk just in time to stop BF when I go back to work. I have no interest in lugging a machine to and fro. I just don't see it happening.

Mental... I've got a full-on case of anxiety. Pretty much any time I think of the baby or my son I get anxious and have stomach cramps, a hard time breathing, and generally am too petrified to move. This isn't good when you have 2 kids and need to learn to juggle caring for both. Sigh.

My Mom and Hubby are helping me with it - I'm talking with them and explaining how it feels inside. They have both been very good to talk it through with me and keep me moving. I find for me that is the key - once I get moving on a task I stop being freaked out.

Anyone else out there have this kind of anxiety thing? How long did it last? What did you do to combat it? I'm looking for clues about how to get my life back on track and start handling this thing better.

Re: Miss M: progress

Note: This update is from Sunday....

Apparently, Miss M is more of a go-getter than even we imagined... They called earlier to say she might be released to our room tonight! All she has to do is have one more uneventful feeding of 1oz (no choking or resp distress) and we'll be able to keep her with us!

Wow, huh? On Friday we are talking about ventilation options and co2, and on Sunday we are looking at which car to put the baby seat in!

I have to admit, as small as she is, I'm a little nervous of her, but I'm also able to see she's clearly more alert and more interactive. When we saw her and fed her at Noon, It was clear she was hungry and also very clear when she was full.

The whole thing is a bit surreal...

I'm doing fine... This is day 2, and my pain is tolerable on just motrin and tylenol. I'm still easily exhausted, but I'm coping pretty well.

Jim is going to TorT with Daddy and either Nana or Patpat. The non-Jim person will come to the hospital with me.

Miss M Is Here!

If you would, go over to Stacie's blog Here Storkey Storkey for info and updates temporarily.

Mommy's had a long day...

Update, GD Hospital Food Anyone?

So, I'm in my room... Baby is doing great on the monitor!  Yay!

I've been keeping in touch with the outside world giving updates and getting things done. Can't get a stable connection via my laptop, but I'm rockin my Droid. :)

Thanks to everyone for their well-wishes and concern... It means a lot to know you guys are  out there rooting for me and my little girl! 

Speaking of which, I just had an uplifting conversation with Stacie, of Here Storky. Thanks so much for the chat girlfriend! 

So, dinner is served... What are we having? A GD dinner was ordered for me...  Hmmm....
- A roll - high glycemic index, check!
- Apple sauce - high glycemic, ck!
- Apple juice - hg index, ck!
- Rice, plain (we wouldn't want any spice to get on there, would we?) - very high glycemic index, double-check!
- Cooked carrots, totally plain, thank you very much - also very high glycemic index, double-check!
- Piece of over-cooked lightly spiced chicken - whew! Thought they weren't going to sneak anything healthy in there!  Just made it!

So, I sent it back. I just hope this crushed ice isn't all I get until hubby gets here.

Sigh.

On My Way!

Odd NST results led to an US.
Low fluid led to questions about when I ate last.
Both things led to me sitting in L&D getting assigned to a room.

C-section is tomorrow morning!

Baby says Boooooo first thing tomorrow!

Baby Celebration Mash-up

My wonderful coworkers threw me a full-fledged Baby Shower party with balloons and the whole 9. 

During the shower 2 of the ladies insisted hubby and I stand, then they brought over the cake... We were given a cake knife and then there was some distraction about where the candle went... I started giggling a little because I was thinking it sounded like it was someone's birthday...

They apparently couldn't find the candle, so decided the cherry on the cake would have to suffice... Which confused the crowd greatly...

I started giggling harder  (and was not alone) when we were instructed to hold hands while we cut the cake. Hubby says, "Didn't we do that already? This seems familiar"...

Laughter in the group started to really build...

Then one of the two ladies starts clapping and singing, "Happy baby shower to you..." to the tune of "He's a Jolly Good Fellow". I started laughing so hard I had to sit down.

So we had a WONDERFUL baby-shower-wedding-birthday-congratulations-on-the-great-job shower!

I love these people!

P.S. If you didn't figure it out for yourself, the two ladies are not originally from this country, but I'm so thankful they are here and love me enough to throw me such a great party.

All's well by morning light

All's well.  By morning my boy wanted nothing more than to be with mommy. Hubby and I were at a loss for words.

Today we plan to go shopping for cheap Halloween  decorations, because I've lost my mind and invited people to my home for a party next Saturday night.

Yes, You read that right... I'm throwing a party at my home at 35 wks PG. I think this is the difference between a new Mom and a seasoned Mom. Either that, our I'm just crazy.

US went well on Friday... Baby is looking good. Have another scheduled for Monday. Baby is sideways (transverse), which has been a challenge got me physically, but she seems to have moved this afternoon, so I'm feeling a little easier now... Then again, my hip now hates me... Anyway... All is basically well.

Wow, Didn't See That Comming

I've never really understood how or why people send their kids to bed without din ner. My parents never used that tool, they made us suffer through dinner while they gave us the hairy eyeball... I've always thought that was bad enough.

Tonight my kid has taught me that I really don't know a damn thing about parenting. I'm totally ready to send a 2.5 year old to bed without dinner to get him out of my sight.

He decided that he wanted Daddy instead of Mommy to pick him up from school, so he refused to leave with me... Can you say embarrassing? Then he finally realized he had no choice, so he proceeded to berate me all the way home, sulk, and said he didn't like his Mommy.

This escalated to a full-on tantrum at home... Wherein my lovely son told me to go away, that I was not nice. Time-out turned into a mess...

I ended up leaving him lying on the floor crying, while I went out on the deck and had a calming period. Then I made myself dinner, offered him some (which he refused), and proceeded to eat by myself while my son continued to tell me how unworthy I am. 

Oddly enough the insults, minor as they really were, stopped hurting or making me mad after a few mins... I just wanted him to be on bed so I didn't have to play the game anymore.

I'd say he is going to wish I hadn't learned to think that way... What do you think?

Btw- I couldn't help but think of the new baby on the way... Do we have to do this all again? I guess if we are lucky then yes, I guess we do.

Sigh

A Post in Bullets - 33 wks

What's up? Hmmmm... Think I'll do this post in bullets, so it actually gets done.

• I haven't said so previously, but I'm truly OVER THE MOON about the fact that 2 of my bloggy-buddies are in the PG saddle with me AGAIN! Both Mrs. Spock and Stacie were my gestational pals the 1st time around! I want both of you to know that it makes my heart sing to know you are my sisters-in-crime once more. I'm so terribly excited for you guys.
  

• Had a Peri appt today - Little Miss is looking good - she's estimated at 5.5 lbs or so. Dr. said all is going well, and I've setup all my apts through the end of Oct.

• I have about 6 wks to go now. Nov 20th sounds so far away, but really, I know it'll be here before long at all.

• I've been having a good number of "contractions", which seem to be pretty strong, but are most likely just BH contractions.
  

• My boy Jim is doing well. That is, last time I saw him! I left before he awoke this morning, and I came home after he was in bed. Since his Daddy doesn't look concerned, I'm going to bet he's doing OK.

• In recent days Jim has started to act like a baby a number of times. I'm thinking he's noticing all the changes around here - seeing all the pink flooding into the house, and is starting to get worried. He's started crawling. Really. And he's started acting out simply for the sake of being difficult. So far it is manageable, but wearing on my nerves.
  

• Jim has decided what his "Sissy's" name is going to be - he picked from our list of 4 names. He's been calling her by name now for a couple of weeks. It is so sweet to have him count her as being "in our family".

• Mom Mom's best friend from High School is so excited for us - she LOVES little girls. So, she sent me a good-sized box of new clothes through 6m size, the baby's 1st teddy bear, and a very cute "Mother-To-Be Bracelet". So sweet and thoughtful of her.
  

• Not sure if I mentioned it before, but I've gotten hubby roped into a project for Halloween. I want to make some of those BIG cutouts/silhouettes for the yard. You know, witches and cats and such. I just have to get him moving on bringing home some plywood... Mmmm and Black paint. The rest is in my list of to-dos. I gotta get moving on it though, or we'll not get it done!

• Jim is not only talking like a pro now, but he's also coming up with his own stories, games, songs, and explanations for the way the world appears to work. It is sooo fun to just just listen to him create the world. I just want to grab him up and hug him for being so neat.
  

• I'm finding it very hard to be motivated to get my house in order... I want sooo much to clean out a bit more of the clutter around here. I also want to re-decorate the HUGE mantle in our den, but I can't seem to get past thinking about it. I need something to inspire me - the right piece of artwork or large thingamabob to start my plan in motion. Not sure if I'll get it done before baby gets here, which makes me sad.

• I'm also finding it hard to get gumption to setup the nursery for Little Miss. I keep going in there, and I'm seeing things that need doing, but I'm not making much progress. Last night was a banner night (sorted clothes, put things in the right drawers, etc). MAYBE my issue is that I'm hung up on not having a changing table in that room. I switched out some furniture, so now I have a gaping hole where the changing table should be. Need to shop for that this weekend.

• Funny thing... I appear to be still in denial that there's going to be a baby soon. I totally forgot that I need to setup the bassinet upstairs, find a the pieces to the Pack-n-play bassinet attachments, and get my stroller frame back from my girlfriend. Maybe I should make a list. Hmmm...

• My cat has come to realize he's not really welcome to walk/sleep/jump on my tummy anymore. What's a cat to do? He now lays, half-on half-off my tummy, which makes him a sort of tummy-cozy. Little Miss doesn't appear to like it... So, she starts kicking him. HIS Reaction? He looks around, sorta bewildered, to see what's amiss. :)

I'm getting very sleepy. Heading to bed!

Walk of Hope & 31 Wk PG Update

Well, I did it! I collected money, I showed up, I met Julie, and I walked in the Resolve Walk of Hope last weekend! At 31 wks pregnant that isn't anything to sneeze at either! The walk wasn't really very long, and thankfully it wasn't as dreadfully hot as it has been lately (but still hot enough).

Best of all... I walked with Julie, yes THAT JULIE, and had a DIVINE time! We walked and talked, we reviewed our stories, discussed extended-length blogging (hers), and generally had a good time overall. After the walking part - we sat in a gourgeous park-area, ate muffins, and I met Jen, Andrea, and Renee. We chatted, played with babies, ate muffins, took bets on how much sugar Jen's kiddo could handle without self-destructing, and had a nice relaxing time. For the record - that kid can handle her sugar!

Later in the day we met up for dinner and added Jennifer to our crew. We had a nice dinner and got to know each other a bit better. I've said so in my comments to Jen and Julie, but I felt like I talked my head off because I was like a puppy at Christmas, all happy to meet my family. It felt very good to meet people that I KNOW will understand my struggle - I don't have to explain IF, or thrombophilia, or how I could shoot myself up daily with NEEDLES to get a child.

Best of all, when I qualified all of my statements about this pregnancy with something like "Assuming all goes well..." no one chided me. No one tried to talk me into be giddy with excitement. Everyone simply nodded and said, "I know exactly how you feel". All I can say is THANKS for that ladies. I didn't feel like a freak, and that meant a lot.

I have to say, when I was at the Resolve walk, it felt very good to look at the rather-large gathering and KNOW that each of those ladies and gentlemen had a story similar to mine. All of the children were works of ART. Seeing all the babies and toddlers made me feel like I was right where I needed to be, doing what needed to be done.

At one point I spoke with one of the RESOLVE team, Renee, about the lobbyist work that was being done on behalf of the RE physicians. Her story struck home with me...

Apparently, there was recently some legislature proposed in Georgia that would change the rules re: embryos (as I remember it) that would make IVF unavailable/illegal as an ART therapy. The lobbyist and (I think) the Resolve team got people and their familys together to go down to the Capital... The bill was stopped by presenting these families and asking the legislators a simple question, "Sir, which of these children would you say was unecessary. Tell me, which one is one too many?". The bill was killed.

That was profound to me... Here there was a group of legislators threatening to take away my ART privilidges. Threatening to take away my ability to make a family. I didn't even know. I was totally UNAWARE that this was going on right under my nose.

That got my attention...

So, I hope I can remember this story after our baby girl is safe at home. Once I'm not on the IF roller coaster I want to start doing what I can for Resolve. I want to be sure that the next IF couples on this journey are given the opportunity to have their families.

**subject change warning!**
-------------------

This baby girl is doing her utmost best to crawl her way out of my belly. It feels very much like she's digging for gold in there! I hope she finds some - it might help pay off some of the IVF bills. HA! I kid.

I didn't feel this uncomfortable with Jim. I wasn't this big this early either! My belly is very high this time, and very, very round. It is extrememly obvious that I'm PG, not fat. I get pretty intense tightening several times a day now (not quite as bad as I remember Braxton Hicks, but getting close). Everything seems to be WAY faster with this one...

I'm now so big that people are stopping me to ask when I'm due, and they are expecting an answer of 3 wks or less. So, it is kinda fun when I get to say 8 wks, and wait for their mouths to fall open and eyes to bug out! HA! The immediate stare at my mid-section never fails to amuse me.

List of items to update about from previous posts:

• My Gest.ational Dia.betes appears to be under good control.
• My Syn.throid Rx (for Thyroid issue) has finally been officially reduced back to a reasonable dose
• My mood is GREATLY improved.
• I have setup a marriage counseling appointment for next week for hubby and I
• My son seems to be holding up under all the changes that are occuring at our home (including the influx of pink clothing and toys)
• I have a C-section date scheduled!!!! Nov 20th!
• Baby is supposedly ~ 4.5 lbs - about 2 wks ahead.

I think that's all the news that is news here at Lake Won'tBeLong. Goodnight.

I'm Walking... Not the Way You Think Though!

I've decided to join Julie over at A Little Pregnant in the RESOLVE walkathon this weekend! Yeah, I know I'll be 31 weeks PG, but damn, I can walk SOME!

I've already raised $75, and that's just 2 people. Gotta love family.

I rarely ever do fundraisers, but when I realized what I'd be missing if I DIDN'T go... Well, I decided I had to. I tend to donate, but I don't get involved, unless it's in the planning part of a fundraiser. I've actually helped put together a walkathon for MS, so I have some real street cred in that department.

Anyway... I'm walking with team "No, you Relax!". I love the name, and it fits my personality beautifully! If you want to support my walk, I'll send you the info you need to do it. However, do know I don't expect it from anyone that reads me here, so I'm not posting it outright.

Do know, I love you guys, and I think of your support for me very often. So, I'm walking for all of us ladies that support each other, and most of all... For all the ladies that will come after us in the IF journey. Maybe, just maybe by walking and raising awareness, I can make that road easier for someone else.

SUBJECT CHANGE WARNING!!!
*-------------------------------------------*

Sorry, didn't want to hurt anyone with the sudden change of topics....

I saw the endocrinologist today... She said something along the lines of "WHOA!" when she saw the huge increases in my synthroid in the last 8 months. She said that looking at my data it's no wonder I felt like crap. I've been pushed from 50 mcg to 125 mcg in a VERY short period of time. She also felt that for whatever reason my Drs had missed 2 key dosage levels on the way to the 125mcg dosage. Turns out there was an 88 mcg and a 112 mcg option for this drug - yeah, my Drs just skipped it.

So, she's running a NEW baseline for my thyroid, and she's going to determine next steps from there. YAY! She will likely leave me at the reduced synthroid level, and may possibly lower it. Reason: Baby is making it's OWN thyroid hormones now, so MINE aren't as key anymore.

Sigh. I feel better already.

BoNuS! She's also a diabetes specialist, so she's going to take over my potential gest.ational dia.betes care too! YAY! Only one doc will mess with all my prescriptions! YAY!

Today hasn't been as bad as yesterady. Hubby and I are surviving so far. We'll see what comes of it.

Life in the Moment

hmmm.... where to start.

Yesterday, I would have told you all about how great my visit with the counselor went. I found someone that isn't interested in simply medicating me - since she agreed my issues were directly the result of a medication change.

I had found out well before my appointment, thanks to some super-sleuthing from my hubby, that the increase in my thyroid meds were possibly causing my distress and sudden mood change. So I self-medicated, by dropping back to my previous dose, and suddenly the world was a brighter and MUCH nicer place. ...Who knew Thyroid meds could make you super-depressed and anxious? Weird, huh?

Anyway, the Dr/Counselor I went to see recommended I go to an Endocrinologist to get my thyroid levels professionally adjusted, and to make sure someone was closely monitoring me AND my mood as the drugs are altered.

I have an appt with the Endo doc on Monday. Yay me!

Today, I would tell you that I'm still quite unhappy at times, and not all of it is med or baby-related. I have some gripes with hubby. I'm not sure how I'll deal with them either. I'm not sure how we'll recover from the place we've gotten to - both of us are pretty tired of it.

This isn't where I wanted to be right now. I have 8 to 9 weeks to go in this pregnancy - I want to be sailing into the finish, not riding stormy seas and wondering if I'll capsize and drown. I am really exhausted mentally - too much stress and struggle. I want some time off to myself.

I considered calling my folks and seeing if I (just me, no kiddo) could come work from their house for a week (I'm allowed to work-from-home sometimes). Then I realized I'm not allowed to drive that far at this point - it's 5 hrs 1 way, and I'm not supposed to do more than 2 or so at a stretch at this point. Grrr. I COULD do it, but it'd take me extra hours, and it seems like a long way to go to get some downtime. AND there's no gaurantee it'd be down time since my Mom and Dad would be all up in my business wanting to get to the bottom of me running away from home.

Sigh.

I don't really want to actually run away from home. I just want some relief. I don't think I'll be getting it for some time though.

Then there's the question of my parents' plans to come help me when baby gets here. Last week we discussed it and my Mom said something about being home for Thanksgiving. I'm confused by this, since I'm likely not going to get out of the hospital until that very day. Current thinking is we'd do a c-section on the 22nd of Nov - that puts me out of the hosp on the 25th, most likely.

Anyway, I'm just going to have to work through it the best I can. Maybe she was thinking that I'm right that this baby will make an appearance early. Little Miss seems to be getting impatient. I've been having Braxton Hicks pretty often when standing. Not terribly painful, just uncomfortably tight. I know that isn't a true indicator, but everything seems to be faster/earlier this time - and I'm huge! I look like I could pop any day now.

So... not sure what else to add to it all. I'm just hanging out and hanging on. Not sure what the world is gonna throw at me next. Hopefully it will be something good. All in all though, I know that things are maneagable, just not exactly how I'd like them. So, I'll just have to deal until I can work it all out.

Maybe this is my own form of "What IF?"...

You know me a little... I'm normally mostly upbeat, right?  So, how do I ever explain? 

 

Explain being sad, and yet happy at the same time?

Explain that infertility stole the happiness of this pregnancy from you. You can't help but think of the other 6 pregnancies that didn't work out.

Explain that in your heart you knew this baby was a girl, but you were scared shitless when it was confirmed because you lost your last little girl in the 2nd trimester.

Explain that imagining delivering early seems like a good idea at times, only because it'd get your baby out of your wonky body and into more capeable hands faster?

Explain that you sometimes have to fake being excited, just so you don't stress out your well-meaning family and friends.

Explain that you feel like the last 7 years of your life have been dedicated to having babies, and that really, you are done hearing how you need to eat this, do that, don't do this - you want your freakin' body back. And, Dr Wonderful, I'm sorry if you want blood checks from me 4 times a day, I don't give a flying Fuck - deal with it.

 

See... you can't... not really. And it isn't even every day that really feel this way - it is only some of these items on some days, and others on other days. Also, you can't show your ass everytime someone wishes you well. So, you just suck it up and prepare to slog through the remaining 10 wks.

 

Oh yeah, when you see the neighbor and her little girl out for a stroll, the one that was born the same week your little lost soul was due, you are thankful to God that there are strangers standing nearby. It's so you can't lay down in your driveway and cry like a baby. Or worse yet, run screaming out in the street to tell her how it is all OK, because you are soon due with another girl. Sigh.

 

Yeah... I've got issues - they normally lurk farther under the surface. recently for some reason they are popping up like dandelions. I think it might actually be from the greatly-increased Synthroid...  They've double it over the last 3 months. I cut back 1 level last week, and I'm feeling much better... So, gotta talk to them about that on Thurs.  Also, I've called my OB and asked for a referral for someone to talk to. I just have to get feeling better before my little girl arrives... No reason for her to have to live in this sad and dark place with me.

 

24W2D Peri Visit

Went to see the Peri again today - all is looking good. He was pleased with the baby's progress and reported that the fluid looked good in there today. She was punching and kicking a lot (has been all day), so we got a good look at her most-recent favorite activity - kicking the fool outta Mommy.

I'm getting pretty darned uncomfortable. She's kicking hard now, and my belly isn't taking it in stride. When I stand up I feel like 20lbs of lead is hanging from my mid-section, and it kicks. It simply feels like there is no room in there for her.

My belly is tensing up often (probably my old friend B. Hicks). I'm often in actual pain when standing - as standing seems to make the tensing of my belly worse. Anyone have any ideas how to combat this discomfort?!?!?!

Our boy Jim had a "red letter" day about 4 days ago! (aka. a day so special the calendar date is shown in red) He started WEARING UNDERWEAR!!!!! From about 10 AM each day to somewhere after dinner he is successfully wearing underwear!! We've had 2 accidents in about 4 days of wearing real big-boy underwear. I consider that to be EXCEPTIONAL! YAY!!!

On top of that greatness, we've had a breakthrough in his voicing his "I gotta go potty!". That's a major milestone - before he would never tell us, we'd just find out after he was wet/dirty. He's even taking himself to the potty on some mornings now - he says, "I do it myself!". OH, and TMI for his future-self, but he's ALSO doing #1 standing up. He's been doing that for several months now, but it is soooo darned cool to see him assume the position with confidence.

Jim is asking LOTS about his "baby si-ser" these days (note there is no t in the word). Often he asks, "Is your baby OK?", or "You got a baby in your belly?", or "When is baby sis-er coming home?". It is sooo sweet. He's even starting to get quite protective of me and her. I scolded our cat Humphries, but Jim didn't see the "reason" for it, so he asks, "Humphries, did you bite Mommy? No! No!", to which I replied that Humphries doesn't bite and Mommy isn't hurt. Then he said, "Humphries, did you walk on Mommy's baby?!? No! No, Humphries!". I don't think he ever got it that Mr. H was just being anoying - he didnt' do anything to really deserve scolding, but it was sweet nonetheless.

Lastly... and probably most funny... Jim seems confused about the baby's whereabouts on my body. He understands the baby is "in my tummy", but when he looks at me before/after shower, etc. he seems to think my boobs are somehow related to her whereabouts. He keeps trying to figure it out, and so we once-again point out the BELLY and how HUGE it is. Alas, he's no wiser about her location. :) That's just fine though. :)

I'm often thinking of my bloggy friends. I wish I could make myself blog more often though. I kinda suck at the whole "give" part of give-and-take these days.

Updates, conversations, and comfort

All went well with the scan on Monday, fluid looked good and Dr is pleased, which of course pleases me!

Little Miss was doing lots of moving and stretching - grabbing toes and sucking her thumb. Awwwwww.

Later in the day I called on of my brothers to give him grief. He owes me dates for a possible summer weekend trip. We e.red up talking over the issue of infertility, costs, and insurance. He sees IF coverage as a perk, but seemed to reconsider when he realized I would have no Jim without the aid of insurance. Not only that, but my IF issue is a treatable condition! If someone had told me 6 years ago that I just had to take shots to get/stay PG who knows how different my little life would be.

So I've converted my non-believer for the month...

On to comfort... I'm not getting much of that lately. My belly seems to object to me standing up in the evenings. Objects as in major unpleasant tightening up to and including stomach upset. Ugh. As i understand it- Little Miss is head-down, so some of this is just from being kicked in the stomach after-dinner entertainment.

I'm just trying to hang in and not look too closely at how far it is to Nov. I should just hush, shouldn't I? Sigh. It isn't really that far.

Then there's the pelvic pain- sometimes it feels like my pelvis is going to spontaneously separate at any moment while walking. This happened with Jim, so I kinda know where it is headed.

21W 5D - Hanging in...

I'm still here... Starting to get pretty frequent kicks from Little Miss. :)

Most of you wouldn't know this, but I get quite when things aren't great. So, while I've thought of blogging, I haven't had the gumption to do it. It's been hard to know what to say. I can't seem to shake the "dropping the other shoe" feeling. I just can't.

I have an OB Peri appt tomorrow to check on my fluid levels - you think I could get an oil change and tire rotation while I'm there?

Seriously... They are a bit concerned about low fluid levels this go-round. Last time, for those that don't have a chart with all my gyno history in it, I had Pre-Prom, which isn't as fun as it was when I was 17.

Pre-Prom is short for some long medical term that means too much fluid and a possiblity of severe and potentially catastrophic failure of the membrane/placenta. If it had ruptured prematurely my son could have been... well, let's just say it would have been very bad. I'll not go into details.

So, this time, it seems that Little Miss is not getting enough fluid, and it is likely due to the bloodclotting issue. I've been told to drink more water. If that hasn't done the trick by tomorrow's scan, I'll likely have to up the # of shots per day of blood thinner. If that doesn't work, I'm going to be put on bed rest. Really.

All I can do is try and imagine that... Bed rest, for me, because of clotting issues? Huh? Doesn't sound right. Anyway - we'll cross that mattress when we come to it.

Still Here - Still PG!

I'm still around! I'm just doing my best to survive right now - my home and work seem to be contriving to kill me slowly. I'm just hanging in and hanging on.

In baby news... Have you guys ever noticed that when you use a doppler to find the BB's heartbeat that the baby gets all unhappy and starts moving to try to get away? Honestly...

Jim did that, I was SURE of it at the time. Now this one is doing it too. I think my baby can hear it and is FREAKED OUT by it. He/She was just hanging out, being chill, but then the doppler came on and he/she started jumping all over the place. Specifically, there was a distinct movement AWAY from the doppler. I swear it.

In other baby news... I am ALMOST 19 wks. I can't believe it! My hubby sent me a text to say that 2 of the ladies at his office asked if we'd be interested in attending a baby shower. I replied, "Sure, who's it for?". I think you'll be amazed to know that his answer wasn't "Duh!".

Do you think I still haven't let myself be convinced we are having another kiddo in the house in 4-ish months?

In Sister-In-Law news...
Thanks for all the suggestions! Turns out she and my brother managed to nix all of them through my Mom's emails to me. Sigh. HOWEVER, she confided in my Mom that she needed new necklaces - ones that would cover her scar and wouldn't be heavy on her neck.

So, yesterday a salesperson, Jim, and I frolicked and played in a GREAT accessories shop we have just 2 mins down the road from me. I bought her 7 necklaces, most have matching earrings too! I brought them home and wrapped them in pretty paper... I'm sending them along with a card to tell her to give away any of them she doesn't care for.

I feel awesome that I can give her something she wants.

BEST NEWS YET... They said her thyroid cancer is the "good" kind, if that is possible with cancer. She really might come out of this OK. The cancer was fully encapsulated, but they are going to do radiation treatments to get any cells that might have escaped.

I'm not sure I ever mentioned it, but my brother (her husband) broke my heart some weeks ago... He asked me if I'd agree to be guardian of their son if something happened to him. Of COURSE I agreed, but it is hard to remember that email without tearing up. I sure hope this cancer report means that future is less-likely for him. While I'd love him like my own, I would greatly prefer that my brother and SIL remain fully capable of taking care of their son well into his mid-life crisis. :)

Wonderful words...

AS I've said before, Jim talks well, and our neatest conversations seem to happen in the car. I think maybe it is because he's a big fan of vehicles. :)


We are using cars to teach Jim his colors. It's lots of fun! He does pretty well at it.

Some of our favorite cars to see:

Conberdidable - Jim seems to prefer older models
Ambuwance - he imitates these at top volume
Big Truck - which can be any type from a delivery truck to a semi.
Fire Truck - which he says is "going to help somebody". :)
Tractor - Any kind of big construction machinery, which is because his Mommy is an idget and can't remember the names of them to teach him. :)

Riding with him is LOTS of fun these days. We talk about school, and his friends, and what they learned today. I'm appreciating his sense of humor more and more everyday.

Today he said, "We almost to my neighborhood!", and I was very excited. Then he said, "YOU no go to my neighborhood.", and I thought about playing sad, but then I realized it was funny to imagine how he'd get home without me. So, I told him how he was being silly. He laughed and agreed, "Silly Jim".

I'm so lucky to have him in my life.

SIL update... You may remember, my SIL was diagnosed with thyroid cancer a little over a month ago. They had told her that it was likely a BAD kind, but wouldn't know until after surgery. The surgery was today... She came through it OK. We hope to hear tomorrow which kind of thyroid cancer it is.

I'm taking a poll - if you were in the hospital after this kind of surgery, would you want:
A. Flowers
B. Flowers with Balloons
C. To be left alone
D. One of the above sent to your house AFTER you are home

A True Love Story

Today was a major milestone for Jim - he saw his first movie on the big screen! We took him and a similarly-aged friend to the movies to see Toy Story 3. They both sat through the WHOLE thing! That was even after we had to wait a full hour for the theater to get the film running!

I was very impressed with my little guy - he was so very brave during the scary parts, and so empathetic with the sad parts. It was wonderful.

After the movie we parted ways with out friends and did a bit of shopping (I needed some maternity pants!). I had struck out on my own, as maternity stores are kinda a personal thing. On the way, I passed a Disney store and found that they had a cloth Woody doll, and I coveted it for my son. I am not typically covetous of commercialized products, really, I kinda have a hatred of marketing aimed at kids. However, this just stole my heart, and I know my son really loves watching "Woody and Buzz".

I only resisted buying the doll due to my expectation of scorn from my also-not-covetous-of-commercialized-toys hubby.

Later, at lunch in the mall I casually mentioned that I'd seen a "real cloth W-O-O-D-Y" at the Disney store. Much to my surprise, hubby's eyes lit up as he whispered, "How Much?". To which I smiled and slyly said, "$15". Hubby smiled more and said, "Does it have a real String?", and I giddily answered an emphatic "YES!". I could tell IMMEDIATELY that at least ONE of us would be headed back to the Disney store.

When we arrived, Jim zoomed in on the Toy Story display, and ran to grab the object of his love... I watched as Hubby stood there dumbfounded, seeing his small boy grabbing one of the many dolls and yelling, "My Buzz!".

Hubby just stared. Then he uttered very low, "Really? I'm confused, he doesn't want Woody?". My big man was apparently heartbroken... There he was, all 6+ feet of him, holding a Woody doll and looking lost. It was obvious he wanted Woody to come home with us. He proffered Woody again, showing off his string, to which our loving son demonstrated the "laser" on Buzz, and grinned like a fool.

Our household now contains 1 Buzz Lightyear, 1 Woody doll, and 1 Bullseye horse that Mommy couldn't resist for $5. :) Everyone is happy.

Better yet, we've officially seen our little boy romp around the room in his cowboy boots, Bullseye horse in hand with an ever-smiling Woody on his back, riding off into the sunset.

Nothing Much... Still Fun

I don't have a lot to say, just thought I'd check in, maybe tell a story, or two....

Jim and I were in the car on the way home yesterday... A motorcycle and its rider passed us, and the way he was acting on the bike make me think they might part ways soon. Just as I was starting to steam about this person's antics, Jim piped up... Here's our conversation:

Jim - What's that?

Mommy - A motorcycle

Jim - He riding a bicycle... [insert glow of interest]

Mommy - [insert worried look] No, it's a motorcycle, it has an engine like a car to make it go.

Jim - [pause] I ride my bicycle outside?

Mommy - [more worried look] You mean your bike, out here, on this 4-lane busy street?

Jim - Yes! I ride my bike outside!

Mommy - [very stern look] No Baby, your bike can't go fast enough to ride it out here. You go fast, but not as fast as Mommy's car, or the motorcycle.

Jim - [long pause] ummm

Mommy - [waiting patiently to squash his plan]

Jim - [very joyous smile] I ride my bike outside, Mommy Daddy PUSH ME! [claps enthusiastically]

This child is 2 y 4 mo old... How does he think of things like this? Sheesh.

Conversation Today in the car on the way home...

Jim - [pensive look] We have to put car in garage?

Mommy - Yes, we have to put the car in the garage.

Jim - Where Daddy car?

Mommy - In the garage too.

Jim - Daddy put his car in garage too?

Mommy - [big smile!] Yes! That's right!

Jim - Where everybody else car go?


He's a trip, this one... He constantly wants to know where all the OTHER cars are going. :)

15 weeks - kick-off!

I wrote this last week... Forgot to send it!

I hit 15 weeks today! I'm just completely amazed we've made it so far!

I keep trying to enjoy this time, but there's always a small niggle re the other shoe dropping. Sigh...

I saw a hematologist this week - he said my blood clotting issues are mild, but he said some key tests hadn't been run, and those could change the picture. So, said RUN THEM!

I explained to the doc that "I want no chance that something was missed that would cost me this baby. Our road has been long and rocky - I've lost 5 potential children already, and I don't have it in me to loose this one and start over. "

The doctor doesn't seem to get the urgency, since he said I'd get my results when I see him in 3 weeks. I plan to call him sooner. ;)

The best part about this week? I've started getting some good-sized kicks. Makes me smile everytime.
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Hope for Cancer Patients

I decided that I couldn't help my sister-in-law much one-on-one since she's in ID, I'm GA. However, I knew that having a 2nd kid had been on her mind, and she's worried what this cancer will do not only to the length of her life, but also the size of her family.

 

Those of us in the IF world understand the pain and difficulty that come with dreams of fertility. I can't imagine what it woudl be like to add the fear of my own death to my planning. I'm very sad for her and my brother, and their baby son. The whole thing is just such a shock...

 

So, I wrote my RE, and I got this in response from my VERY FAVORITE PA:

 

...the best thing for her to do is to contact Fertile Hope (an organization that provides support to cancer patients who are interested in fertility preservation). Fertile Hope provides free medication undergoing IVF for fertility preservation. They are affiliated with Serono Pharmaceuticals who makes Gonal f that is used for IVF stimulation.

 

Fertile Hope is affiliated with certain IVF centers (our clinic is one of them) who will discount IVF cycles for cancer patients. Not all IVF centers are connected with Fertile Hope. That's why I think she should call them directly to see which centers in her area are associated with Fertile Hope so she can limit her out of pocket expense. Her oncologist may also know which IVF center to refer her to.
 
Fertile Hope info:
www.fertilehope.org
866-965-7205
 

Doing my own research into Cancer and Fertility, I found another site that I thought would be VERY useful for those that already have a pregnancy in progress and are looking for information and support. This site was started by a survivor of cancer while pregnant. 

 

http://www.hopefortwo.org/

 

 

Grrrrr... Heparin...

Well, got the bloodwork back from Dr. Amazing (the Perinatologist) he said my IGm numbers were too high, so I'd have to stay on Heparin until this pregnancy is complete. AND it appears this particular issue gets worse throughout pregnancy (numbers get higher) so I'll likely have to take 3 shots a day at the end. THEN I'll have to take heparin for 6 weeks post-baby.

 

He told me to check into changing from Heparin (2x per day) to Lovenox (1x per day) to save myself some of the side-effects and extra shots. Not sure if our insurance will cover Lovenox - much higher cost than Heparin. I'm going to check today though.

 

Guess I'm glad they checked my blood, but darn it, that wasn't what I wanted to hear. I guess it's at least something I can manage, it's just going to be a pain, literally.

 

Looking on the bright side... They checked my blood, found that I would've most likely lost the baby late in the preganancy, and gave me a way to avoid it. I'm thankful. Just whining.

 

More Good News, More Bad News... A Pattern!

Good News:

 

My bloodwork screening for the baby having Downs, ect came back in the totally normal range.

 

 

Bad News:

 

My oldest brother's wife was just diagnosed with cancer in her thyroid and lymph nodes. It is malignant and considered very aggressive. This is the same SIL that just had my sweet baby Nephew -  he's 6 months old. I don't know what the exact type of cancer is - the details/news has yet to be shared fully. 

 

This just strikes me to my heart.

12 Hours of Life and Death

 

Last night I sat on my couch and I cried long hard sobbing tears over the loss of Vee's hubby Alex (aka Max).

 

I wondered how could the world be so cruel to take away one so young and well-loved. How unfair! He needed to live, to be here for his lovely wife and son. Then I stopped and thought about how much "extra" time he got - way beyond what the Doctors thought he was to be alloted. That's when I realized he DID live - to the fullest, as his body and time would allow. He got loves and kisses from his son. He got to hear "Dada" when he wasn't expected to be here even for the birth. Maybe, just maybe, he was able to stick around longer simply because he was so well loved and had so much to live for. 

 

We knew him through the words and images that he and Vee shared with the world. I, for one, wish to thank them for being willing to share the rawness of their lives and their love. There are so many that will miss him, even though they never met him.

 

Today, I cried tears of joy at the great 12wk Nuchal Translucency US report we received. Everyone was smiles and laughter, talking and sharing good stories. It was like a party in our US suite. Hubby actually took the pictures from the US and rocked them, imagining them as his bundle of joy in his arms in a few short months. It was magical. I feel like celebrating.

 

12 hours, such a short time, and yet it is enough to go from cursing the world for its cruelty to blessing it for its gifts.

Tomorrow is the BIG DAY - 12 WK US

Tomorrow I get to find out more about the future... Look into the crystal ball, or in this case I guess it's more like a snowglobe, huh?  :)

 

I guess I'm more nervous than I thought I was - I'm up at 12:30 at night, instead of asleep for the past 3 hours, as is my usual lately. I have to be up at 0'dark:30 too... Ugh.

 

I'll try to get a post out about the outcome asap. I hope I'll be able to get some sleep tonight. Sigh.

 

-- Protect the time and space to carry out your dreams -----

Sometimes Coming Home is the Treat

Jim made coming back from vacation a real treat! 

 

I'd been away for about 4 days - girls' weekend in San Antonio with my Mom and a friend. It was a blast. I arrived home just as bedtime ensued, and I was greeted by my baby boy flying down the hall, arms out, so fast that he ran into my legs, bounced off, and almost fell - but I caught him up and swung him around for hugs and kisses. I walked with him to his room while he burrowed into my neck.

 

Daddy did NOT look so happy to see me... turns out he was just exhausted, and was VERY happy to have a relief pitcher. While Daddy slunk off to get some rest I put Jim on the changing table. Suddenly Jim grabbed both my hands, he looked up so seriously and said, "MOMMY!  Kiss my cheek!" - he pointed to JUST the spot I should kiss.  It was the GREATEST kiss request I think I've ever gotten. So wonderful!  He continued to point to cheeks, eyes, and forehead, demanding more and we ended up in a kissing tangle of faces, bellies, and arms all in a jumble - it was pure bliss. He laughed harder with each kiss -- so did I.  

 

 

Everybody Dance Now!

We had a follow-up 9 1/2-wk US with the RE today.

 

A dancing gummy bear has never looked so sweet, I'll assure you. Baby B is measuring right on track, and is dancing up a storm - waiving it's little arms and leggies.

 

I have to say, I'm very excited, and starting to look forward to November. I know, it's early, and things can certainly still go wrong, but I'm going to try to enjoy this damn it. For as long as I'm allowed. Maybe I'll even act blissfully ignorant that anything CAN go wrong. That would be a novel approch, huh? :)

 

I was sad to see that Baby A wasn't actully there and thriving... as expected though, it is shrinking. You know, even when you know the truth, you still want them to be wrong. Then again, I'm still OK that there's only one baby. It's an odd mix of emotions.

 

I've setup my Perinatologist's vist for May 10th - 12 wks3d.

And Then There Was One...

We can all stop guessing now, which will hopefully mean less nightmares for me...

 

The US showed that baby A had no heartbeat. It had put up the good fight, and had grown by about a week, but it didn't make it.  Baby B is measuring on track and had a nice, strong, audible heartbeat.

 

I am supposed to come into the RE's office again next week to see that Baby B stays on track and isn't compromised by the loss of Baby A. Hopefully it will simply be quietly absorbed and won't cause any issues. In rare circumstances this kind of loss will cause cramping or bleeding, but other times there are no symptoms at all.

 

I guess I'm a little sad, but I'm also thankful. I know from all of your experinces that there is so much that can go wrong with a twin pregnancy. It was hard enough to have 1, much less raise one, without increasing the risks. I think I'll consider myself overall lucky, even though I think deep down I'll miss not having our "almost" family of 5. See... That's the world of what-if and it will always niggle at me just a little.

 

Our baby girl that we lost last October was due yesterday. I shed a few tears, and mourned her loss just a little. The outlook for the current baby(ies) was still unknown, and was causing me stress frankly, but the thought of a bright future helped greatly to carry me along though the tears.

 

On the flip side, being pregnant has also been very hard on my emotions this time... I tell you, I can cry at the breaking of a shoelace. Really folks, I'm not a not a crier, so this is very odd indeed. :)

 

 

Waiting and thinking

I've been thinking a lot about the babies. I've also been doing all I can to give the little one it's best chance. I'm taking all my meds and being sure to keep myself lower stress.

Who knows if it will make a difference, but it's the best I can think of.

I'm still convinced I'll be OK if there is only one on the next US. I'll be sad, of course, but our goal is as always happy and healthy.

The next US is Wednesday. I'm trying to keep it off my mind until then. It's hard not to think what-if though.
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Boo Life Lessons

Yesterday I was driving through one of "those intersections" - you know the ones where you KNOW there will be at least 1 fool who will try to hit you (or make you hit them).

In this particular intersection people us a "go straight" lane to force their way into line on an on-ramp instead of getting into the on-ramp lane. I have grown tired of the stpidity, and was determined to be prepared for the fool yesterday.

So I stayed close to the car in front of me (but not too close). As I entered the on-ramp I didn't see a fool, but I KNEW there was one!

Sure enough, a grey Volvo race up beside me and tried to force their way into my lane, even though there was NO ROOM.

I rufused to make room and I laid on the horn. At 1st I think I scared the driver in front of me, but the held steady and kept the gap closed. That volvo rode 80% of the ramp in the emergency lane, until she finally gave up and dropped behind me.

I felt vindicated, until I heard a loud reprimand from the back seat, "NOT NICE MOMMY!".

Since then I've question was I doing right, or was I just being not nice? I KNOW the other person was in the wrong, but should I have relented? I'm not sure - when I thought about how to explain it, I couldn't. ;)


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